won’t stop you anyway. 

Jesus,

pave the way 

so I may see

myself through Your

eyes, help me accept

Your love. Let me open

my arms and embrace You.

You are wonderful and faithful 

to woo me beyond my every no. 

Don’t let me go – let me dance with you 

right here. Don’t mind

the tears, this is all new and the lies I 

don’t deserve this – I don’t deserve such 

mercy to cover me though I will turn 

away tomorrow 

fmf: accept

Tired doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel lately. Weary maybe. Worn out. Burned out. I have not come through on two things this month (one including reading a book I’m supposed to help launch) so far. In between telling God, I’m going to do it. Yep, got distracted again. I don’t have the energy. 

I keep doing devotionals (whispers of rest. I can’t quit it.) and reading the bible. And rambling to God about how things don’t make sense and blah blah blah. Not the things are supposed to make sense but I need I don’t know, more than physical rest. Though some solid rest would be cool. Can I have a hug? A looooong one. I know you’re here, God. I know it. I know it. I’m just a little I don’t even know. And all ELLIE HOLCOMB TICKETS SOLD OUT, ughhh God, I want to go! Please. Please please please. PLEASE. I’m going to wait and pray to you. 

In the midst of all my rambling there has been:

1. Yellow butterflies. I know they mean guidance. Always come when I’m least expecting. 

2. An explosion of snacks brought from dad from his last trip. Included: trail mix, candy bars, pretzels (eating soon) and chips. 

3. Oreo shake from my mom. 

4. Pop pies and laughter from my brother until my sides hurt. 

5. My dad getting me a window seat for trip to Texas in 9 days.

6. Late night Voxer (this is a very interesting app where I feel like I’m a cop with a walkie talkie but nice to be share our hearts and come back later if we need to) with a friend. So much laughter and goodness last night. 

7. Anticipation to hug another friend in 9 days and possibly sing all Ellie until I can’t 😂 and possibly this:

8. I can pave the road for you. seriously so catchy and I love how she dances with her daughter and she says: yeah. 😍

9. This friend coming back to blogging!!!! So excited you don’t even know. 🙋🙋🙋
Thank you again, Lord, for all the abundance in the hard places. I may not always recongnize or acknowledge it because I’m so busy asking for heaven now and for you to come comfort me. Hug me literally. Give me what I want right now. Because I am a child and sometimes I’m wanting, wanting, wanting. Wanting relationships to be better, vision, things. But it doesn’t compare to the way you sing to me. The way you dance within me when we are. The way it’s like heaven has come and I just want to stay with you in this moment, alone. Stay sith me and whisper how you will never leave even as I cry for home. You are good. And everything that isn’t yet is because you either want me to wait or isn’t meant for me. Everything that is coming or here, let me rejoice and feel you burn with me. Such delight within me. Promised for eternity. Amen. 

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turn away again. 

Won’t you come

& sweep up my heart

again, Lord? Your smile

begs my attention while

the world says my name,

Julia, Julia, julia. The frustration 

grips me and I wonder what my place is 

again. I yearn to stay in this quiet place 

with you where I can be calm, maybe 

laugh again, and I won’t lie and say I 

don’t long for the company of a friend, 

where a hug can embrace my frame. But 

you’re in room and I can’t 

Fmf: place.

I like this prompt. Though I totally thought I’d go a different way with it. Ask Jesus what my place is. Where I belong. Because it is confusing lately, this tension of wanting to where I belong with the world and where I belong with Jesus. The world is so loud and HEYY LOOK. LOOK. HELLO, did you hear me, I said look! (And books, though they can’t speak like a person, will make you look for a very long time. As in whether you should buy it. But it isn’t dire right now.) 

while Jesus is quiet, more tender. Stay with me. But Jesus, I.. I know. Stay with me. Can’t I fix it? Stay with me. I don’t understand what is happening. My insides feel like I may burn up with joy for reasons I don’t know. Stay with me. Ughh this makes me so sad and why does it feel like no cares, but you do. Stay with me. Why are all my relationships hard right now but I feel so close to you? Stay with me. Jesus. I want that intimacy. Stay with me. Stay with me. I feel like I’m losing. Stay with me.  Did you really answer my prayer? Stay with me. What about me? Stay with me. Wait and see. I love you. 

Its hard to stay in that peace when the world can so easily lure me away. And then I lose my focus and feel like it’s my duty to keep everything going, under control. But it’s not. It never will be. But I want to stay at his feet. In his word. The pull has never been stronger this year. Or maybe it’s my eagerness too. But this is where I’m finding most of my delight. Maybe all lately. And even though we’re a little more than half way through the year, I can’t wait to see what more surprises he has up his sleeve. 

