me personally enough I want to trust You.

Lord,

The truth is I’m tired. Tired of trying, pushing, waiting, aching, hurting. And yet, I find myself in the shower tonight worshipping You. What else am I supposed to do? If it is a test, all these things that keep happening and this distance I feel for people, friends I dearly love and yet at others times feel so close to, I still want to believe the best right now. I still want to believe You can restore things to better than before. You can make me smile. Again. You can touch 

fmf: truth.

I want to do this big commentary about how I’m tired of myself and in general but I’m just going to put this verse I read in proverbs last night (I can’t believe I made it to Proverbs in my bible in a year plan. It’s awesome and shocking) because focusing on Jesus is better. And it is too easy to sink in sorrow right now.

“The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].”

‭‭PROVERBS‬ ‭10:22‬ ‭AMP‬

I totally want to see this and also I’m little confused as to why it says God as no sorrow to the blessing because it comes Him. It really makes me wonder yet again, You’re always happy, God? But you suffer with us? But you are love so it delights you to bless me when I’m sad or happy or mad or whatever because that’s who you are: good at your center. Hmm.

be found in Yours still.

On this journey,

I don’t know where

I am going. I know it is

new, a wide open space

I can walk through. A voice

speaks behind me, this is the 

way I want you to go. This voice, so calm 

& so sure, with

light beaming all around. How

could I not trust His intentions 

even as still don’t know. Abba,

please don’t let me go. May my

right hand

Fmf: Journey.

This week I’ve learned two things: I can cry at the truth. Or laugh. The crying part came from one sentence in a text: Julia, will you please just let God bless you? (It actually isn’t written this way, but that’s how i read it. The weeping that came and the heaviness in my heart, whoa. I don’t understand my refusal to let God bless me, well, actually, yes I do. All I’ve done and the pain I’ve experienced. You can’t possibly want to give me this when you know my heart, God. When you know I tend to look for someone to take care of me and can easily turn them into an idol. I’ve gotten used to being alone with you and trying to tell you or crying because I so easily turn away. I cry because I want to see you. I need you. And maybe this is typical of being on the threshold of something new, you panic. Well, you don’t God, but I do. The panic really shows me my need for you. And I heard somewhere that anywhere you are is my comfort zone. So, when I get on the plane next week, you will be there. When I get off, you will be there. When I say hi to this friend finally not through text or phone calls, you will be there. You know the desires you placed in my heart that I still don’t understand, but make me all: WHAT IS GOING ON? What is with this peace?! And I don’t have to know because I think if I did, I’d still be hesitant. But I really have to thank you for how you’ve given me the courage to ask and a father who seems to be very excited to take me. It’s very interesting how You do things. Oh and if you want to surprise me any more because this is a big one to me, go ahead. Delight away.

And the laughing part is that apparently to Megan (who told me to let God bless me. She’s a really good friend, she is. Let’s me just ramble on..and then gets me with some truth. She really knows how to sharpen me 😉), I write A LOT. It’s funny because I don’t actually notice until I go back through stuff. With the amount of journals I’ve gone through this year (5-6 I think), it’s a lot. And if you let me, I’ll write novelish texts and emails. 😂 God has given me some seriously awesome friends who are fine to take this. I’m glad he doesn’t mind either.☺️

This is very novel like. Well, sorta. I think I take fmf to tmf (ten minute Friday. Maybe more. Lol)

something light?

I’d like to park myself

in a chair, but I am already

there. Here. Watching the 

Sun come in & out, brighten

& fade out–Lord, I am over-

whelmed by goodness, Yours

alone. It is as heavy as the sorrow I’ve 

held, like a stone 

cold I have grown used to but 

oh, could You roll it away now,

give me something new to hold,

something warm, 
fmf: park.

I’m parked at the kitchen table, trying to work on a guest post about a miracle God has done in my life. And while looking up some info today, I keep thinking, God, you really did save my life! That could have been so much worse and I already didn’t know what was wrong..at least I don’t remember being told. I just remember the pain. The ache. The unknown. But you were there THE WHOLE TIME! Through all that delirium…Smiling and telling me to eat and washing my body. Telling me to sleep, it will be alright. And I didn’t know, but through that time & this valley, you’ve been show me what I can’t get out of my head since I read it the other day: 

Lord, I don’t get it, but I’m going to get to that point where I’ll simply be able to accept this. I won’t have to fight your invite, but smile and say, alright. You can whisper, bring me smiles and laughter, any way to show me your love is true. 

You’re hilarious, really. You make me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Your banner for me is love. 

Is Talent your Excuse? — Meg Lynch

Back when I was in college, wasting time on Tumblr as you do, I saw a quote from an interview with singer Josh Groban. Josh was probed with a question about his God-given talent, and he got angry for a moment. He said something along the lines of: I hate it when people say things […]

via Is Talent your Excuse? — Meg Lynch

 

“There will always be someone better than you, but that doesn’t mean your own talents have any less value. And just because they’re better right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t be better in a few months.”

This really strikes a nerve and makes you think. 🙂 and now I kind of want to listen to Josh Groban..

wait with this hope

She said, you 

are loved by Abba.

