o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””

^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

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find the tears fall.

God,

What is my worth to you? It isn’t in the things I do. Or don’t do. But maybe in the way I let myself hear, let me care for you. Care for me in the ways in the ways I need most for my soul. To sing to you, Lord, means more when I’m alone. Because I know in this quiet space with the cat, okay so maybe not alone, but absent people, I feel you sweep into the room. You are rushing to be near, to hear me open my mouth and proclaim to the closed window, I need you, I need you, I need you. I love you. And I 

fmf: worth. 

I sometimes hope that when I get to heaven, I’ll be like, God, Your love for me is fantastic. All the ways you pursued me through music. I felt like even in the broken body, the stillness at the table with the cat, You always found a way to make me dance inside and cry. It was beautiful. And now I can hear it forever here without ever turning it off and I can see your face now.

And he’ll smile and move in for a hug  because yes please and thank you ☺️🙋

But God seriously knows that I can lost in a song or artist for a while and I think I found a new one:

This drawing the cat finds better to sleep on is a visual for me to these lyrics: I know this might sound crazy/you’ve got the freedom to fail. – who cares–Carly Bannister (also, Ellie Holcomb’s sister. Serious talent and truth and good stuff from these two. Ugh.)

It’s like Jesus is singing it right into my soul. On a swing set.  To try and if I fail, it’s okay. It takes a long time for my heart to grasp things, especially that. I feel like I go slow enough the first time because I’m anxious to the point I don’t want to get it wrong or that I have to know things when I don’t. So this is basically like a reminder it’s okay to ask for help, need a friend. It’s okay to try again. 

And I really need to rest in that today. 

Help me, Jesus.

me personally enough I want to trust You.

Lord,

The truth is I’m tired. Tired of trying, pushing, waiting, aching, hurting. And yet, I find myself in the shower tonight worshipping You. What else am I supposed to do? If it is a test, all these things that keep happening and this distance I feel for people, friends I dearly love and yet at others times feel so close to, I still want to believe the best right now. I still want to believe You can restore things to better than before. You can make me smile. Again. You can touch 

fmf: truth.

I want to do this big commentary about how I’m tired of myself and in general but I’m just going to put this verse I read in proverbs last night (I can’t believe I made it to Proverbs in my bible in a year plan. It’s awesome and shocking) because focusing on Jesus is better. And it is too easy to sink in sorrow right now.

“The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].”

‭‭PROVERBS‬ ‭10:22‬ ‭AMP‬

I totally want to see this and also I’m little confused as to why it says God as no sorrow to the blessing because it comes Him. It really makes me wonder yet again, You’re always happy, God? But you suffer with us? But you are love so it delights you to bless me when I’m sad or happy or mad or whatever because that’s who you are: good at your center. Hmm.

be found in Yours still.

On this journey,

I don’t know where

I am going. I know it is

new, a wide open space

I can walk through. A voice

speaks behind me, this is the 

way I want you to go. This voice, so calm 

& so sure, with

light beaming all around. How

could I not trust His intentions 

even as still don’t know. Abba,

please don’t let me go. May my

right hand

Fmf: Journey.

This week I’ve learned two things: I can cry at the truth. Or laugh. The crying part came from one sentence in a text: Julia, will you please just let God bless you? (It actually isn’t written this way, but that’s how i read it. The weeping that came and the heaviness in my heart, whoa. I don’t understand my refusal to let God bless me, well, actually, yes I do. All I’ve done and the pain I’ve experienced. You can’t possibly want to give me this when you know my heart, God. When you know I tend to look for someone to take care of me and can easily turn them into an idol. I’ve gotten used to being alone with you and trying to tell you or crying because I so easily turn away. I cry because I want to see you. I need you. And maybe this is typical of being on the threshold of something new, you panic. Well, you don’t God, but I do. The panic really shows me my need for you. And I heard somewhere that anywhere you are is my comfort zone. So, when I get on the plane next week, you will be there. When I get off, you will be there. When I say hi to this friend finally not through text or phone calls, you will be there. You know the desires you placed in my heart that I still don’t understand, but make me all: WHAT IS GOING ON? What is with this peace?! And I don’t have to know because I think if I did, I’d still be hesitant. But I really have to thank you for how you’ve given me the courage to ask and a father who seems to be very excited to take me. It’s very interesting how You do things. Oh and if you want to surprise me any more because this is a big one to me, go ahead. Delight away.

