self pep talk

dear sad girl,

i know you’re tired today. so tired you want to sleep the rest the day away. that hat is on its way to remind you God is in high pursuit of you. waves of goodness. let it overwhelm you. crash over you. open your mouth & let God fill you. let him draw close to you. play with that playdoh, making flowers. or hearts. turn up the music loud and sing in the shower, not caring who hears you.

when you get your haircut this weekend, remind yourself you are beautiful. and when you remember that one time your grandma said you looked a bit Justin Bieber when she took to get your haircut once, laugh.

it’s fall. watch the leaves fall. drink all the apple cider. embrace everything God is giving you right now. himself. family. friends that will listen and pray. that make you feel included and loved from miles away. the encouragement to keep writing.

God is surrounding you.

keep your eyes on the horizon.

j

ps. If you ever get the chance to thank hollyn for this album you can’t turn off, do it.

11/23/18

//

Day 127

//

God,

there must be

value in the way 

You say. it is well

& I can count on You

to fulfill this desire 

when the time is right

But for now, I’m gonna

Listen sd You sing comfort

My heart. Hold me. Still.there

is a part of me that is thinking of

him–for you to move in & show

Who You are. I remember when

he said he loved me & if that any

Of true, I hope we can talk one day

soon, so I can tell him see

fmf: value.

Because God, I still want to have hope You roll away stones. You open eyes physically and spiritually. You give peace. And You know I’m a little crazy to myself, but I can’t let go. So I’m going to keep crying out & see what You do.

11/16/18

//

Day 126

//

Father.

I want to know 

You see me here—

How are You romancing 

My soul in this one day?

The fear is clouding up

My chest again—the little

Voice that is telling me I

Made a mistake—go back,

Unblock. Apologize for shutting 

Out because you are afraid of the dark—

Not the one that occurs when light is turned 

Off, but the one I cant fix, help with, Jesus, except

To pray again & again. 

 

fmf: one.

11/13/18

//

Day 125

//

Father,

I can’t see

What You are doing.

The sky is dark &

Rain is pouring,

But I will not say,

“go away.” because

I know this is blessing:

The eggs & beans, the

way Dad makes tea the only 

Way I will drink it—with lots

Of brown sugar & milk, The

Way I watch him make me 

InLaugh over songs on the radio

Like he did when I was young.

The way he gives me almonds

& cheese curds—the two bowls

Of chili & kit kat bars when I am

Least expecting them. It is somewhere 

Between watching the finale of the Great 

British Baking Show or that Match 74 game

Show that I think about him again, what he 

Said, about dad and I having a relationship

& I think, this is it. I feel You so deeply when

We sit together with olives & cheese & pickles

& watching a show I didn’t think Dad would like

Is where I find Your face, And this is what I wish

I could explain to this guy who keeps stealing

my thoughts—do you ever think about the 

Simplest gift we all miss?—it is not the food &

drink—but Jesus’ presence in every face?

In ever sip of that drink? In ever bite before

The swallow? In the silence of not saying

At all, but soaking up the relationships we are

Given at birth? Presence. It is everything. 

But mostly God, I wonder why he keeps

Coming to mind—snippets of conversations 

When I am still & immersed in something

Else. I wonder if he thinks of these 

talks we had—the way I opened myself

up, Jesus, in a way I never knew I could—

I am grateful for him even if all he did 

Was help me see I can be open & make me 

Grateful for what is front of me. I

Still want to talk to him about You

Because I’ve felt that inner fire burning;

The joy of Your love 

& the connection we had,

Sharing about the day,

but all I can see is a dead

end.

10/14/18

//

Day 123

//

God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

10/6-7/18

//

Day 121-122

//

God,

Who I am to be

given love like this –

under these covers 

where my body freezes 

and heats from the flu,

You surround me with 

the dog next to me & 

melody & memories 

of a friend who saw Your

fruit growing in me long before 

this girl knew what she saw in me–the 

fruit of the spirit –inevitable when I 

spend with You under Your wings. I 

whisper 

every longing that hasn’t come

to be, or maybe one has and I’ve been too 

blind to see. 

Rescue me from the doubt 

subtly creeping into my mind:

You have forgotten me. You 

don’t hear me. My longing &

desire are too much for you. 

I want to tell him over & over, 

losing my religion-all those prayers I 

prayed when I was little, every last 

person, the ‘now I lay me to sleep prayer’ 

– the fear that Jesus was condemning me 

as I slept each night, doesn’t compare to 

turning my eyes upon Him &

feeling loved in stillness knowing even if 

He doesn’t answer as I expect, He has the 

best for me. 

As He does for you. Relationship means 

you can show your soul and know you 

are still loved. You can start over. You can 

believe the best. 

You can dream. And yes, I know 

I struggle with allowing myself to do this, 

to be loved, but You say I am, Jesus. I am 

welcomed 

to abide in this love. Because 

then the fruit grows. I remember when 

he said

I was inviting him into this 

relationship You and I share &

it made my heart swell. I yearn 

for him to see You and remember every 

talk we’ve had

or will have about You. I want 

You to be the center of our relationship, 

God. I want him 

to know Your peace, Your forgiveness, 

Your love. 

