make us ready.

Father

He tells me

he is the last to know

we are not together anymore.

I want to know why he even cares – it takes my mother to

◦ pull me back to reality – to

◦ Say do I really want to go

◦ Down that road again? You want a a guy who has religion in his life. There are guys like that out there. You can be flattered but don’t respond. I don’t want to be flattered though. I want to be

◦ Honored, respected. I don’t need to be ea(ting from the tree anymore, letting the serpent tell me, don’t you want this? No, I actually want someone who will carry me around, will see my worth the first time and his words and actions match up. So, here I am blocking the holes that got you in the first time, praying, Father, keep me safe

and prepare me for the man who

lives a life of integrity in light of Your love, to have & to hold,

to cherish me forever.)

fmf: last.

*( where timer stopped.

come closer.

God, 

Here I am 

In a season 

Of wait—

Waiting for grief 

To not undo me

So easy, for me

To lash out not in

Anger at those around me

& here I say again, I don’t know

How you can love me. Would you

Come up beside me & hold me?

Is this how Jesus felt—this deep, 

Abiding sorrow when he cried. 

Father, why have you forsaken me?

LORD, even though it has been days

Since the news I cannot cry. I’m so

Tired & here in this bed is where I want ti

Stay in the warmth, the quiet even as my

Mind goes astray. LOED

 

fmf:wait. 

in every way

God,

I feel the fear

creeping over my heart

that I’ve messed up again.

it begs my question come

to the surface again: are

You as kind when I fall short

of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no

one will love you when you fail,

look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the

biggest to the smallest of ways.

Lord, I need you. I need you to

show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)

fmf: deep.

since the beginning.

Dear sad girl,

it’s a success

you woke up

this morning.

I know you’re hurting,

but there is something

on the horizon. There

will be a man who will see

you are worth more than

worldly distraction. He will

treat you as beloved. A queen

with a smile better than a

diamond. He’ll give you the

the time of day & surprise you.

but for now, look around you.

Look at the one who’s been

fmf: success.

him?

It is a challenge,

LORD, to not sit here

& go back to the look

On his face when he said,

I don’t know why I’m telling you this…”

And then my sinks, goes so quiet

I’m not sure it beats but a whisper now.

I remember nothing else but feeling

Lost for days after. And the last time 

We were together, feeling that push 

Away. And I sat there, empty.

I dont what to say to people,

Was I just a figure head to

fmf: challenge.

11/9/18

//

Day 124

//

Dear God,

Please lift the weight

In my chest—I cant miss him

Anymore. I don’t want to—the

Ache to all him how he is or

Share about going to see Lauren

Daigle—it will not come off the same

As telling a guy who wants to follow

You – and cares my heart in a way I’ve

Yet to experience. It is the waves of

Wondering – is there someone out there

Who wants to pursue me & not as a side

Thing? Will I at some point stop wanting

Him to come to You? The joy of Your love

Even when your heart is aching?  Will this

Get any easier? Why did marriage have to

Be a thing this year? Will You hold me

Close now & bring laughter again & again

Until this is distant & far from my memory?

It is hard, Lord, to sit in this darkness along 

With friends aching — each of us in a distant 

Circle—this hurts but it will get better—we tell

Each other over & over—God has this—can I

Have a listening ear? Will there be a joyful time

At one time where the confetti can explode &

The dancing Ive seen in my dreams will feel as

The best surrender?

I give You this burden

because You promise

You tenderly care for me

& You will lift up my head.

 

fmf: burden.

 

*written some with/without timer because I thought it started, but apparently not. This was a hard one to write, but I’m so thankful for the friends who are there to pick me up & speak truth when it is hard to take because my heart just aches. But there is music and laughter & prayer & a fun game called Red Flags I want to play forever & a Christmas concert: Lauren Daigle’s Behold Tour in December & a fun countdown app another friend showed me. So, no matter how much pain I feel right now, God’s got me under His wings. I’m holding on to that today.

10/14/18

//

Day 123

//

God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

9/28/18

//

Day 118

//

God, 

I long to know

If this has potential—

It is not a desperate,

But a gentle calm

As I wait. You are 

Holding us in Your hand

& You brought us together

This time, right now, for reasons

I can’t seem to understand—

I walk by faith, not by sight 

You say. When all I can see

Is distance and constant,

Persistent talking, prayer, 

You must see more, like

Our hearts. I don’t know 

You are weaving this,

But it is beautiful &

Scary. I want to see Your

Hand in every little thing

& praise You all the more.

 

fmf: potential

9/22/18

//

Day 117

//

God,

Your song

May it never 

Complete it’s melody

When I feel low or high

In the clouds of my daydreams,

Let ut repeat the chorus of Your

Love for me. Hold me & let me 

Sway to heart for me: I love you,

Child. I know Your desires – the 

Desires of intimacy—those smiles

& inside jokes & silence that will 

Never make you feel small, but 

seen & heard, held. Hold tight

To me. You’ll see the dance 

Isn’t over yet. It’s just begun & I know

You weren’t expecting this turn, but

It will be okay. Let my peace bring

You into this new thing where your

Voice is found, your laughter is heard

& the conversations linger on into the 

Night where you forget the time. I see

Those little smiles creep from your heart

To your mouth, spreading out. This is hope

I see you. 

 

fmf: complete.

 

God, You’re not done yet. I may be tired, sad and a little confused, but You do infinitely more than I ask or think or imagine according the power working within me. I want to see it–the ways You see me here, the sadness I feel for others, a bit of my own, but I know You are faithful, I will wait and see You. You will not forget me. You have a plan. A purpose. And there will be joy.

9/15/18

//

Day 116

//

God,

In a crowd,

I feel small & lost,

But I’m with You in my

Thoughts & I want to hold

Your hand or someone’s

That I know believes in me

Enough to stick around even

When my actions are less than

Admirable—who still sees potential

& will hold my hand to remind me

I’m not alone. Your peace fills &

Guards my heart, but sometimes,

Okay all the time, I want to know 

Someone is in this life with me. 

 

fmf: crowd.