make us ready.

Father

He tells me

he is the last to know

we are not together anymore.

I want to know why he even cares – it takes my mother to

◦ pull me back to reality – to

◦ Say do I really want to go

◦ Down that road again? You want a a guy who has religion in his life. There are guys like that out there. You can be flattered but don’t respond. I don’t want to be flattered though. I want to be

◦ Honored, respected. I don’t need to be ea(ting from the tree anymore, letting the serpent tell me, don’t you want this? No, I actually want someone who will carry me around, will see my worth the first time and his words and actions match up. So, here I am blocking the holes that got you in the first time, praying, Father, keep me safe

and prepare me for the man who

lives a life of integrity in light of Your love, to have & to hold,

to cherish me forever.)

fmf: last.

*( where timer stopped.

in every way

God,

I feel the fear

creeping over my heart

that I’ve messed up again.

it begs my question come

to the surface again: are

You as kind when I fall short

of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no

one will love you when you fail,

look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the

biggest to the smallest of ways.

Lord, I need you. I need you to

show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)

fmf: deep.

11/16/18

//

Day 126

//

Father.

I want to know 

You see me here—

How are You romancing 

My soul in this one day?

The fear is clouding up

My chest again—the little

Voice that is telling me I

Made a mistake—go back,

Unblock. Apologize for shutting 

Out because you are afraid of the dark—

Not the one that occurs when light is turned 

Off, but the one I cant fix, help with, Jesus, except

To pray again & again. 

 

fmf: one.

11/9/18

//

Day 124

//

Dear God,

Please lift the weight

In my chest—I cant miss him

Anymore. I don’t want to—the

Ache to all him how he is or

Share about going to see Lauren

Daigle—it will not come off the same

As telling a guy who wants to follow

You – and cares my heart in a way I’ve

Yet to experience. It is the waves of

Wondering – is there someone out there

Who wants to pursue me & not as a side

Thing? Will I at some point stop wanting

Him to come to You? The joy of Your love

Even when your heart is aching?  Will this

Get any easier? Why did marriage have to

Be a thing this year? Will You hold me

Close now & bring laughter again & again

Until this is distant & far from my memory?

It is hard, Lord, to sit in this darkness along 

With friends aching — each of us in a distant 

Circle—this hurts but it will get better—we tell

Each other over & over—God has this—can I

Have a listening ear? Will there be a joyful time

At one time where the confetti can explode &

The dancing Ive seen in my dreams will feel as

The best surrender?

I give You this burden

because You promise

You tenderly care for me

& You will lift up my head.

 

fmf: burden.

 

*written some with/without timer because I thought it started, but apparently not. This was a hard one to write, but I’m so thankful for the friends who are there to pick me up & speak truth when it is hard to take because my heart just aches. But there is music and laughter & prayer & a fun game called Red Flags I want to play forever & a Christmas concert: Lauren Daigle’s Behold Tour in December & a fun countdown app another friend showed me. So, no matter how much pain I feel right now, God’s got me under His wings. I’m holding on to that today.

10/14/18

//

Day 123

//

God,

What I can praise You 

for– the butterflies You place 

before my eyes that remind me 

to breathe & stay steady. Steadfast. Last

night the tears 

came ready to expose the lies 

– I am getting pushed away again when 

there is distance already. But then I fell 

You I don’t understand, I don’t know 

what to say, but I feel 

– You standing there, listening 

– and looking at me even if I 

– can’t see You. And then You 

– give me the courage to sing 

– & dance  

fmf: praise

10/6-7/18

//

Day 121-122

//

God,

Who I am to be

given love like this –

under these covers 

where my body freezes 

and heats from the flu,

You surround me with 

the dog next to me & 

melody & memories 

of a friend who saw Your

fruit growing in me long before 

this girl knew what she saw in me–the 

fruit of the spirit –inevitable when I 

spend with You under Your wings. I 

whisper 

every longing that hasn’t come

to be, or maybe one has and I’ve been too 

blind to see. 

Rescue me from the doubt 

subtly creeping into my mind:

You have forgotten me. You 

don’t hear me. My longing &

desire are too much for you. 

I want to tell him over & over, 

losing my religion-all those prayers I 

prayed when I was little, every last 

person, the ‘now I lay me to sleep prayer’ 

– the fear that Jesus was condemning me 

as I slept each night, doesn’t compare to 

turning my eyes upon Him &

feeling loved in stillness knowing even if 

He doesn’t answer as I expect, He has the 

best for me. 

As He does for you. Relationship means 

you can show your soul and know you 

are still loved. You can start over. You can 

believe the best. 

You can dream. And yes, I know 

I struggle with allowing myself to do this, 

to be loved, but You say I am, Jesus. I am 

welcomed 

to abide in this love. Because 

then the fruit grows. I remember when 

he said

I was inviting him into this 

relationship You and I share &

it made my heart swell. I yearn 

for him to see You and remember every 

talk we’ve had

or will have about You. I want 

You to be the center of our relationship, 

God. I want him 

to know Your peace, Your forgiveness, 

Your love. 