And the laughing part is that apparently to Megan (who told me to let God bless me. She’s a really good friend, she is. Let’s me just ramble on..and then gets me with some truth. She really knows how to sharpen me 😉), I write A LOT. It’s funny because I don’t actually notice until I go back through stuff. With the amount of journals I’ve gone through this year (5-6 I think), it’s a lot. And if you let me, I’ll write novelish texts and emails. 😂 God has given me some seriously awesome friends who are fine to take this. I’m glad he doesn’t mind either.☺️

This is very novel like. Well, sorta. I think I take fmf to tmf (ten minute Friday. Maybe more. Lol)

something light?

I’d like to park myself

in a chair, but I am already

there. Here. Watching the 

Sun come in & out, brighten

& fade out–Lord, I am over-

whelmed by goodness, Yours

alone. It is as heavy as the sorrow I’ve 

held, like a stone 

cold I have grown used to but 

oh, could You roll it away now,

give me something new to hold,

something warm, 
fmf: park.

I’m parked at the kitchen table, trying to work on a guest post about a miracle God has done in my life. And while looking up some info today, I keep thinking, God, you really did save my life! That could have been so much worse and I already didn’t know what was wrong..at least I don’t remember being told. I just remember the pain. The ache. The unknown. But you were there THE WHOLE TIME! Through all that delirium…Smiling and telling me to eat and washing my body. Telling me to sleep, it will be alright. And I didn’t know, but through that time & this valley, you’ve been show me what I can’t get out of my head since I read it the other day: 

Lord, I don’t get it, but I’m going to get to that point where I’ll simply be able to accept this. I won’t have to fight your invite, but smile and say, alright. You can whisper, bring me smiles and laughter, any way to show me your love is true. 

You’re hilarious, really. You make me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Your banner for me is love. 

Is Talent your Excuse? — Meg Lynch

Back when I was in college, wasting time on Tumblr as you do, I saw a quote from an interview with singer Josh Groban. Josh was probed with a question about his God-given talent, and he got angry for a moment. He said something along the lines of: I hate it when people say things […]

via Is Talent your Excuse? — Meg Lynch

 

“There will always be someone better than you, but that doesn’t mean your own talents have any less value. And just because they’re better right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t be better in a few months.”

This really strikes a nerve and makes you think. 🙂 and now I kind of want to listen to Josh Groban..

wait with this hope

She said, you 

are loved by Abba.

You are valuable.

I read these over

& weep, hearing my 

mind repeat, what’s it 

going to take for me to

believe You? I want to 

decide everyday I am 

worthy of serious, loyal

Affection from You, Abba,

the one who calls me by name,

rejoicing over me right here in this

Place. I keep smiling from the inside out 

and oh my Father, every

Evening seems overwhelming with

The way I 

—

fmf: decide.

and now I tell You openly, You have my heart so don’t hurt me. You’re what I couldn’t find. (This cover is 🙋😍💕💕)

So many beautiful, awesome things this week. Along with some serious tears and now a sore throat and stuffy/runny nose.

But I have hope. That Jesus will not disappoint. Because He never fails.

Never fails to drop reminder how prayer is so strong. He hears. He cares. He loves. He is a warrior against all lies catapulted at me.

I am worthy to do all He is placing in my hands because He is the One qualifying me. And the enemy can whisper, He isn’t coming, look at you with how you are failing, aren’t going anywhere. You fall into doubt so easy.

But God says He is the lifter of my head.

To not be discouraged because He is my God and He will strengthen and uphold me.

He will fill my mouth with good things.

He will love me lavishly.

He will take my right hand.

He has my name engraved on his hand.

He will lead me beside quiet waters

& lead me in the path for His namesake.

He will be my shepherd.

My Abba.

My Yahweh. 

My friend.

Always.