sound so sad 

God, come here again. Give me a visit from a smiling friend. Wrap me up gently in your arms for I am tired. So tired. But i keep rising up to sit here and wait for you to come. To lift my eyes to your eyes, they are filled with so much compassion and mercy. I don’t care much why notes don’t sound the same – whybtheyball

Fmf: visit.

It’s so weird that five minute Friday will have it’s own space starting next week. It’s good. The change will take some getting used to though. 

I’m really trying to find the humor in my “whybtheyball” or what I’m even talking about in this letter except that I’m tired and want time with a friend in person or God or both. I was writing to music so I think I got lost in it for a minute. Shocker. 

Today in Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray, there’s a challenge for today’s devotional to do something that makes me smile. Typically music makes me feel happier, but today not so much. It just made me really focus on the suggested songs that played, both from psalm 130 about the depths of despair and waiting.
God, please help me to wait on You because I’m losing hope. And yet still holding on. You will restore all the locusts have eaten and are doing more than I ask or think even when I don’t acknowledge it or can’t see it. I know it’s okay to cry out because David did, but it’s hard for me right now because I’m tired of crying and waiting and confusion. Thank you the stuffed and candy my sister just brought me back from the zoo. Help me keep praising you. Thank you. Amen.


Yes, panda, we’re going to the watering Word. 

me personally enough I want to trust You.

Lord,

The truth is I’m tired. Tired of trying, pushing, waiting, aching, hurting. And yet, I find myself in the shower tonight worshipping You. What else am I supposed to do? If it is a test, all these things that keep happening and this distance I feel for people, friends I dearly love and yet at others times feel so close to, I still want to believe the best right now. I still want to believe You can restore things to better than before. You can make me smile. Again. You can touch 

fmf: truth.

I want to do this big commentary about how I’m tired of myself and in general but I’m just going to put this verse I read in proverbs last night (I can’t believe I made it to Proverbs in my bible in a year plan. It’s awesome and shocking) because focusing on Jesus is better. And it is too easy to sink in sorrow right now.

“The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].”

‭‭PROVERBS‬ ‭10:22‬ ‭AMP‬

I totally want to see this and also I’m little confused as to why it says God as no sorrow to the blessing because it comes Him. It really makes me wonder yet again, You’re always happy, God? But you suffer with us? But you are love so it delights you to bless me when I’m sad or happy or mad or whatever because that’s who you are: good at your center. Hmm.

as before.

My emotions rise

to the surface – slow

as I’m without feeling as

I tell You, God, it’d be real

nice if you could take me 

to heaven now, just part the

Sky and take me up even though I’d 

probably be terrified.

I can’t believe the dog wiped mud on my 

pants before I have to go to the doctor, 

but I don’t even know what I’m cleaning 

myself up for. I’m dirty – I’m well aware 

as I sit and stare at the sky as I listen to 

the voices inside rise. And something 

within wants to bend, break, 

fmf: slow.

Today I learned something very interesting: I gained 7 pounds from May of last year. From being 102. I don’t get it.  With the way last year went, I’m surprised I don’t lose more. But God really is sustainer with what little I’ve eaten, but other than that I’m healthy and all cleared for surgery. Other things I’ve learned that no matter how many times you ask God, are you here? while you’re sitting in the waiting room and then at home, he shows up with tuna and a doughnut and Gatorade. And here:

11 You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance. (‭Psalms‬ ‭65‬:‭11‬ NLT) I read that this morning and said I’d like to see Him in the hard places and sometimes I think he likes being funny with doughnuts or food in general. He’s a funny God, He is. And I love that He won’t let go in the silence, fear, sorrow and just plain awe.

Please awe me more, God, please, please.

Love, revive me so.

my God,

how you meet

me here with quiet

& confidence that comes

From your word: you will

give me strength, refine

me in the furnace of affliction 

so I may come forth as gold–

Lord, I long to be shiny again,

with laughter’s tears, not grief 

stricken with thoughts all this 

will always be the same. 

fmf: refine.
Something is happening to me. On the outside I’m still up & down, but my inside is randomly feeling some serious joy. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I want to. The more things become confusing the more I find myself being drawn to be still, to listen to him sing. To pour out my heart. He’s amazing with how he’s bringing verses back to me and how other songs with his word keep playing in my head almost like they’re on a loop. 

