One could say I have 

an ocean of tears welling 

from the inside & I’m sure 

You can see them as one fell

down and off my noise. I heard, 

the lie I know now I believe so

deeply: you can’t love with passive 

agreessive nature I don’t wish to have or 


the way I can quickly envy when minutes

before I was content to sit with you, be. 

You are faithful and true when you tell 

me you’re not leaving or forsaking me 

And to you I am 

Altogether lovely. And you’re planning 

good things for me, not to harm me. And 

you provide for me. Trust me, you say, 

fmf: ocean. 

Because the prompt is ocean, it reminded me of this graphic I made today:

This is from day ooe from Holy and Set Apart by my lovely friend, Kelly. A 30 day devotional to this:

Beloved, you are cherished – so don’t you dare doubt your worth. Your Papa is not a self-deprecating Being. You are no rough draft or a caricature version of Him. You are His masterpiece come to life! Your Father is proud to see Himself in you! You are holy. You are set apart by God, for God. When you know this personally, then nothing will stop you from living with purpose!

  I started it yesterday and had to stop to sink into the refresher in who God is: provider, LORD of Lords, Bright Morning Star, the God who hears, the Reseemer. Favorite part so far? The prayer at the end.  It really helped to be still and be guided into prayer instead of rambling. (Not that God cares about rambles. He loves them.) it’s just nice to be still from someone’s heartfelt and see what I stop on. 
I love this sentence from the today’s prayer. And the way this graphic of a girl staring at the ocean, how it flows in and out, kept in place reminds me  God keeps all things in order. There are bigger things. And I don’t have to strive, but rear in his love right now. He gives me what I need when I need it. He’s my father after all. 

He’ll come through. Always does, always will. 

I can’t wait to see today’s day, after these 30 days. And clearly I went from talking about the ocean to this devotional..but apparently I needed to preach to myself and remember who God is – the one who tells the oceans proud waves to hold up! with boundary markers. 😂



Day 20



I love waking up and talking to You. I feel more centered. Grounded. Held. I can feel You are doing some serious healing inside. Please don’t stop singing the truth to me. I want to know I matter to You. The more songs I add to this playlist, I feel You surround me. God, I will not let the enemy get to her No, no, NO. You are for peace, not chaos. You are for her. FOR HER. You are not angry. Small steps are big in Your eyes. There is no condemnation, but love in You, Lord.

I know I’m writing about the same friend over and over, but I really want to see You move in her life. You can do infinitely more than I ask or think according to the power working within me You are able to provide all she needs at all times so she can abound in the good work You have for her. You know the plans You have for her, plans to prosper her and not to harm, plans to give her a HOPE and a FUTURE. Everything is possible with You. You give focus, wisdom, courage, and hope, as she places herself in Your loving hands. You are faithful to the faithless. You are the God of hope. Compassionate. Abounding in love. Always chasing after her with love and mercy. They follow her all the days of her life.

Bring peace to her mind. Your peace that reassures the heart, stands guard. Help her make herself at home in Your love, that welcomes us each and everyday as we are, /your beloved children. And children yearn for that affirmation, we are loved even as we flail and struggle to make our way. But Your Spirit affirms we are Yours. We belong to You. She belongs to You. And You do not turn her away, or leave her orphaned, but come to her.

Come to her. Embrace her. Embrace her until the lies hush to whimper. She is precious, worthy and honored in Your sight. She is the apple of Your eye. I can’t take the liar anymore. I’d like to punch in the face actually. It makes me sad and angry to see all this darkness. How if we aren’t careful, it will slip in and blind us to the truth.

You are good.

You are faithful.

You love us.

You pursue us.

You are a mighty warrior who saves us.

You save us from the darkness.

You have, will and are the same

Yesterday. Today Tomorrow.

Thankful for today? 1. Time with You. Oh, how I crave it more and more. 2. Fruit bowl from my day. 3. Pretzel m&ms from dad. (I’d like more of those surprises please.)

#beatdepression with gratitude. This is becoming seriously enjoyable. And whatever this thing with favor that keeps coming up repeatedly, alright. Keep showing me, please. I don’t know how to deal with it—almost like I feel I don’t deserve it. Which I don’t. Help me embrace it.

Thank you.

I love you.

Your tender haired girl

ps. If You could bring her soon so we can have a dance party, it would be appreciated. Very. But I’ll wait and maybe dance over FaceTime soon. Maybe.

