You are still worthy 

God, here we are 

again. The sun is 

shining out the kitchen 

window. The cat lays in 

front of my space so I cannot

physically write. It is not the same cat, 

but still shows me

You are faithful. Yahweh, you

are my provider, you are doing

everything for your own good pleasure–

some might say delight. God, it takes 

work 

to remember right now in this 

moment You are still good even 

I lose control, have to wait, things seem 

to be being taken 

away 

fmf: work

Right now, this song is playing. I love that it fits in with the prompt. 😂 I think God may have done that with a purpose. Every time I hear this, I’m always somehow telling God: 🙋 yes, no more drama to mess up my flow! I want to go on a holiday! Let’s go! 

But then I think if I went on a holiday, I would like it a little too much. Maybe. My brain needs a holiday from the thoughts that seek get me in a feedback loop of: did I really do, say that? Ugh, Lord, I don’t deserve your love. Can I just stay right here and not move? I don’t know why I’m doing this anymore. Why am I going again? I don’t understand this, Jesus! I need to be still and relax. I need to be still, not so pushy. How about we just talk forever. Jesus. 

This week has been hard. Tiring. Vulnerability is tiring. Wanting to pray for everyone is tiring/good (maybe not always necessary when you are tired and God knows your heart. Wanting to see and savor the good is hard when you’d rather push it away and ignore it, doesn’t mean God doesn’t still say, hey, I’m over here. 

It doesn’t mean I can’t still ask and wonder why, how can this be? Are you sure I can keep asking for things, but mostly to see you more and that’s okay?

I can keep reading your word and question it. Like the guy at the banquet table who isn’t wearing wedding clothes and is asked to leave or put where there is suffering. And the King says, many are called but few are chosen. 

Was the guy chosen? Provided wedding clothes? Are you not allowed to come to the King as you are? Is it specially selected clothing that sets these selected guesses apart? Why did the previous guests say no? I say no a lot.. But I mean, it’s a BANQUET. The food has to be top notch for a king. There’s probably pie..and cake..and bread..and garlic mashed potatoes because they are my favorite. And bosco sticks because cheese in bread sometimes is okay. And really it isn’t so much about the food and God looking at me and saying, hey girl, I love you. Won’t you enjoy this feast with me and stop worrying. I love you. Still. 

God, your eyes are so sparkly and twinkly.     I don’t want to look away. Even though it scares me. This intimacy. This love you have for me. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. Every breath. Every heartbeat. It is I love you, Julia. Not less because of the thoughts you had five minutes ago that I’m taking away from you. Not what you say or do. I love you because I do. You can fight and push me away, stare at me and ask me why why why? I don’t deserve this. Look at how pushy and vulnerable I am, how I long to be with you at a table and read, sing, talk to you all day long when I should want to do something. But I want to be, held, loved. Something that is so deep i don’t even get it. Lord. 

You know it all, and yet you love me still. 

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ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””


^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

want to trust you.

God,
I didn’t expect to say no. Or get the email. It feels so weird saying no to something I know won’t give me joy. Like I’m supposed to do it because if I’d like it as my job one day than that means I have to say yes to all the books. Every single one. But you know it will make my soul heavy. This is weird space. This no. This waiting. This peace. And yet feeling like maybe I just denied your blessing. But I don’t want to be pushed by the fear of missing out. And granted I’m tired and may not feel this way tomorrow and will immediately want to sign up, but I 
fmf: expect.

Today I said no to the opportunity to be on a launch team. It’s so weird in the space of: I don’t actually want to read this. Then: shouldn’t I want to read it? I mean, what if it’s really good? Then I’ll be missing out..and I don’t want to miss out. 

But it’s not like God hasn’t continued letting me do this, even when I’ve said no 3 other times within the last few months. 

I need to remember this. He is always faithful. In the waiting, wondering, hoping. He is faithful and I will not miss out on what he has, even if there’s waiting, tears and panic. Resting is good. I want his best.

 The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead/But You’re asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead.

Looks like I’m singing this for awhile. Or all her songs. 😂

I hear, i love you.

Is it safe to say
I’m uncomfortable with 

this pause in my life, Lord?

When I’m still my tears find 

their way out, like the blood

continuously flowing through

this body not mine. Yes, I’m 

your temple, but I wonder when 

all my heart meets you, you have turned. 

The anger comes 

in a wave & I tell you again, I hate myself. 

Please just…where are you? I’m a small

child who waits to be scolded for the 

outburst in my head, but I don’t 

hear what I want 
Fmf: safe.

Ever have one of those weeks where everything that comes out your mouth is a complaint or anger or sadness that will not stop? And you want it to stop and try to be quiet but your heart is all, That’s I’m done! Jesus can we go now? I have had  enough of my humanity, my brokenness. Are You sure You want all of my heart because it’s gross to me. I don’t like that I want to punch You or beat on Your chest because everything is You and me. And I just want to be held and I can’t really see You. I can except maybe I’m trying so hard to see that really  You want me to rest. So that You can come in and show me I’m safe in Your embrace. I feel so helpless and tired without You. And I know You tell me I can be helpless with You and You will carry me. Please do. I’m a little sheep, who doesn’t know her way.

Yes, one of those weeks. 

“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Holding on to this. 

You Are Always Love — Syl65’s Blog

This whole poem is lovely, but there is something about that ending that makes me think of falling into the safety of God’s arms. 😍 Wonderful job, Syl. ☺️

 

I want more of what you have to give, God A total makeover of spirit and soul Undoing the wallpaper before my eyes Revealing a picturesque new life Mending my broken trails one by one A now solid road I walk on Enjoying the scent of the rose more And feeling less the prick of […]

via You Are Always Love — Syl65’s Blog

use you’ll turn in two 

as I write my past, I see all the ways 

You’ve been loyal–

saving me from a boy

I couldn’t let go of until

the day I found the courage 

to say no, giving me friends 

who have looked at my eyes 

full of fear & said, it’s okay, I still

love you. Or wrote in the miles that 

separate us. But here, lord,

there is fear that I can’t share the breaks 

that lead to this place, beca 
fmf: loyal.

God is loyal. Loyal to love when you don’t know. Loyal when you are in a state of shock. Loyal to love you when are so tired but somehow keep finding words to say.

And today those words are, thank you.