him?

It is a challenge,

LORD, to not sit here

& go back to the look

On his face when he said,

I don’t know why I’m telling you this…”

And then my sinks, goes so quiet

I’m not sure it beats but a whisper now.

I remember nothing else but feeling

Lost for days after. And the last time 

We were together, feeling that push 

Away. And I sat there, empty.

I dont what to say to people,

Was I just a figure head to

fmf: challenge.

12/15/17

//

Day 30

//

God,

I’m feeling no different today than I did yesterday. I still get afraid when someone takes a tone and want to hide some. Or a lot. Even when I’ve done nothing wrong. I really didn’t know this is hard for me. By that I mean such a struggle. I don’t want to hide the fact I’m loved by You. I want to keep basking in Your light, until the joy spills over into every part of my heart, into my life. And yes, this is good. Ellie Holcomb singing I place my hope…I’m going to quote lyrics.

So guide me in Your truth. 

Be my strong refuge. 

Help me to believe 

Your love is all I need

Even when the storm is strong

fmf: different. (Makes me sad it’s the last of the year. Can’t wait for next year though.) I wrote this letter in 5 minutes which was fun to get that much out. Shocks me. 

This is the last letter to Letters from a tender-haired girl. I said I would write for a month (not exactly all in November but it’s cool. 😂) I kinda want to keep going with it..maybe for a year. Maybe. I’m curious to see how many words/pages this is. It definitely was a challenge just to try to write for 30 days even if not in a full month. It was fun though. 🙂

I’m thinking I may take a break from here until the new year, but I’m going to see if I get inspired again. I’m so thankful for five minute Friday. And those who read and commented during these 30 letters. It helped me keep going. 🙂 And to Syl (aka Syllone), who made me smile and remember God sees me with your comment the other day and my moo, who gave me this idea and is going to put them all in a document for me, thank you for giving me the nudges to keep going/start. ☺️ 

And because I have no clue how to end this, I’m going to leave you with the song from the letter. 

Hope is good. He is good. He is delightful. 😂 can’t wait to see how he brings more of my word the remainder of the year. It’s going to be good. 

Previous letter from letters from a tender-haired girl here. 

I hear, i love you.

Is it safe to say
I’m uncomfortable with 

this pause in my life, Lord?

When I’m still my tears find 

their way out, like the blood

continuously flowing through

this body not mine. Yes, I’m 

your temple, but I wonder when 

all my heart meets you, you have turned. 

The anger comes 

in a wave & I tell you again, I hate myself. 

Please just…where are you? I’m a small

child who waits to be scolded for the 

outburst in my head, but I don’t 

hear what I want 
Fmf: safe.

Ever have one of those weeks where everything that comes out your mouth is a complaint or anger or sadness that will not stop? And you want it to stop and try to be quiet but your heart is all, That’s I’m done! Jesus can we go now? I have had  enough of my humanity, my brokenness. Are You sure You want all of my heart because it’s gross to me. I don’t like that I want to punch You or beat on Your chest because everything is You and me. And I just want to be held and I can’t really see You. I can except maybe I’m trying so hard to see that really  You want me to rest. So that You can come in and show me I’m safe in Your embrace. I feel so helpless and tired without You. And I know You tell me I can be helpless with You and You will carry me. Please do. I’m a little sheep, who doesn’t know her way.

Yes, one of those weeks. 

“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Holding on to this. 

waters You stilled.

Jesus, here i am,
wanting more & 

less, but more Your

hand. Pull me back

or forward into Your

arms again-the only

arms strong enough 

to hold me. Let Your

banner enfold me with

a love song I can hear 

from miles wide-let my

cry be calm
fmf: middle.

This week. It has felt like many late night crying to God. Crying because I miss friends and want to do so many things, but so thankful for who He’s put in my life. who listen & tell me sweetest truth: relax. When I’m watching myself go down the prove myself going to lose everything track, this song speaks into the truth I’m trying to embrace. To make space to wait and see and breathe and hope even though that’s the hardest thing it feels like right now. When I’m so tired because my mind is racing with dreams and fears that maybe I’m a little crazy not to push harder. But then a book reminds me what God has for me won’t miss me and his word says:

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ NLT)

And this today: But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

(Isaiah 40:31, NLT)

I’ve heard this second verse in a song (so much laughter at the of this video, love it.) and I’m feeling like I need literal strength, but what can I praise him for in the meantime? Halos, those little tangelos that are easier to peel and so yummy. A taco, egg drop soup, crab ragoon and a fortune cookie that told me last night the rainbows treasures would be mine (I’m thinking god’s faithfulness instead of gold) from my sister. A friend who texts you questions and random pics of things that make you laugh because God is good at holding things together in heart even if there’s distance physically. Another friend reminding you all is well even if your heart wants to convince you otherwise. Good books. Sompingme (The silliness between me and my mom and the way a smile will well up in my heart and then spread across my mouth at this word, 😍). Prayer. That God listens, hears, sees and promises he is doing something new even if it’s hard to preceive and I want it right now. That he loves me right here, right now in the middle.

style smile to ignite me again.

