ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

what’s underneath this ugly.

God,

This light and momentary affliction doesn’t compared to the future glory of Yourself You will display. Right? I want to believe in the midst of these slow beginnings of finding my voice. In the dark of places. It’s a little lonely and the way I feel my heart ache for You, I just hope You’ll come soon and show me. This anger and sorrow and rbrokenness is silly in the light of Your but I can’t seem to shed it. Like Sara Groves song about shedding this skin and leaving it on the ground. But you’ve seen 

Fmf: future

I just noticed I didn’t put “love” after “light of Your” — I know it’s a free write but sometimes I just want to have the words right. It’s like I write faster in my head.

God has been very kind this week and I would like to take a moment to write out some gratitude.

1. The way I’m pretty sure He’s making the fragrance of the flowers my sister gave me really come out in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. 

2. Pretty much goes along with number 1, but friends who listen to your broken heart and tell you it’s okay to be a mess and feel all your feelings and to tell God everything.

3. This morning when the cat seemed to move and lay on the book I’m reading or the bible..forcing me to get quiet and talk to God again. He knows I can’t resist her. Preciousness that she is.

4. Watching Miss You Already on Hulu and feeling sad one minute, happy the next for the depth of this friendship and family and the way it endures through this woman’s battle with cancer. I really didn’t know it had to do with cancer but  I read the blurb about friendship and was like, yes please. The mom of the woman with cancer breaks her out of hospice so she can be there for her best friend having her first baby and I’m all: 😍😭😭. I can’t get the movie out of my head. Watch it.

5. God’s patience and love while I get used to being His Beloved and find my voice again. Or maybe the first time. It is terrifying. And good.
And because I can’t leave a post without sharing Sara’s song, here you go. ☺️

sound so sad 

God, come here again. Give me a visit from a smiling friend. Wrap me up gently in your arms for I am tired. So tired. But i keep rising up to sit here and wait for you to come. To lift my eyes to your eyes, they are filled with so much compassion and mercy. I don’t care much why notes don’t sound the same – whybtheyball

Fmf: visit.

It’s so weird that five minute Friday will have it’s own space starting next week. It’s good. The change will take some getting used to though. 

I’m really trying to find the humor in my “whybtheyball” or what I’m even talking about in this letter except that I’m tired and want time with a friend in person or God or both. I was writing to music so I think I got lost in it for a minute. Shocker. 

Today in Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray, there’s a challenge for today’s devotional to do something that makes me smile. Typically music makes me feel happier, but today not so much. It just made me really focus on the suggested songs that played, both from psalm 130 about the depths of despair and waiting.
God, please help me to wait on You because I’m losing hope. And yet still holding on. You will restore all the locusts have eaten and are doing more than I ask or think even when I don’t acknowledge it or can’t see it. I know it’s okay to cry out because David did, but it’s hard for me right now because I’m tired of crying and waiting and confusion. Thank you the stuffed and candy my sister just brought me back from the zoo. Help me keep praising you. Thank you. Amen.


Yes, panda, we’re going to the watering Word. 

me personally enough I want to trust You.

Lord,

The truth is I’m tired. Tired of trying, pushing, waiting, aching, hurting. And yet, I find myself in the shower tonight worshipping You. What else am I supposed to do? If it is a test, all these things that keep happening and this distance I feel for people, friends I dearly love and yet at others times feel so close to, I still want to believe the best right now. I still want to believe You can restore things to better than before. You can make me smile. Again. You can touch 

fmf: truth.

I want to do this big commentary about how I’m tired of myself and in general but I’m just going to put this verse I read in proverbs last night (I can’t believe I made it to Proverbs in my bible in a year plan. It’s awesome and shocking) because focusing on Jesus is better. And it is too easy to sink in sorrow right now.

“The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].”

‭‭PROVERBS‬ ‭10:22‬ ‭AMP‬

I totally want to see this and also I’m little confused as to why it says God as no sorrow to the blessing because it comes Him. It really makes me wonder yet again, You’re always happy, God? But you suffer with us? But you are love so it delights you to bless me when I’m sad or happy or mad or whatever because that’s who you are: good at your center. Hmm.

as before.

My emotions rise

to the surface – slow

as I’m without feeling as

I tell You, God, it’d be real

nice if you could take me 

to heaven now, just part the

Sky and take me up even though I’d 

probably be terrified.

I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my 

pants before I have to go to the doctor, 

but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning 

myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware 

as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to 

the voices inside rise. And something 

within wants to bend, break, 

fmf: slow.

Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it.  With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:

11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (‭Psalms‬ ‭65‬:‭11‬ NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.

Please awe me more, God, please, please.

Love, revive me so.

my God,

how you meet

me here with quiet

& confidence that comes

From your word: you will

give me strength, refine

me in the furnace of affliction 

so I may come forth as gold–

Lord, I long to be shiny again,

with laughter’s tears, not grief 

stricken with thoughts all this 

will always be the same. 

fmf: refine.
Something is happening to me. On the outside I’m still up & down, but my inside is randomly feeling some serious joy. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I want to. The more things become confusing the more I find myself being drawn to be still, to listen to him sing. To pour out my heart. He’s amazing with how he’s bringing verses back to me and how other songs with his word keep playing in my head almost like they’re on a loop. 

And then there’s this yesterday: 

I haven’t colored in my bible in so long. So when I opened to this other day, I was all smiley and ooh! And then wanted to color yesterday. God is stopping at nothing to be alone with & I just want to suck up all his words. All the ones that lift my soul. And all the melodies he leads me to. The hardest thing for me is watching how I still run to other people and want to share my joy or want them to fix my sorrow. But I’m learning the more I turn to him even just a bit, he’ll hold me still and comfort me. Waiting is hard. Especially when it feels like all your dreams are dying and a part of you is watching them go and another trying to hold on. 

But your heart knows it’s better to be still and know He is God. He will be exalted over all and keep the fire in your soul.