You are valuable.

I read these over

& weep, hearing my 

mind repeat, what’s it 

going to take for me to

believe You? I want to 

decide everyday I am 

worthy of serious, loyal

Affection from You, Abba,

the one who calls me by name,

rejoicing over me right here in this

Place. I keep smiling from the inside out 

and oh my Father, every

Evening seems overwhelming with

The way I 

fmf: decide.

and now I tell You openly, You have my heart so don’t hurt me. You’re what I couldn’t find. (This cover is 🙋😍💕💕)

So many beautiful, awesome things this week. Along with some serious tears and now a sore throat and stuffy/runny nose.

But I have hope. That Jesus will not disappoint. Because He never fails.

Never fails to drop reminder how prayer is so strong. He hears. He cares. He loves. He is a warrior against all lies catapulted at me.

I am worthy to do all He is placing in my hands because He is the One qualifying me. And the enemy can whisper, He isn’t coming, look at you with how you are failing, aren’t going anywhere. You fall into doubt so easy.

But God says He is the lifter of my head.

To not be discouraged because He is my God and He will strengthen and uphold me.

He will fill my mouth with good things.

He will love me lavishly.

He will take my right hand.

He has my name engraved on his hand.

He will lead me beside quiet waters

& lead me in the path for His namesake.

He will be my shepherd.

My Abba.

My Yahweh. 

My friend.

Always.

through the cloud

I hear the news-

people aching, screaming 

to be heard, seen. Anxiety 

Is hiding beneath their bone 

& I know we are all the same,

wandering round: God, where 

are you? Do you hear me at all?

Part the sea, split the rock so we 

Can drink again–the river of your 

goodness again. Maybe we’re blind, 

because I saw the sun peek 

fmf: news. I listened to the news the other day and between 3 different stories I wanted to cry. So much pain and I wanted God to hold these people and show he is with them. Sometimes I feel naive because I don’t keep up on the news beside the little bit I catch from people or email. And the little bit typically breaks my heart. For God to do something. I’d like it to be spectacular, but small works, too.

“Shepherd, O GOD, your people with your staff, your dear and precious flock. Uniquely yours in a grove of trees, centered in lotus land. Let them graze in lush Bashan as in the old days in green Gilead. Reproduce the miracle-wonders of our exodus from Egypt.”‭‭Micah‬ ‭7:14-17‬ ‭MSG‬‬

I pulled this up today and thought to myself: please, please please! I’ve seen it but I’d love to see it again and again. So I’m sticking here to see.

breathe Me in 

I remember my youth during this day of ash–

sitting at the head of the table 

as he brought Filet-o-fish & fries,

asking for ketchup be brought to me immediately. “It’s right here.”

she’d say, coming in from the kitchen with red, blue, green cups 

full of juice–maybe grape–and Doug Funny or Rugrats on TV.
I had no concept this was a way of death, 

but give something, meat, up because 

Jesus says. What you are told you shall do. 

And who doesn’t want McDonald’s

when you are young?
I knew what I was given was enough, not 

as an act of love.

when I grew from this to tuna fish 

on toast, I sat still in oblivion-one

bite, two. Enough. Enough. Enough.
Today, tomorrow, til my heart

opens without refrain to you,

come again with laughter casting

fearful dread aside. Touch my sweating hands, there, there, child, I may not be enough to you, but I am. You are enough. 
In these truths, remain.
***

Lent will probably always remind me of eating tuna fish on toast and filet o fish sandwiches with over my grandparents as a child. Or when my other grandma took me for fish fries with mac n cheese and green beans. I’ve always thought of this time as sacrifice, but for myself. I knew it was for Jesus, but never to get closer to him. It’s interesting to me that during this quarter of my life, I’ve done this and felt like I failed myself, Jesus, others. People have always seemed more disciplined at this. 

I think I was/still am drawn to the fact I can eat McDonald’s filer o fish for cheap during this time. And I can give up certain foods without it really being an issue. 

But maybe this year will be more of challenge because I want to give up the way I talk  about myself for his truth about me.

You are beloved.

You are complete.

You are enough.
I’ve spent a lot of my nights reading his word. Journaling during the day or reading another book. The minute I try sleeping at night, I feel small and overcome by fear that has gone not to make my heartbeat race but my hands sweat.

What is wrong with dreaming to go abroad? He isn’t going to let you. Oh, what? He just told you he loves you? Yeah, okay.

Because someone who loves you tells you to wait. Makes you talk to emptiness with only: though anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

You see him comforting you? Cause you’re sweating more and more and especially after I get you away. Even for a second. You keep crying and squirming and telling people the truth and what have you got?

Dismay. Oh and I know what he says, do not be dismayed for I am your God. You got two rejections last week all because your looking for approval? That’s a real strength booster huh?

You don’t even know what you want anymore, so indecisive and needy and afraid to even trust. Try harder won’t you?

^^^^that just all came out now, but this is what goes on inside my head, while I hear the quietest, I love you.

Prayers would seriously be appreciated because I’d rather hear the quiet invitation of his love, receive it, than rig thrum of doom I’ve been getting each night.

He is faithful.