me with the rainfall.

Here we are in

summer—the sky is cloudy &

my chest wants to cave under

the weight of this grief, a new

layer You’ve access to. Lord,

it’s my honesty, it’s too much- his

desire for me when I don’t see a

desire for You, too. When I speak

Up & say, this is too soon. We are

not in a relationship yet…

with my

chest almost like a trigger of

memories from a year ago, except

a year ago I wouldn’t have said

no. So, this is new & I hear You

whisper: I’m proud of you. But yet

here I sit with the swirling

thoughts: ghosted again. Why

couldn’t we just talk about it or

for him to say sorry, this isn’t

going to work? But I spoke up

again. 2 times in 2 days. That is

something to behold. The anxiety

only goes to show me I’m afraid

of physical intimacy a little too

soon—break off my fear before

the summer is up. Show me a guy

can have interest but respect too.

I’m worthy and I’m finally

starting to believe it. Shame can’t

cover me when I’m looking to

You. You who is faithful and true.

One who is looking out for me.

Hold

– five minutes Friday prompt: summer, written for 15 mins.

God is teaching me I have a voice and totally say can no through a dating app. The prayers that hurt, but make me grateful for God coming through.

7/20/18

//

Day 108

//

God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 
–

fmf: way. 

3/31/18

//

Day 91

//

God,
I keep thinking of 

the disciples, the 

weight of sorrow 

I feel on this Saturday 

(Sadderday). Walking 

back together, these 

disciples, friends hope 

for Your redeeming power,

saving. You meet them on 

this road & they don’t even 

know it’s You. You ask, what 

are you talking about? but their 

down turned faces could tell You. Still, 

You want to know. 

You come alongside them in

their sorrow, grief too heavy. 

They tell You they thought Jesus was the 

Messiah, but 

after three days, there is still 

no sight of You. 

–

Lord, it is me,

sitting here & 

saying, I can’t 

see You. Though 

I’m sure I saw You

in his smile & almost 

twinkle in his eyes

down to his smile.

The joy because he 

knows I have a sweet 

tooth & a love of chai. 

How can tears still find 

me, missing her from a

book about butterflies,

or the Polish hamburgers/

cabbage & noodles? Or the

friend coming to mind again 

after accidentally stumbling

upon a glitter bomb, imagining 

the laughter? – the

ache even though I know 

tomorrow celebrates You 

coming to redeem, call me

Your beloved, to Your side.

Us all.

–

But today, Lord –

I’m tired. I am weary. 

Things I’ve said yesterday 

& spoke aloud to You today,

makes me think You have all

right to look away, leave me 

in the dark, but still I sit & listen 

to these songs, about your faithfulness, 

that You are here –

even if You haven’t given me 

what I want, You are still good. 

Surround me in Your shelter,

kindness yet again. 

–

I’m trusting, You, Lord,

& if You disappear from 

view again, let me remember 

the burning of my heart as You

whisper, I’m still with you. O my 

child, I’m still with you. 

–

It’s true. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

2/24-25/18

//

Day 72

//

God,

I know right now I could sit here and twiddle my thumbs and worry —so tempting— but I’m going to sit here and worship You instead. You are healer. You are comfort. You are hope. You are restoration. You are redeemer. You are sovereign—You got all this under control. Thank You for the doughnuts and coffee this morning that I am still savoring. Thank You for the friends You’ve put in my life—I’m so thankful they will pray and let me dispel any fear and share my heart. Thank You for Kristene Dimarco’s song, Fear Not. You know it’s on a loop right now. I’m kind of surprised Spotify hasn’t gone to commercial yet. Hahaha.

When the questions start arising
Keep your eyes fixed straight ahead
Hold on tightly to the promise
Hold firmly to the truth,
That I love you,
Oh, I love you.

Show me Your face today—the love that captivates me. Holds me. Reassures me.

//

Day 73

//

Lord.

This is hard. It hurts. This feeling I’m not enough. Shut out. Shut down. And once again, I feel the hurry of this world—the peace that this world gives when you have results. Your presence, Lord. Your eyes. Your face. Maybe that’s why I want keep Kristene Dimarco’s music yesterday & today, because I need the refuge and I keep hearing You.

My heart is set on Your face,
Now open these eyes to see.

/
You’re the best believer in me.
*
Let it be so, Lord. Let me see.

 

Your tender haired girl.

 

PS. Thank You for Sarah – for her telling me I’m so very loved and to never forget it. And the venti java chip (I love the coffee-ness over flat out chocolate) from her. I love that she never minds. It’s like she delights in it. Thank You for showing in writing an email to Trisha, writing is something You have called me to. Thank You for the Skit Guys-Fully Human, Fully God–helps me see You understand the fear, the anger, the sorrow. Thank You for holding my family. together. And me. Thank You for being before all things, in all things & hold ALL things together.

A Letter for the Days When You Feel Insecure — Trisha Mugo

You’re wondering how your faith dissipated so quickly and why you find yourself mired by constant self-doubt. I want you to remember this. You are called. You are capable. You are loved. So you’ve lost a week or so. Don’t lose the whole year! Remember: “Quick down, quick up.” Brush yourself off. Get back up.…

via A Letter for the Days When You Feel Insecure — Trisha Mugo

This is really, really good stuff.  Called. Capable. Loved. 🙋

1/26/18

/

Day 59

//

God,

I surrender 

to the melody,

to the words You speak.