I want him to know You are 

still rolling stones of shame & loss & 

bring 

beauty out. You

make all things new – laughter 

from sorrow, goodbyes to hellos, rebel 

hearts to open,

ready to receive from You. 

Let fear not dictate to turn 

Your love away, You give 

everything lovely — this name

he called me one morning and 

then I heard it in a song describing who 

You are and then again in a verse You 

whispered to my heart gently, think 

about the things noble, true, lovely, 

praiseworthy, honorable. But I think how 

I hear/see You in his words/actions even 

if we are miles away. I know I say it a lot, 

but there is a longing and fire in my 

bones I can’t shake  – I yearn to see Your 

hand in this whole thing and I will keep

asking & listen to Your reassuring:

Look 

up, child, I’m making a way. 

You’ll see. 

This poem was inspired by life currently (as always) and Lauren Daigle’s album, Look Up, Child. I will never tire of getting moved by an artist’s music and writing with the song titles. It’s so much fun. ☺️ feeling God meet me there every time. 

9/22/18

//

Day 117

//

God,

Your song

May it never 

Complete it’s melody

When I feel low or high

In the clouds of my daydreams,

Let ut repeat the chorus of Your

Love for me. Hold me & let me 

Sway to heart for me: I love you,

Child. I know Your desires – the 

Desires of intimacy—those smiles

& inside jokes & silence that will 

Never make you feel small, but 

seen & heard, held. Hold tight

To me. You’ll see the dance 

Isn’t over yet. It’s just begun & I know

You weren’t expecting this turn, but

It will be okay. Let my peace bring

You into this new thing where your

Voice is found, your laughter is heard

& the conversations linger on into the 

Night where you forget the time. I see

Those little smiles creep from your heart

To your mouth, spreading out. This is hope

I see you. 

 

fmf: complete.

 

God, You’re not done yet. I may be tired, sad and a little confused, but You do infinitely more than I ask or think or imagine according the power working within me. I want to see it–the ways You see me here, the sadness I feel for others, a bit of my own, but I know You are faithful, I will wait and see You. You will not forget me. You have a plan. A purpose. And there will be joy.

9/7/18

//

Day 115

//
God,

I need You

to bring rain

to his heart –

wash it clean,

open his eyes

to see You give

all of us a brand

new start. You don’t

give thought to the regret,

the pain – all You ask is for

an open heart. I can hear

a curiousity how I’ve gotten

here with You, where I’ve come

to know
fmf: rain.

Jesus, I really don’t understand what is happening to my heart. I do know I can’t stop praying for this friend. I keep finding myself on the phone longer than I like being on the phone at all. And genuinely smiling. Laughing. And mostly, quiet as I listen to myself and him.

It’s different – this opening of my heart. Slowing letting in someone with disabilities similar to mine who isn’t a girl or my friend. It is unexpected. Almost like a rain of blessing I can’t see yet.  The distance is hard and my heart has a longing I don’t get – and I block You out of it, telling You I don’t want it.  I was fine. I tell you over and over again this can’t be from You and I can’t feel like this and how on earth would it work?

 

God, You know what it is? I don’t trust You. I’m terrified to believe this is true. I’m afraid to believe You–what he is saying. I can feel the fear rise to the surface when before I would eat those words, swallowing them for hope they may be true from any guy who would tell me.

But now? My heart is closed, shut off, stunned, guarded. It has been years since I’ve liked someone outside of butterflies, oh please love me! God, I want to try with him–I’m so stuck in my head and my heart is afraid I will be crushed. I need You, Lord. I meed guidance. Peace. There’s too much I want to tell you. You need to be in the middle of this. And I can’t believe he knew that I used to hide in music, just like I do now.

I feel peace when I talk about him and I don’t want to assume he’s the one because I don’t know. I just know I would like a chance. That’s all. And for You to guide and get all the glory. And I will say thank You.

 

And it has been awhile since I’ve rambled. Jesus, help me trust You. You are scary, safe.

8/5/18

//

Day 110

//

God,

On my anniversary,

I hope my husband 

Looks at me & says,

I’m glad I didn’t give up

On you, You’re stubborn,

But worth the wait  Worth 

All the time I spent trying

To get to know you & you

Pushed me back, saying

You couldn’t let me hear

Your voice yet. You couldn’t 

Bridge the distance between 

Text & awkward silence, but oh

How I waited. And now, your

Laughter meets my ears without

Relent & your tears bring a shiver

I wish not to quit. Because darling,

Your smile is what I strive to bring

Up  A flower in bloom brought by

The days of tarry until we’d meet

 

fmf: anniversary

2/20/18

//
Day 70
//

God,

I’ve been reading Jesus Every Day and part of the prayer is remembering 20 ways You’ve been good to me. It’s a bit of a struggle right now, but here You go:

  1. The cats. Juno provides a comfort You knew I needed when I came back here. I find it hilarious she kneads me like I’m her mom. And Baby—since she had her surgery shortly (or the same day as my hysterectomy) and can’t go outside, she seems to find my room a sanctuary. It’s nice.
  2. Jamie Grace. Specifically how You used her music to comfort and help me cry out to You. And getting to see her/meet her with Megan. I’ll never forget when we waited in line and Megan goes, You’re like a kid in a candy store. But most of all, I was glad she was with me There is no one else I want to go on adventures like that – really any adventure.
  3. Adventures in the valley—Ellie Holcomb concert/meeting her, Marc Martel, Skit Guys. All with Megan. I really never imagined any of that would happen. Or that I would go to that many concerts and that Megan loves music as much as I do. All the Jesus jams. It just amazes me when I thought my only concert would be Hilary Duff.
  4. Grandma/Grandpa/Grandna from Dad’s side. They taught me so much about presence. Giving time, themselves. From the symphony, fish fries, the movies almost every weekend and lunch, the library. Everything always felt so precious, sacred. Like grandma making dinner and putting on Reba. Or when we made fun of the side effects of medicines. Or mimicked the weatherman’s sweeping hand motions. Or watching the food network Or the time she gently and firmly told Michael that I understood that I was beautiful when he just kept telling me over and over: you are beautiful, did you know that? Over cantaloupe. The way she told me I’d look back and wonder why I dated him just as she did with someone.
  5. The way You saved me from Michael. The way You gave me the courage to say no to going further than I was willing. The way mom pumped up S Club 7 and drove through a storm so we could get home earlier. I know now she wasn’t trying to ruin fun (there wasn’t any), but You were protecting my heart through her knowing we had to go. I love her so much for that even though I was stubborn (still am) and wanted to be in love. Still do.
  6. Just like when he broke up with me over text weeks after, asking how my mom was(still will never forget it), and gradually moving into we need to see other people. But I still have the words from a coin he said made me think of him. One side said: Love is patient. Love is kind. The other: True Love Waits. I’ve never forgotten it. Even though uncle Scott has the coin now. I know now You were reassuring there would (will?) be a guy who will wait for me. And now, I think You’re gently telling me to wait and see.
  7. This bed and the bath chair 2 ways You provided abundantly. In the midst of grief when mom’s mom passed.
  8. This computer from dad.
  9. When the neighbor from the old house came over before getting it and abruptly (okay maybe not) sang a song about waiting for You. Showed me the verses in Lamentations and reassured me she had to wait a long time too. Still not sure if she meant in general or specifically. But it was so reassuring in the moment.
  10. Sara Groves music. Her vulnerability. And meeting Momsie from fmf, who also loves her stuff too.
  11. The whole five minute Friday community, which I didn’t know existed until Trisha encouraged me to try it one Friday in October and almost 4 years later, I still love it. I look forward to it every week. And, I get to be a part of Kate’s launch for her book. Seriously? All You!
  12. As is the 12 launches I’ve been part of before where I’ve met, Teri, Julianna, Shannan, Kallayah, Mandy, Jamie, Tonya, Deanna… Also, wouldn’t even know what a launch if Trisha didn’t tell me she was applying to one..and I wanted to do one..and then Emily Freeman did a post about her’s and boom. Has it really been 12?
  13. Anna. Who I met through the happiness dare. I will forever forget time difference. When we start sharing our hearts and music, everything fades. I love that You know my heart so well and the people I need. The Netherlands need to be a little closer.
  14. Kelly. She’s helping me become more myself. Seriously, one of these days I feel she may try to make me have a car concert. I think about this and I want to laugh and laugh. But I want to have many many more car jams to Beckah Shae with her. And movies. And deep talks. And grilled cheese from Panera. Hahaha. I’m so thankful for her and her love for You.
  15. Declare last year. From the first class flight (which Kelly said was Your favor. Funny it’s my word this year.), to meeting Miah, to more time with Trisha, meeting Desiree and Kayla. Winning the unashamed book (THIS BOOK, LORD. I don’t know what You are doing, but it’s intriguing) to someone buying me coffee, all the sobbing, meeting Linda, the rainbow, Brahms’s ice cream (take me back please ), time with dad in the convertible and whattaburger, that sunset.
  16. These pajama mom got before the hysterectomy. I love you more too, God.
  17. The doctor who did my surgery. And the nurses. I saw you so much.
  18. The time you’ve given with my family. It is hard, but there are moments that can overwhelm me at the goodness, like watching a movie or laughing about the dog. Small stiff.
  19. My blog. I didn’t know You could and still are bringing so much good from the pain I needed to get out. It’s beautiful. And I’ll never forget when I freaked out on Gwen about taking the step and she was chill and excited about it. Thank You that she continues to encourage my writing and be a friend and know when something is up from so very far.
  20. You. That listen to me and let me go on and on and on. Being with You like this makes me so happy.

I think this is more than 20 and I could do way more I think. But I’m going to jam to Beckah Shae. Seriously just want to head bob all night. And also? The majority  deals with presence. Relationship. It’s very interesting.

Love,
Your tender haired girl.