I come here 

to the kitchen table

again, to find you.

Abba, to connect 

with you. As a child

asks for their favorite 

meal: I feast on your word:

Keep me safe, o God. In my ears I hear, 

for He who promised is faithful. Hope,

come life up again, give me 

a spirit lift, a turbo st

fmf: connect.
A new year. A new word. A rediscovery of an artist that I cannot turn off.

Delight. I tried to write this on my Buddha board, one of the gifts my sister gave me for Christmas. I only used once and the frustration came quick but receeded as I realized this might be one of the best gifts. It’s one of Jesus’ subtle reminders, hey, relax. I don’t expect you to be so serious with it. I’m not as serious with you. 

Yes, Jesus, I want to say, but do you feel the tension inside?! What if I break it? Look. 😂 I really am hard on myself. The brush had a stray bristle & I almost had a breakdown. 

But this year, I’m going to try to delight in God as much in the hard and more in the good. I really need to work on both. And I’m praying as I do, he’ll draw close.

“The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:23‬ ‭NLT‬

May this be true of this year, Abba, as you teach me to delight in you.

don’t know what to do.

Now here I sit

under covers &

a lamp light illuminating 

part of the room, with two

lights on the ceiling. God,

I need no help seeing guilt

turned shame in my heart.

How I’ve ran so far from you.

Into the fear and brokenness,

but yet I find I still tremble 

when you wish to look upon

my sorry. I’m sorry will no longer do–

don’t wish to learn 

at a school or get a job when I d

fmf: now

Last five minute friday of the year today. So weird because I could keep going but I think it’s good to take a break and go into the new year refreshed. I’m so thankful for this community. 

I feel like I need some major refreshment in my life. In all areas but majorly in the way I see Jesus and how he sees me. My word for this year has been “receive” and I’m not sure I’ve done so well with that. Or maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong. I think I’ve been looking at it like: Jesus has this huge surprise and it’s going to fix everything, make me feel better. And that is silly. He is the surprise and the comforter. I’m very confused about my life and all these desires that seem light years away. Like launching someone’s book or at the very least, making graphics for them.  Or if my writing is going anywhere – if it has a purpose, direction. If God is really directing my steps and delights in EVERY DETAIL of my life. 

I know he is directing me at a more slow pace than I feel most are moving. And that he delights that I love hours at the kitchen table with him. When I get distracted by Instagram and when I get lost in yet another Sara Groves song for the millionth time. That I want to pray more though at times lately I’m not sure he’s listening and my energy is low. He delights in the friendships he is brought through this blog and launch teams, Instagram and real life that are far but worth it no matter how hard it feels sometimes. He delights in how I want to know who he is more and myself. He delights in that I want to feel the joy of Christmas, his coming to embrace me. My family. My friends. I honestly don’t even see all this til I write it.

He delights in us. May we receive this delight of God with us again this Christmas.

be found in Yours still.

On this journey,

I don’t know where

I am going. I know it is

new, a wide open space

I can walk through. A voice

speaks behind me, this is the 

way I want you to go. This voice, so calm 

& so sure, with

light beaming all around. How

could I not trust His intentions 

even as still don’t know. Abba,

please don’t let me go. May my

right hand

Fmf: Journey.

This week I’ve learned two things: I can cry at the truth. Or laugh. The crying part came from one sentence in a text: Julia, will you please just let God bless you? (It actually isn’t written this way, but that’s how i read it. The weeping that came and the heaviness in my heart, whoa. I don’t understand my refusal to let God bless me, well, actually, yes I do. All I’ve done and the pain I’ve experienced. You can’t possibly want to give me this when you know my heart, God. When you know I tend to look for someone to take care of me and can easily turn them into an idol. I’ve gotten used to being alone with you and trying to tell you or crying because I so easily turn away. I cry because I want to see you. I need you. And maybe this is typical of being on the threshold of something new, you panic. Well, you don’t God, but I do. The panic really shows me my need for you. And I heard somewhere that anywhere you are is my comfort zone. So, when I get on the plane next week, you will be there. When I get off, you will be there. When I say hi to this friend finally not through text or phone calls, you will be there. You know the desires you placed in my heart that I still don’t understand, but make me all: WHAT IS GOING ON? What is with this peace?! And I don’t have to know because I think if I did, I’d still be hesitant. But I really have to thank you for how you’ve given me the courage to ask and a father who seems to be very excited to take me. It’s very interesting how You do things. Oh and if you want to surprise me any more because this is a big one to me, go ahead. Delight away.