You make no mistake.

I am worth more than gold

to You. My beloved. My friend. 

Come again now & reassure 

my heart: these ashes will find 

new blooms. I will find my voice, my 

laughter, redemption in You. You are 

making me new,

loving me through the doubt to

sing / I love you. 
Your tender haired girl. 

–

fmf: surrender. 

12/29/17

//

Day 38

//

Like a skin,

the light of Your love 

shines in. God, it’s as if

You have a flashlight to

look inside my heart. I can

almost hear Your whisper,

what makes you so afraid?

I will be left alone, forgotten,

abandoned. I will have to work

for approval when deep inside

I feel a child in the dark. I know 

You want me to have my eyes

open wide. The love comes, God, and it is 

a gentle touch.

I’m here, child. I’m here. I’m here. 

Say it again. 

Every battle–

this one where all

I see is broken within 

& without, You see more

than I am at this moment –

You fight. Reprise my joy

again. Let me find you here

in the morning where I see today, Your 

kindness shining bright. Right in my eyes 

with the sun, the cat across the table laying there. This tea.

The warmth. Ellie Holcomb coming 

through these new headphones aptly 

named, IJOY. 

You are doing something. Your joy my 

portion and my strength. 

One thing I know: I feel You

are going to tell me You are loved over 

and over again.

It looks beautiful and always wins. It 

makes me grateful.

You are the someone who will

not let me go. You are my success. You 

are going to come right on time. You will. 

You are here right now. Hold me still. 

Rest me in Your songs of deliverance 

now. 
love,

Your tender haired girl 

PS. 

“He will send from heaven and save me from the slanders and reproaches of him who would trample me down or swallow me up, and He will put him to shame. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! God will send forth His mercy and loving-kindness and His truth and faithfulness.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭57:3 AMPC

I really like this verse in this version a lot. Save me from reproaches and the  slanders.  Not that I didn’t feel them earlier because as he was leaving, he kept saying to do something new. besides sit here with you. I don’t want to. I have no desire to. I don’t like that I don’t feel well either. Just gross. Tired. But maybe a 5 minute walk. I really want time with a friend. Actually I don’t, but maybe it will do some good too. Send forth your mercy and lovingkindness. Please and thank you. 

–

Previous letter here. 

12/23/17

//

Day 36

//

God,

Let my soul 

feel a thrill of hope

of You coming to be

with me. Your joy filling 

my heart, praise rising 

to the top, spilling over

& out. Let fighting words

come: I will be still & know 

You are God. You will be exalted

over all the earth. You are making me 

new. You fight 

for me as I am still. You are 

faithful and true. I was fearfully

& wonderfully made in my mother’s 

womb. Your plans for 

me are for peace, not disaster. You can 

lift up my head, letting

comfort bring healing to me.

Bless you, child. Listen close 

to my healing song for you. Let

Me calm every fear. I will hold You to my 

chest. You can rest. 

Hear me whisper: I want to keep my eyes 

on You, be free.

Let love be the loudest voice 

to turn me from fear, condemnation. We 

will feast 

in the house of Zion one day, Lord. A 

table spread with corn 

& bread & asparagus & maybe 

a river of Nesquik will be fresh beyond 

the table. You will take 

a cup to draw me glass, place the 

chocolaty goodness before me. I will look 

at You with a smile saying, You are 

wonderful. Not just because of the glass 

of delight, but how You are longing to 

share it with me anyhow. No special 

occasion, but because you want to be with 

me, Emmanuel. 

I place my hope Christmas will

remind me. 

Be near me. 

Love, 

Your tender haired girl 
—

Previous letter found here.  

o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””

^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

find the tears fall.

God,

What is my worth to you? It isn’t in the things I do. Or don’t do. But maybe in the way I let myself hear, let me care for you. Care for me in the ways in the ways I need most for my soul. To sing to you, Lord, means more when I’m alone. Because I know in this quiet space with the cat, okay so maybe not alone, but absent people, I feel you sweep into the room. You are rushing to be near, to hear me open my mouth and proclaim to the closed window, I need you, I need you, I need you. I love you. And I 

fmf: worth. 

I sometimes hope that when I get to heaven, I’ll be like, God, Your love for me is fantastic. All the ways you pursued me through music. I felt like even in the broken body, the stillness at the table with the cat, You always found a way to make me dance inside and cry. It was beautiful. And now I can hear it forever here without ever turning it off and I can see your face now.

And he’ll smile and move in for a hug  because yes please and thank you ☺️🙋

But God seriously knows that I can lost in a song or artist for a while and I think I found a new one:

This drawing the cat finds better to sleep on is a visual for me to these lyrics: I know this might sound crazy/you’ve got the freedom to fail. – who cares–Carly Bannister (also, Ellie Holcomb’s sister. Serious talent and truth and good stuff from these two. Ugh.)

It’s like Jesus is singing it right into my soul. On a swing set.  To try and if I fail, it’s okay. It takes a long time for my heart to grasp things, especially that. I feel like I go slow enough the first time because I’m anxious to the point I don’t want to get it wrong or that I have to know things when I don’t. So this is basically like a reminder it’s okay to ask for help, need a friend. It’s okay to try again. 

And I really need to rest in that today. 

Help me, Jesus.