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here. 



bring me to

a place of harmony

with myself &. Others

– let me love myself enough 

– To hold on to this way you 

– inspire me with melody. All the lies 

come at me today; you are unworthy, 

nothing comes your way good but that’s 

not what you say. You say I will see the 

goodness of You while I’m here in the 

land of living. You will make me laugh 

instead of worry. You will bring beauty 

from these ashes I think look more 

appealing than this smile You give me. 

You are good and faithful, intentional & 

fmf: inspire 

I will see the goodness of the Lord while I’m here in the land of the living. This is I know: the Lord is on my side. I am precious. He will be my helper. He will hold me by my right hand. I don’t need to be discouraged, He is my God. I don’t need to be afraid, He is with me. He will strengthen me and uphold me with his VICTORIOUS right hand. Heart, take courage he’s coming with a rain of his blessing. His faithfulness. You’ll see. You won’t be able to miss. So you got rejected from a job you didn’t really want but still hurt. And you got silence for others. So? God has his best for you. His absolute best. He’s coming and in the meantime be grateful:

-friends pray with/for you. 

-they listen and remind you the truth

– that you are a little half way through the bible

-that you can sing and do a little hip shake dance

-you have food/water/shelter/a family who loves you. 

-you stepped out of your comfort zone this week. 

-you are beloved. 

-sister brought you a chocolate moose with marshmallow top. And salmon and asparagus. 

She’s always watching you. Let you sing this to her while you held her as if she’s your child.

Rejection may feel like it’s stinging heavy, but you know it’s not true. Hang on dear heart, he loves you very much. He’ll come through. 

& I’ll come lift your head

Maybe there’s a loving 
God, who whispers:
on your mark, take this 

cup full of sorrow, a floodplain

you never asked for. There is 

joy as you lay it down–don’t 

hold back those tears, I’ll catch 

them. Here Me reprise this song 

in your heart, this expedition love

you second guess as if I’ve gone 

missing, but how can I forget my beloved 

girl? Who wants to fly, not remembering 

how. I am the Word. I give strength to 

weary, your sword & shield, your help in 

depression, hope in the waiting. I AM 

never forgetting that something changed 

inside you, but I AM healing you.

You are worth more than many sparrows, 

and they do not fall without My word. I 

watch them,

care for them, shelter them, so 

sing: He’s always been faithful. 

And there will be a huge smile and kind eyes with a gentle hand in mine. The images he paints in my head sometimes, wow. 🙋

You know I’ll come through

She said, someone’swatching over me–Jesus,

you are beautiful, but the

horses (thoughts) are stuck,

You can’t be known & loved 

doing nothing, sitting still &

oh Jesus, this new wine I drink

tastes bittersweet as chocolate 

I can’t bring myself to eat. I watch 

as You strengthen me with raisins-

bite sized pieces of Your word I chew through grief: be still & know 

I am God. I will fight for you, you need only be still. I follow you down in the valley you now reside;

I never leave you nor forsake you. 

We are children before the sea; I gather up mercy to kiss your dirty 

cheek with peace, waves waking 

sand, the way I pull you back to Me. Come as you are, I whisper,

darling, less like scars I see, but 

beauty: sensitive is tenderness 

I treasure. 
I love writing to music. Love, love, love it.

over my burden of try

it is not easy

to hear You whisper,

I love you, Julia. I want

to set you free. You don’t

have to be perfect. & I weep

until I am quiet, staring at all

the tear stains against the grey.

I wonder what You think when I 

beg through gasps, I cannot let You in–I 

want to but I cannot even

take what You give me–I need You

to show me who You are everyday,

over and over. & I cry 

fmf: easy. 

Burden of trying to understand how You love me like this. One who wants to rejoice one second and weep the next. Who wants to give up, but try again. Who wants to give, give, give, but stare at what I receive and push it back like a child. Because I should give until I am empty, and even then give. No receiving for this girl. Even if it’s something I want. Because that isn’t the point. It is to serve. With love. But I can’t love well when I refuse to receive it with open arms, without fear it is going to end. Because I can’t give back the same or at all. Or because I haven’t worked for it. Ugh.

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:17-18 

You know why this is hilarious to me. 4/18 is my birthday and the way this verse is mostly about fear, it explains a lot about how I am. Please keep taking Your time with me, I’d like to receive more of this well-formed love, without rushing off to give it back. (This sounds selfish..) 

But I need to soak You in so much than I allow myself. I’d to indulge myself, really.

I want a radiant face.

carpe & diadem

come dear love,run to me as the 

horse I rode in youth–

my muscles stretched 

to hold me steady, feet

hung midair–stars I’ve 

read one of them has my

name. this fair-haired child

aches with this burn I cannot

tame. I want to laugh out this 

joy holding close to my heart. 

but here, we sit and you bring 

me back into your lap. whisper 

in my ear: I am delivering you, 

taste & see it. Keep your mouth 

open, so I may fill your tongue 

with goodness, praise right to 

my eardrum. I revel in your laugh

-ter, the light in your 

eyes captivates me. Stay here in

this embrace; watch me 

make you sparkle.