And the laughing part is that apparently to Megan (who told me to let God bless me. She’s a really good friend, she is. Let’s me just ramble on..and then gets me with some truth. She really knows how to sharpen me 😉), I write A LOT. It’s funny because I don’t actually notice until I go back through stuff. With the amount of journals I’ve gone through this year (5-6 I think), it’s a lot. And if you let me, I’ll write novelish texts and emails. 😂 God has given me some seriously awesome friends who are fine to take this. I’m glad he doesn’t mind either.☺️

This is very novel like. Well, sorta. I think I take fmf to tmf (ten minute Friday. Maybe more. Lol)

by the trinity 

In the morning,

I sit at the table 

& eat a chocolate cake

donut. The three chairs 

around me are empty–

Abba, I imagine You across,

with open hands & a smile.

I think You are asking me to

open my hands or give them 

to You. Receive. Jesus is to my 

left, Holy Spirit to my right. He 

wants to grab my hand, to pray

with me. They are quiet, heads 

bowed. I’m held tightly 

fmf: eat.

This poem is a little different in the way I felt I was experiencing this again. The calm. The way I felt like the Holy Spirit really reached out and held my hand, the right, weaker one of the two. The way Abba sat across and smiled with a knowing glance that said, you can open up. You can receive all I want to give you. 

God is moving me into new places it feels like. With my writing. (This was really, REALLY difficult to write. The memories were foggy, but the ache of how Jesus loved me was overwhelming. So overwhelming. With taking to Him about how I’m feeling without trying to hide. And with friends. Letting my heart come out, still unsure if I’m loved.

And then there is this reminder from Tim Tebow’s new book, Shaken, that hit me like a ton of bricks last night:

I can’t help but feel God is bringing something new, despite all the chaos and anger and sadness, things I can’t let go of. I can’t see the future and the fact things are always foggy is beginning to wear on my soul. I want to be in moments. I don’t know how to do that without assuming sadness/anger is all there is to hold. I know it’s not true, but sigh.

God, you make all things new. Beautiful in their time and joy. Laughter. Depth. Hope. Love. Please oh please show me this true. That is joy coming around the bend and I can soak it in. Because I want to stay with you, but I also don’t want to deny that what you’ve been bringing lately isn’t from you. You know, like the butterflies that keep me thinking we’re going to fly soon. Or Juno, who keeps plopping herself down in my lap. Or all these other things, one in particular that is so overwhelming it doesn’t seem real yet. Please show me this doesn’t have to be so hard to take. Please. In Jesus name, amen.

***

I realize this commentary has nothing to do with food. Soul is on a little of an overload lately. Thankful God lets me write and cry and get angsty. 🙂

something light?

I’d like to park myself

in a chair, but I am already

there. Here. Watching the 

Sun come in & out, brighten

& fade out–Lord, I am over-

whelmed by goodness, Yours

alone. It is as heavy as the sorrow I’ve 

held, like a stone 

cold I have grown used to but 

oh, could You roll it away now,

give me something new to hold,

something warm, 
fmf: park.

I’m parked at the kitchen table, trying to work on a guest post about a miracle God has done in my life. And while looking up some info today, I keep thinking, God, you really did save my life! That could have been so much worse and I already didn’t know what was wrong..at least I don’t remember being told. I just remember the pain. The ache. The unknown. But you were there THE WHOLE TIME! Through all that delirium…Smiling and telling me to eat and washing my body. Telling me to sleep, it will be alright. And I didn’t know, but through that time & this valley, you’ve been show me what I can’t get out of my head since I read it the other day: 

Lord, I don’t get it, but I’m going to get to that point where I’ll simply be able to accept this. I won’t have to fight your invite, but smile and say, alright. You can whisper, bring me smiles and laughter, any way to show me your love is true. 

You’re hilarious, really. You make me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Your banner for me is love. 

a confession 

Open the book,

& begin to write 

a letter of my heart-

I’ve always wanted to

be fast, to wear designer 

jeans, sandals, have someone 

always by my side. Their confidence, but 

Lord, how 

how do you like me like this?

broken body, slow as the elderly outside, 

but youthful in spirit. How much does it 

cost to

Mail 

fmf: mail.

This is what happens when you write to music..you almost don’t get the word in because you’re too caught up in the song. But whoa this prompt made me want to talk about wanting to get mail (book mail is awesome but something about a letter today just would hit the spot. And chocolate. And a hug from a friend. Laughter. You think you could send that all through the mail, Jesus? Because that’d be cool..)  but this also made me think of the letters from friends. And books. And mail I’ve sent all: JESUS! I’m way too excited!! Stamps. We have to have those! I can’t wait til they get it!! The anticipation is high…hope they get it.. 😮😶🤔😅😃 

I love how very random this is. Or silly. I’m going to keep mailing Jesus worship because it’s keeping me awake & I kind of feel he enjoys my delirium this week. So thankful he will sit with me however I am. He’ll wash over me with his love. Yes, that may be from this. I like where you’re going with all these reprises, Jesus. Mhm, I do.