5/11/18

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Day 103

//

Jesus,

I don’t know 

what to include 

in this gratitude 

poem – the fog

in my right eye 

makes me wonder 

If I’ve been crying 

but there is no water. 

This week has been 

one where I’ve felt 

the dark, the oppression 

forcing me down, making me 

look at the shadows – but then 

You are there, listening to me tell You it’s

too dark and I’m afraid. But Lord, You are 

faithful 

to bring friends to ask me how I 

am, to pray, to make me laugh 

& remind me even if time has

(passed, Your love for me never 

changes.)

Love, 

Your tender – haired girl. 
Ps. Thank You for dad who apparently thinking about me quite a bit because he saw a j in the sky yesterday that I can’t see still – but from the picture it looks like a girl walking through fire or light with a ponytail and dress, got me a triple Mocha frappe and a little something extra – ghirardelli intense dark chocolate squares. Didn’t ask for them. I know I told You after he left I was going to ask for expresso m&ms because they are good. Really good. But I wanted to wait til Kelly and my girl’s weekend. But it’s just funny how You will surprise me anyway because you want, not just because I have to ask. Thank you. You are kinda doing abundantly more than I’m asking or thinking. We are up to 66 things on that gratitude list. Think You get to 100 or beyond by Wednesday?)
Fmf: include  ( is where timer stopped. 

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5/6/18

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Day 102

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God,

I would like

to adapt to sitting 

here & getting lost 

in a melody that brings 

back memory – walking 

around her block with the

sunshine or the sun, but 

always knowing on that 

street I had a home where

I was welcomed with chili 

or corn on the cob & Your 

presence penetrating my 

heart. I miss her & I cannot

hide it or the fact I’d like to 

tell about the ways You are 

lavishing Your love while I 

sit here and recover from the

first cataract surgery. I wonder 

if she’d worry. Even though we

can trust You with all t(hings, I felt loved 

through the worry. It’s weird, I know. 

And I’m sure she’d tell me to allow my 

eye to heal, but I’m being rebellious 

because it is hard not tell You thank You 

for being so close to me during this 

recovery. Especially earlier when I sat 

on the floor waiting to see 

if the cat got out while noticing 

a huge bug climb up the wall. 

You must love my exclamations:

That bug is huge! Oh Jesus! Ugh. I felt no 

fear in my heart, but that You were beside 

me, reassuring, it’s okay. She’s down 

there. It’s okay. And I continue to freak 

out, this is going to be my fault. How am I  

going to explain this? You listen. 

I call her again and just when I want to 

lose hope, she comes up and I say, thank 

you, Jesus

Thank you for slowly opening my eyes 

again to how deeply 

You love me, especially when I 

don’t deserve it, doing nothing 

at all. If you could double or triple my 

gratitude list from this week, it would be 

cool. Thank you for always listening and 

making me still to see. 

Love

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I can’t wait for the confetti canon. Seriously. The anticipatory happiness is building like crazy. I can see myself jumping around. )

*( where timer stopped

Fmf: adapt. 

4/27/18

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Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.

3/31/18

//

Day 91

//

God,
I keep thinking of 

the disciples, the 

weight of sorrow 

I feel on this Saturday 

(Sadderday). Walking 

back together, these 

disciples, friends hope 

for Your redeeming power,

saving. You meet them on 

this road & they don’t even 

know it’s You. You ask, what 

are you talking about? but their 

down turned faces could tell You. Still, 

You want to know. 

You come alongside them in

their sorrow, grief too heavy. 

They tell You they thought Jesus was the 

Messiah, but 

after three days, there is still 

no sight of You. 

Lord, it is me,

sitting here & 

saying, I can’t 

see You. Though 

I’m sure I saw You

in his smile & almost 

twinkle in his eyes

down to his smile.

The joy because he 

knows I have a sweet 

tooth & a love of chai. 

How can tears still find 

me, missing her from a

book about butterflies,

or the Polish hamburgers/

cabbage & noodles? Or the

friend coming to mind again 

after accidentally stumbling

upon a glitter bomb, imagining 

the laughter? – the

ache even though I know 

tomorrow celebrates You 

coming to redeem, call me

Your beloved, to Your side.

Us all.

But today, Lord –

I’m tired. I am weary. 

Things I’ve said yesterday 

& spoke aloud to You today,

makes me think You have all

right to look away, leave me 

in the dark, but still I sit & listen 

to these songs, about your faithfulness, 

that You are here –

even if You haven’t given me 

what I want, You are still good. 

Surround me in Your shelter,

kindness yet again. 

I’m trusting, You, Lord,

& if You disappear from 

view again, let me remember 

the burning of my heart as You

whisper, I’m still with you. O my 

child, I’m still with you. 

It’s true. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

3/24/18

//

Day 88

//

Father,

here we are 

again-at this

table & her voice 

singing about Your

goodness–what is

Your routine kindness?

The way You’ve asked me

to wait again. To hold on yet

again. To wait again. To see.

There’s nothing here or is Your

silence a listening ear as I tell You, I don’t 

understand but I want to trust the 

kindness You store up, the blessing 

unseen will make me tear up, a cry of joy. 

There’s joy now and over and over again

You find me-with corn on (the cob & time 

with my parents and You alone, asking, 

how have I not read this before? Or 

pleading on another’s behalf, or singing 

as I am right now. It is You and me here, 

in this valley where I cry, ask why and 

feel the weight of disappointment, but 

still Your face greets me with a smile 

without deception to tease me.
love,

your tender-haired girl)

FMF: routine

*( is where timer stopped. 

2/23/18

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Day 71

//

God,
What beauty did
Bartimaeus see when You
Healed him from blindness—
What will I see after this cataract
Surgery? Will the sun be brighter?
Will flowers hold more color? Will
The shadows disappear I sometimes
See? Will I still have to hold things close
To my face, or be jumpy when someone
Comes close? What I don’t understand
Is having to be awake for tpphe whole thing—
I kn(ow You will be there in the pre-op appt.
Next Friday & whenever the surgery is. I’m
afraid, Lord. I know it’s a routine surgery,
& it’s just a laser & it will be okay because
You will be with me—I don’t like being awake
Even with whatever they will give to relax me.
“Hey, let’s look at your eye & take that cloudy
Away, okay? Now whatever you do, don’t blink
Or move.” Yeah, that sounds so fun. Especially
With how jumpy I am. Lord, I Would really like
A friend to sit with me during some of the recovery—
To make me laugh and maybe read to me You already
Know what I said I’d like yesterday. It makes me laugh
Still If You did it, I think You’d get a shout of joy—remember
I said I wanted to see when a shout of joy escaped my lips?
Could You do this with this request? Please, please. Thank
You for being here now, anyhow. Thank You for knowing my
Fears & not pffting them aside, or my request for comfort &
Laughter & presence. You are good to provide them all—
May I take note & thank You because it all comes from
You.)

Love,
Your tender-haired girl

fmf: beauty.  ( is where the timer stopped.