And then there’s this yesterday: 

I haven’t colored in my bible in so long. So when I opened to this other day, I was all smiley and ooh! And then wanted to color yesterday. God is stopping at nothing to be alone with & I just want to suck up all his words. All the ones that lift my soul. And all the melodies he leads me to. The hardest thing for me is watching how I still run to other people and want to share my joy or want them to fix my sorrow. But I’m learning the more I turn to him even just a bit, he’ll hold me still and comfort me. Waiting is hard. Especially when it feels like all your dreams are dying and a part of you is watching them go and another trying to hold on. 

But your heart knows it’s better to be still and know He is God. He will be exalted over all and keep the fire in your soul.

don’t know what to do.

Now here I sit

under covers &

a lamp light illuminating 

part of the room, with two

lights on the ceiling. God,

I need no help seeing guilt

turned shame in my heart.

How I’ve ran so far from you.

Into the fear and brokenness,

but yet I find I still tremble 

when you wish to look upon

my sorry. I’m sorry will no longer do–

don’t wish to learn 

at a school or get a job when I d

fmf: now

Last five minute friday of the year today. So weird because I could keep going but I think it’s good to take a break and go into the new year refreshed. I’m so thankful for this community. 

I feel like I need some major refreshment in my life. In all areas but majorly in the way I see Jesus and how he sees me. My word for this year has been “receive” and I’m not sure I’ve done so well with that. Or maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong. I think I’ve been looking at it like: Jesus has this huge surprise and it’s going to fix everything, make me feel better. And that is silly. He is the surprise and the comforter. I’m very confused about my life and all these desires that seem light years away. Like launching someone’s book or at the very least, making graphics for them.  Or if my writing is going anywhere – if it has a purpose, direction. If God is really directing my steps and delights in EVERY DETAIL of my life. 

I know he is directing me at a more slow pace than I feel most are moving. And that he delights that I love hours at the kitchen table with him. When I get distracted by Instagram and when I get lost in yet another Sara Groves song for the millionth time. That I want to pray more though at times lately I’m not sure he’s listening and my energy is low. He delights in the friendships he is brought through this blog and launch teams, Instagram and real life that are far but worth it no matter how hard it feels sometimes. He delights in how I want to know who he is more and myself. He delights in that I want to feel the joy of Christmas, his coming to embrace me. My family. My friends. I honestly don’t even see all this til I write it.

He delights in us. May we receive this delight of God with us again this Christmas.

Light of Waiting

He beckon us into stillness, wraps us in delight, breathes life back into weary.” Love this.

Wrap us in delight, LORD, while we wait.

Grace Filled Road

Advent is the slow and tender of the season.

While I want this to be the time of stringing lights, and finding the perfect two foot pine to hang with gold and stars—I’m actually sitting in a room needing to be emptied.

Instead of the smell of cookies baking and hot chocolate on low heat for the next month, cardboard fills the air and says, stuff me full.

Even though I have season’s hymns on repeat, and I dance to Christmas in the Room every morning with tiny man by the woodstove fire (completely magical), it doesn’t feel like Christmas. Or December. Or presents.

But Advent helps me bend my knees and feel, to take a deep breath of it all again.

Last year I wrote,

How sweet it is to know that God chose the coming of his son, for the keeping of our hearts. So often the pace…

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truth: all is well.

At this table

again, I sit. I

look out the window

and catch a glimpse 

of a leaf I mistake for

a bird pass by. My question

rises again: are you personal,

God? How far have I fallen? I can’t feel 

 you holding me still.

I crave to be in arms i know where all is 

quiet & I don’t need

the answer but to hear the tr

fmf: crave.

Between yesterday and today, there have been some water works over thinking God is not personal, surrendering what I thought I didn’t really want but actually did. And having to give up control. And sit in the wait and see God is right there. He didn’t leave and he’s not angry about my desire to be helpful and knowing I need him so much. To be wrapped in his love. I just want to soak myself in His word. Sometimes I wish surrender didn’t hurt, that there was such joy. And I seem get stuck in the pain and anger and sorrow, I can’t see how giving it up will help. Or how I can acknowledge them and give them up. Have a long way to go in maturity.

Disappointment hurts especially when you don’t get why, but I’m holding onto this: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”  ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬.

And this.