I want him to know You are 

still rolling stones of shame & loss & 

bring 

beauty out. You

make all things new – laughter 

from sorrow, goodbyes to hellos, rebel 

hearts to open,

ready to receive from You. 

Let fear not dictate to turn 

Your love away, You give 

everything lovely — this name

he called me one morning and 

then I heard it in a song describing who 

You are and then again in a verse You 

whispered to my heart gently, think 

about the things noble, true, lovely, 

praiseworthy, honorable. But I think how 

I hear/see You in his words/actions even 

if we are miles away. I know I say it a lot, 

but there is a longing and fire in my 

bones I can’t shake  – I yearn to see Your 

hand in this whole thing and I will keep

asking & listen to Your reassuring:

Look 

up, child, I’m making a way. 

You’ll see. 

This poem was inspired by life currently (as always) and Lauren Daigle’s album, Look Up, Child. I will never tire of getting moved by an artist’s music and writing with the song titles. It’s so much fun. ☺️ feeling God meet me there every time. 

10/5/18

//

Day 120

//

God, 

what can I share 

with You that’s on my heart 

You don’t already know –

my body aches, my eyes hurt 

as if I haven’t slept in weeks 

even though I went to sleep 

at 7 last night and woke up 

at 2 am wanting You. Staring 

into the darkness, feeling 

disoriented and lost. 

I want to sleep for hours

but fill my heart with noise, 

truth, silence. I want to go back 

up north and feel the autumn that can’t 

be found in 88 degrees. Or changing 

colors of leaves. Yellows. Reds. Oranges. 

God, my heart longs to know

what You are doing but still 

I am content. I am c(ontent to be still and 

wait for You. Come soon, won’t You?)
fmf: share.

(* where timer stopped. 

10/4/18

//

Day 119

//

The world is loud,

too loud. I can not 

hear my heartbeat 

anymore over the lawn mower, cars 

passing or rustling

leaves. I am numb,

but awake as I watch 

the butterflies zip by

like a jacket zipper 

I’ve no longer tried to hide behind – I’ve 

opened my heart 

& heard my thoughts echo,

God, why don’t I believe in me?

why don’t I believe You have good for 

me? Why does my heart ache over dreams 

that seem 

so empty? 

Why does the one thing I want seem

like a dream, almost 

a fantasy–a relationship that will 

require all of me? Why does sacrifice 

even look for two people with broken 

bodies with disabilities?

Why does my inside feel peace but still 

want a try?

But yet, I sit here and wait, I sit here & 

wonder if a friendship will last. If he 

means what he says. If you hear me, 

Lord. It one day, he’ll see you not as a 

religion, but a person with blood flow and 

tears and laughter to the overflow. 

You are not mad,

but extending so much mercy –

this is where my heart is in the midst 

of waiting and paperwork and friendships

holding 

my leaves to the sky.

They whisper, “you are growing. See? 

We’ll get through this. You’ll see. God 

has this. The future is bright for you. You 

sound so happy. Pray.”

And we bloom In 

unity. Slowly. Differently. 

Always connected 

at the root. 

Jesus. Sweetest 

mercy.

9/28/18

//

Day 118

//

God, 

I long to know

If this has potential—

It is not a desperate,

But a gentle calm

As I wait. You are 

Holding us in Your hand

& You brought us together

This time, right now, for reasons

I can’t seem to understand—

I walk by faith, not by sight 

You say. When all I can see

Is distance and constant,

Persistent talking, prayer, 

You must see more, like

Our hearts. I don’t know 

You are weaving this,

But it is beautiful &

Scary. I want to see Your

Hand in every little thing

& praise You all the more.

 

fmf: potential

9/22/18

//

Day 117

//

God,

Your song

May it never 

Complete it’s melody

When I feel low or high

In the clouds of my daydreams,

Let ut repeat the chorus of Your

Love for me. Hold me & let me 

Sway to heart for me: I love you,

Child. I know Your desires – the 

Desires of intimacy—those smiles

& inside jokes & silence that will 

Never make you feel small, but 

seen & heard, held. Hold tight

To me. You’ll see the dance 

Isn’t over yet. It’s just begun & I know

You weren’t expecting this turn, but

It will be okay. Let my peace bring

You into this new thing where your

Voice is found, your laughter is heard

& the conversations linger on into the 

Night where you forget the time. I see

Those little smiles creep from your heart

To your mouth, spreading out. This is hope

I see you. 

 

fmf: complete.

 

God, You’re not done yet. I may be tired, sad and a little confused, but You do infinitely more than I ask or think or imagine according the power working within me. I want to see it–the ways You see me here, the sadness I feel for others, a bit of my own, but I know You are faithful, I will wait and see You. You will not forget me. You have a plan. A purpose. And there will be joy.