Prompt here. I looked up carpe because I wanted to see if the title works and it’s hilarious, really. Seize, enjoy & jewel. 😂

Oh, Jesus, whatever you are doing to my inside, whew. I feel this joy bubbling out into a smile staring at the sun, just sitting here. You are driving me crazy in the best possible way. I know you see me mildly afraid of this joy, like it isn’t for me or something. But you say I can experience your joy. And it’s so whoa, and I feel okay until the lies come but you sing over me.

Hold me close. You’re just so ughh, kind, patient, hopeful, lovely. 

I’m just waiting for you to pull out a confetti canyon or a whole load of it falls out of the sky. That’d be cool.

And hilarious 🎉

wait with this hope

She said, you 

are loved by Abba.

You are valuable.

I read these over

& weep, hearing my 

mind repeat, what’s it 

going to take for me to

believe You? I want to 

decide everyday I am 

worthy of serious, loyal

Affection from You, Abba,

the one who calls me by name,

rejoicing over me right here in this

Place. I keep smiling from the inside out 

and oh my Father, every

Evening seems overwhelming with

The way I 

fmf: decide.

and now I tell You openly, You have my heart so don’t hurt me. You’re what I couldn’t find. (This cover is 🙋😍💕💕)

So many beautiful, awesome things this week. Along with some serious tears and now a sore throat and stuffy/runny nose.

But I have hope. That Jesus will not disappoint. Because He never fails.

Never fails to drop reminder how prayer is so strong. He hears. He cares. He loves. He is a warrior against all lies catapulted at me.

I am worthy to do all He is placing in my hands because He is the One qualifying me. And the enemy can whisper, He isn’t coming, look at you with how you are failing, aren’t going anywhere. You fall into doubt so easy.

But God says He is the lifter of my head.

To not be discouraged because He is my God and He will strengthen and uphold me.

He will fill my mouth with good things.

He will love me lavishly.

He will take my right hand.

He has my name engraved on his hand.

He will lead me beside quiet waters

& lead me in the path for His namesake.

He will be my shepherd.

My Abba.

My Yahweh. 

My friend.


hand ever guiding.

I awake to sunpeeking through blinds–

how I am, Abba. My eyes

are closed & yet sometimes 

I think these images in my mind

are mine alone. These works of

my hand–but no, who am I to think of good myself? I am short

of the glory, fallen in the mud with

wrong I choose to live beneath–
I’ve run apology into the ground, I’m sorry, Father. I’ll stay here because we know what a runner 

I am & I am prone to misunderstand. I’ve heard Your

face is radiant, voice inviting. It 

has been so long since I’ve laughed without fear, worrying 

an end.
I know Your power–I’ve seen the 

way You open doors out from danger, into wide spacious places.

Where the birds sing and flowers bloom & yet I cling to the earth

as if I hold any claim. 
But I never will, Abba. For all is a gift I know I don’t deserve, but You

say, I still want to give to you My heart. I cannot deny My faithfulness to you. 
I sit with the broken in my chest,

watching this red flow out, out, out

–ache waiting to once again meet

my Lover, speaking renewal.

she can’t quit

(while grievous)
be content with
like You.

on the mountain
did You cry for
Your Father—

remind me
I am whom
You love.
Wrap me
in belief.

I’ce read
how You lavish
love on me every
breath. silence
the best gift,

watching me
cry & hide in
truth—I may
be envious
of people fine

in telling You
nullifying heart
with all pleasure
feeble hands can,

(food, words, screen)

Your promise to guide
tenderly & bless me;
envelops this blue
sheep in longing

today, I had a list of all i want to do today. that isn’t happening. instead, i wrote this to remind myself small isn’t bad. Satan’s been trying tell me, oh, Julia, no one sees or cares what you’re doing. How come no one is paying attention to how sad and confused you feel? No one is even listening. You’ll be lonely forever. Stop praying, He isn’t listening. Stop giving, it isn’t changing anything.

And Jesus, knowing that I’ve gone a little crazy (lack of being able to sleep and food. I have food, it all just tastes off), leads me to Psalm 73:

though i am plagued by grief when i think i’m doing okay (and everyone around seems happy), Jesus is still holding my hand, leading me in his love tenderly. Somewhere in my heart, I think He’s left me, but then I think He’s loving me quietly.

The best thing for me.