7/20/18

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Day 108

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God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 

fmf: way

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7/6/18

Father,

I need a vacation 

From fear, judgement,

anger. Come in a little 

closer & whisper, I love you,

my youthful one. Let Me carry 

you close now, next to my beating heart. I 

cherish you more & more, even as the 

memories of what was take you over. 

How you wish you could start over. But 

my darling, there is better here & now as 

you sit here with that melody so close 

to your ear. I am right here, breathe Me 

in, Breathe Me out. 

My love will never plunder. I’ll stay here 

forever. I’ll always help you through 

surfender 

fmf: vacation 

*i love writing to the timer and leaving whatever comes out. You get words like surfender. 😂

6/27/18

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Day 106

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The pain is scrunching

Aching flesh beneath

Gravitating me to numbing

Dialing back

And hanging up.

But I will not back away 

For this is where

You come close

I know I won’t fall apart

But together in You.

Now wrap me in Your arms 

And make me whole 

For even if I break

I know You’ll bend

To catch my chin

And whisper

Darling

We can always 

Begin again.

This poem edited by my lovely lovely friend, Anna. Friends who listen to you share your broken heart and then spongebob later. They are the best. Thank you, Jesus for the friends You’ve put in my life. ☺️

3/30/18

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Day 90

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Father,

Settle me down

in Your love today. 

Tomorrow. Sunday 

& beyond. Let me see 

The way You took upon

Your shoulders the weight 

of my envy-the sorrow over 

another’s blessings-and cried

out, forgive her. She knows not 

what she does. And as the blood fell, let 

me remember 

the tenderness You hold in Your 

heart for me, the grief I shed. Rise me 

again to see the beauty You give me and 

another – knowing that doesn’t come 

between us but draws us closer to 

different ways in which (You love us all

love,

tender-haired girl)

fmf: settle. ( is where timer stopped. 

3/2/18

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Day 75

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God,

Please never let me regret the time You’ve given right now. The time to be with my parents. Though I’m sure they are pumped about the cataracts or driving almost an an jour and some for this special care. They are totally giving special care. I mean the doctor felt like he came straight out of ER or something. He was so through. Yes, I spelled that wrong. And I never there were eye ultrasounds. I’m not sure how pumped I’m about this happening all around my birthday month. Surprise me with your goodness.Please.
Your tender haired girl

 

fmf: regret

This morning, my parents and I headed to Emory, where I’m going to be having my surgeries done (one eye at a time) apparently). I put Kristene Dimarco playlist I made on & zoned out. As we drove I watched as the moon became the sun. It was a subtle reminder that Hesus was guiding the way and it would be okay. I didn’t become seriously nervous until we went into the exam room where they needed to check my vision. The woman who took care of me before the doctor, so kind She didn’t even care that I kept saying, no difference. I feel like I’m straining. And that I freaked out about a special machine not really meaning to, but it was so close and she was afraid of scratching my cornea.

And the doctor literally seems like he came out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy (never seen it, but I know it has to do with doctors haha). But he is very very serious in the best way of making sure I get the right care and answering questions. You can tell he really cares about  eyes and making sure everything is covered. Which is why he is having me come back Monday to be seen by a specialist who deals with the back of the eye (which is where the cataracts are and what stopped the doctor from doing a full exam) before I can have the surgery scheduled. But it looks to be it will be in April. Easter and this. It’s like my hysterectomy last year around easter.

God really likes resurrecting things around this time. I mean I knew it, but this is so personal again. Makes me want to get seriously emotional. Jesus, please let there be some good stuff before and during this time. And you know the favor I asked with this? Please, please, please! Thank you for hearing me.

Gratitude list of today:

  • the sunrise
  • Kristene Dimarco playlist
  • white chocolate coffee from mom
  • donut/rice crispy treat from mom (still need to eat both)
  • to get to go to this appointment with both of my parents
  • the doctor/nurse/tech’s kindness, patience
  • lunch: pho, thai s.pring rolls, orange soda (who loves orange soda? I do, I do oooh! Kenan & Kel, anyone?)
  • Fortune cooke: You may lose the small things, but win the big things. (I still have no idea what this means, but it’s very interesting. Presence is pretty big to me right now. So Jesus, I can win presence? Intrigue.)
  • Texts from Trisha, Shannan and Kallayah.
  • A nap with the cat at my feet

 

I have no idea why I wrote all this especially since my eyes are still bugging me and I’m tired, but it needed to come out before I forget it all. Think I’m going to drink the rest of the orange soda and pop in a skit guys dvd and maybe fall asleep. Hello Friday night. 🙂

 

2/23/18

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Day 71

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God,
What beauty did
Bartimaeus see when You
Healed him from blindness—
What will I see after this cataract
Surgery? Will the sun be brighter?
Will flowers hold more color? Will
The shadows disappear I sometimes
See? Will I still have to hold things close
To my face, or be jumpy when someone
Comes close? What I don’t understand
Is having to be awake for tpphe whole thing—
I kn(ow You will be there in the pre-op appt.
Next Friday & whenever the surgery is. I’m
afraid, Lord. I know it’s a routine surgery,
& it’s just a laser & it will be okay because
You will be with me—I don’t like being awake
Even with whatever they will give to relax me.
“Hey, let’s look at your eye & take that cloudy
Away, okay? Now whatever you do, don’t blink
Or move.” Yeah, that sounds so fun. Especially
With how jumpy I am. Lord, I Would really like
A friend to sit with me during some of the recovery—
To make me laugh and maybe read to me You already
Know what I said I’d like yesterday. It makes me laugh
Still If You did it, I think You’d get a shout of joy—remember
I said I wanted to see when a shout of joy escaped my lips?
Could You do this with this request? Please, please. Thank
You for being here now, anyhow. Thank You for knowing my
Fears & not pffting them aside, or my request for comfort &
Laughter & presence. You are good to provide them all—
May I take note & thank You because it all comes from
You.)

Love,
Your tender-haired girl

fmf: beauty.  ( is where the timer stopped.