Keep my eyes fixed on you, Jesus, the author and initator of my faith. 

holy

Lord,

bring me to

a place of harmony

with myself &. Others

– let me love myself enough 

– To hold on to this way you 

– inspire me with melody. All the lies 

come at me today; you are unworthy, 

nothing comes your way good but that’s 

not what you say. You say I will see the 

goodness of You while I’m here in the 

land of living. You will make me laugh 

instead of worry. You will bring beauty 

from these ashes I think look more 

appealing than this smile You give me. 

You are good and faithful, intentional & 

fmf: inspire 

I will see the goodness of the Lord while I’m here in the land of the living. This is I know: the Lord is on my side. I am precious. He will be my helper. He will hold me by my right hand. I don’t need to be discouraged, He is my God. I don’t need to be afraid, He is with me. He will strengthen me and uphold me with his VICTORIOUS right hand. Heart, take courage he’s coming with a rain of his blessing. His faithfulness. You’ll see. You won’t be able to miss. So you got rejected from a job you didn’t really want but still hurt. And you got silence for others. So? God has his best for you. His absolute best. He’s coming and in the meantime be grateful:

-friends pray with/for you. 

-they listen and remind you the truth

– that you are a little half way through the bible

-that you can sing and do a little hip shake dance

-you have food/water/shelter/a family who loves you. 

-you stepped out of your comfort zone this week. 

-you are beloved. 

-sister brought you a chocolate moose with marshmallow top. And salmon and asparagus. 

She’s always watching you. Let you sing this to her while you held her as if she’s your child.

Rejection may feel like it’s stinging heavy, but you know it’s not true. Hang on dear heart, he loves you very much. He’ll come through. 

ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

what’s underneath this ugly.

God,

This light and momentary affliction doesn’t compared to the future glory of Yourself You will display. Right? I want to believe in the midst of these slow beginnings of finding my voice. In the dark of places. It’s a little lonely and the way I feel my heart ache for You, I just hope You’ll come soon and show me. This anger and sorrow and rbrokenness is silly in the light of Your but I can’t seem to shed it. Like Sara Groves song about shedding this skin and leaving it on the ground. But you’ve seen 

Fmf: future

I just noticed I didn’t put “love” after “light of Your” — I know it’s a free write but sometimes I just want to have the words right. It’s like I write faster in my head.

God has been very kind this week and I would like to take a moment to write out some gratitude.

1. The way I’m pretty sure He’s making the fragrance of the flowers my sister gave me really come out in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. 

2. Pretty much goes along with number 1, but friends who listen to your broken heart and tell you it’s okay to be a mess and feel all your feelings and to tell God everything.

3. This morning when the cat seemed to move and lay on the book I’m reading or the bible..forcing me to get quiet and talk to God again. He knows I can’t resist her. Preciousness that she is.

4. Watching Miss You Already on Hulu and feeling sad one minute, happy the next for the depth of this friendship and family and the way it endures through this woman’s battle with cancer. I really didn’t know it had to do with cancer but  I read the blurb about friendship and was like, yes please. The mom of the woman with cancer breaks her out of hospice so she can be there for her best friend having her first baby and I’m all: 😍😭😭. I can’t get the movie out of my head. Watch it.

5. God’s patience and love while I get used to being His Beloved and find my voice again. Or maybe the first time. It is terrifying. And good.
And because I can’t leave a post without sharing Sara’s song, here you go. ☺️

sound so sad 

God, come here again. Give me a visit from a smiling friend. Wrap me up gently in your arms for I am tired. So tired. But i keep rising up to sit here and wait for you to come. To lift my eyes to your eyes, they are filled with so much compassion and mercy. I don’t care much why notes don’t sound the same – whybtheyball

Fmf: visit.

It’s so weird that five minute Friday will have it’s own space starting next week. It’s good. The change will take some getting used to though. 

I’m really trying to find the humor in my “whybtheyball” or what I’m even talking about in this letter except that I’m tired and want time with a friend in person or God or both. I was writing to music so I think I got lost in it for a minute. Shocker. 

Today in Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray, there’s a challenge for today’s devotional to do something that makes me smile. Typically music makes me feel happier, but today not so much. It just made me really focus on the suggested songs that played, both from psalm 130 about the depths of despair and waiting.
God, please help me to wait on You because I’m losing hope. And yet still holding on. You will restore all the locusts have eaten and are doing more than I ask or think even when I don’t acknowledge it or can’t see it. I know it’s okay to cry out because David did, but it’s hard for me right now because I’m tired of crying and waiting and confusion. Thank you the stuffed and candy my sister just brought me back from the zoo. Help me keep praising you. Thank you. Amen.


Yes, panda, we’re going to the watering Word.