Gardenia bloomed here.
Sight still unveiling splendor.
Lord, awash wonder.
I look at the glittered J
on the base of my cane,
surrounded by all diadems–
I cannot think of my name
but yours, ah yes, how sweet
it is to trust you, Jesus. I don’t
understand the blood pouring
steady & sure beneath my bone,
the ache asking me be still & know.
You are God.
Cease all striving.
Fail. Abba, we are
here inhaling truth-
Don’t despair, I’ll save you
from the faraway places.
Your depression days
are over. I’ll cure your
diseases, redeem your
life from the pit & crown
you with my love. You will
be satisfied with good things,
renewed as an eagle
spreading wings. My compassion
Is coming for thee. We breath out
the lies: You are punishing me forever.
I’m hopelessly in fear. You don’t care,
blocking up Your holy
You hear me cry, see my
tears fall as I stare up in black
unknown–God, hear my plea:
bring wonder, turn my heels
back. Let my mind go blank &
tears of joy fall to the floor.
Let me dance, my spirit
uproar in praise to You,
my Abba, friend, & counselor.
so this week has been interesting. Today my friend Miah, released her first book!! A book about letting go of perfectionism and how God uses you without you even realizing it.
I had the opportunity to read this a few months ago after reaching out to Miah. God really does work in interesting ways because when she liked a photo of something on my Instagram, I went a little crazy seeing the title of her upcoming book.
Of course I wanted to read it, but something in me was drawn to the word, reluctant. I spent many days: God, I want to read her book. Please please please?! I felt asking would be weird. I also didn’t want to go all launch crazy.
I emailed her one day and then she sent her along in an email, after I told her my struggle with not knowing where God is leading me. And being introverted. I was only to read it. I really was.
Then, I went crazy. Not launch crazy. Edit crazy. I didn’t even mean to. I sat on my phone and made notes. That isn’t the worst part. I had such a longing to help mixed with heavy expectation to catch everything in a decent time frame, that I pushed myself hard. I also emailed Miah telling her how I was crying because I wanted it to be perfect. To get it done before her deadline.
God had serious compassion on me. Serious. I finished and I highly doubt I caught everything, especially since I kept checking myself to make sure I didn’t change something based on how I would say something. (Tough one for me)
I think I’m telling this because what I experienced while reading her book, happens any time I take anything on–perfection mad. But I don’t know perfection is as God does. He never looks for me to do something perfect, He asks for what I have. My small offering and He takes care of the rest.
He also shows me continuously how a thank you!! makes my soul dance & how it doesn’t even compare to $. It’s food enough.
Yesterday was my 3 year anniversary blogging here. I wanted to write something to honor it or something, but I’m still in shock. I also keep wanting to take a look at my first poem I wrote. See if it compares with today’s. As in if I still feel the same. I’m think shocked more that I’ve stuck with this for so long and let evolve from poetry to some prose.
Shock. I wonder what the rest of the week will bring. Oh, and I was chosen to help launch this book. If God could be any funnier or subtle about inviting me to come out hiding, I think I’m getting the point 🙄. God is hilarious. Really.
here is where
i start to waver—
ask you to show
God, i fear i’ll fail,
if i don’t take this
housing offer, with-
out money for upfront
fees. or sign up
for classed i don’t
have interest in
to write better,
belief upon tongue.
i quiver with blush
inside my chest.
there is something
else, a chance among
a voice whose words
i’ve had no luck
trust me. & your
hand asking mine.
God, I shouldn’t be shocked at this at all. I mean, you gave me one of the coolest opportunities. Launching this book coming out next month. The very encouraging words throughout the whole thing so far. That I’m not screwing up, it’s okay to go slow & not be so serious. It’s no wonder to you I want to go the launch party. In North Carolina… way out of comfort zone. Among people I don’t know, To say thank you to Emily for how her message has touched me. Maybe talk a little longer. Meet other people who are on the team, too. We both know how strongly I feel when I sense your presence. Shaky. I wonder of I’d feel the same way around these group of people…
But space is limited & money is low & i’d have need a place to stay. & I’d have to be selected. But I keep remembering how months ago, I saw Emily was having a launch team. I stared at the picture on instagram & said, “God, I really want to do this! Ugh!” and with some doubt, I applied. A week passes & then I get the email announcing I was on the team.
You remember the screaming. “NO WAY NO WAY! YESS! It was a dream come true I didn’t know I had/
But I get a message today saying housing has ben found for Fall Semester. And I feel that familiar cold sweat, that I’m failing someone if I don’t make a decision this instant. The funny thing is, the deadline for both these are Friday.
I should want to go to school. Not follow you into this elusive that keeps calling me. I should be focusing on a job, not staying up til almost 3 AM, watching I love lucy & then starting to write a review because the words won’t leave.
I’m actually afraid if you gave me the opportunity to go the book launch party. I don’t know how it would work. Or if I’d even open my mouth and just shake in front of these people.
What is impossible for me, isn’t for you.
I’m afraid of getting either, but we both know what I really want. Hold me through it all because this is terrifying.
You land on the edge,
taking my breath.
I stare you in the direction
your eyes must belong.
I fearfully ask: what are you?
You don’t answer, staying still.
I wonder if you will fly away soon,
as the bird I spoke with weeks earlier.
Before I can question further,
you part yourself down the middle.
Black trim decorates each wing,
dark red colors the next ring,
a whitespace your center.
You close up,
modeling your Maker’s handiwork.
Turning gracefully, you flutter once, allowing a last
Your silence echoing
a truth left behind:
Fear not, your dreams
will soon take to the blue.
You will fly one day.
Author’s Note: I’ve never seen a butterfly up close. Or have one model for me. In these small moments, I find myself falling in God’s love. To the point of tears. His lovingkindness are the steadfast arms I’ve always longed for. 🙂
Here’s a close up of the butterfly. I never knew they had so many legs.
Unknown to me is the face of God.
I heard from my father that if you stare into a flame long enough, He can be seen-
brightly shining, without fault, accusation, or wrong-
I watch the flickering & ponder why
at the very core of my being: I am afraid.
To whom, my God, who is driving this life:
a moment I take and thank
for provision promised beforehand.