ect me in your arms now.

Jesus,
I am weary from one 

step out, no maybe 

multiple steps out. 

I find myself here 

alone at this table

wondering if you will

make everything turn 

out alright. I am afraid. 

The silences I’ve given 

today when I was asked 

about handling conflict &

in the midst of trying to remember a 

name, make

me shiver at the inexperience 

I have in the working world. Though, let 

me real and say 

with how hard I am on myself,

everything is a job to me. And no matter 

how much I beg for fun, and a chance to 

go slow,

I still long for you to coll
fmf: collect

I’m tired. I did major scary things for me this week. I applied for jobs. At 27 years old, one would think I’d have one by now, but I think God has been gracious with me. He knows I have no idea what work/life balance is and if given a job, I’m so immersed in it I forget the world. The people. The friendship. I’ve never filled out an application ever. And the 3 I did made me like, God I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t seem like a fun time. Can’t I just sit here and listen to music and write you my feelings. I don’t want to work in a store. All the while I’m helping my mom with things and telling her I could be someone’s assistant and maybe it’s good I’ve never had a real job yet (I’ve helped a friend with editing when she worked at a publishing house but that ended sadly when my computer died. And it was so short but so much fun. And challenging.). 
I also submitted an article for a magazine.  I almost put it off too because I felt it really wasn’t going to matter. But I got reply about review that day and an interview for a store Monday happened today. The phone interview I kept blanking but at least I wasn’t completely terrified to talk to the person. Thanks to god’s strength. And then later today, my mom found a position to be a pastor’s assistant. The person isn’t in today and the list of duties overwhelms me; it’s also a good drive from me. 

I don’t really want any of this, but god’s gentle, sure leading with these or if there’s something else. It’s a good thing despite what my head is trying to tell me, that I’m trying. Do I want God to just hand me something that fits perfectly for me? Yes. Do I need help trusting that he knows what’s best? Yes. Do I need to ignore the negative and downer spirit I feel? Yes.

Lord, help me with this. Make me ready for whatever you have coming my way. Show me the goodness you have today. And help me continue to pray. You are good and faithful. Amen. 

control, I’m not. 

I smell this gardenia,

calm & unassuming after

a fall. Lord, I watched or

I felt my body turn back 

as I went and missed the grip 

for the counter–mom’s voice 

a complete gasp as I hit the floor on my 

side. I don’t know

how You did that. The pain asks

me now to stay with the whiplash my 

head feels. Bring 

more of your comfort won’t you, please? 

The fall reminds me yet again in

fmf: comfort.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact I’ve had a bit of a summer flu this week or when trying to grab the counter with my weaker, I somehow do a twirl and wind up on my side on a carpet that covers part of the hard wood floor (thank you, Jesus), but I really think being still is good. I also find it fascinating that when I fall, i just go down. No words. And then just want to stay there.

Jesus, help me be still. Help me rest in you and wait expectantly for you. Please. I’m tired and my head is like, you need to put the phone down but I need to get this out. Thank you for catching me when I fall and for the carpet even though the pain was still there. Thank you that mom and I can recall lots of other falls I’ve had.  Thank you she was there to help me up and put on sandals so I won’t fall again. Even though you and I both know I’m not getting up any time. Thank you that all the pain brings straight to you. As in when I fall, I immediately apologize for trying to get up and wash my hands. I’m a silly girl who’s still trying to get falling is okay. You’re still going to – want me. You still love me in this broken and my aching body, head will never keep you away. So come to me Jesus. And yes, it’s a little like Ellie’s song, rescue:

It’s like I fell into a hole to deep to climb out//And I looked up to the sky and saw you reaching down/Reaching down

Reach down and rescue me with your comfort, Jesus. I’m not sure if anything would be a comfort right since I’m trying to distract myself from the weird feeling in my head. But thank you for being with me. That’s a comfort even if I can’t physically feel it right now. Okay, stopping. Love you, Jesus.

the weight of it all.

Lord, won’t you come

on this swing with me?

Sway me back & forth 

With the breeze, but please 

don’t let this motion be like 

my dreams. Always hanging 

in the balance of my maybe..

I hear the birds singing, telling 

each other, how come she doesn’t yet 

believe all the Lord

Does above, in between and below, is love 

her? Or maybe they are giggling from a 

joke,

But oh Jesus, my heart is starting to know

fmf: play.

This poem could’ve been more about the fact I want to go sit on a swing set with Jesus (even though I’m pretty sure, no I know he’s on the porch swing right now with me.) but instead it’s about a dream I’ve been longing for that maybe was reawakened this week. It’s mystified me and made my heart all excited at the thought. Way too excited. I broke more this week and Jesus has held me. 

I also learned an awesome attribute about Jesus: Sovereignty  of God, his absolute right to do all things according to his own good pleasure. I’m in Ezekiel in my bible in year reading plan (a little more than half way done! Also makes me way too happy since it’s my first time. I’m gonna throw myself a party at 75 or a hundred percent. And dance to Ellie Holcomb.) and Sovereign keeps popping up a lot. I know that means God is in control, but I love finding this definition, that God does things for his own good pleasure. And then I find that pleasure has a synonym of “delight.” It’s hilarious because it’s my word this year. 😂 I love the way God does this. Love it. Sweeps in.

Speaking of delight: 

I got this candle in the mail yesterday and can’t wait to light it. My sister got it for me in a smaller size 2 birthdays ago and haven’t been able to quit it. I love that it’s called joy and laughter. I want so much of that in my life lately. 

Fill me up, Jesus. Oh please.

like my mouth is trying to run a race. 

I am caught in

the blessing when 

my phone lights with

the picture and I hear 

her ask, how I am. I 

say good..ish and she 

repeats the ish. And then 

later on, her laugh fetches 

mine as we realize how hard 

connecting is. But what she doesn’t know 

is how I’ve missed this welcoming space

to ramble though my voice cuts off, not in 

tears but movement 
fmf: blessing

It is a bblessing to call a friend after you haven’t talked since last year (on the phone) and remembering how good it is to laugh. To hear them laugh. And their kids in the background. And what you are pretty sure is a bird. And god’s reminder that though you may be tired of reaching out to anyone, afraid nothing will happen, or you will hurt them/or they will you, be a burden..God drives these fears out. Even if it’s slow. So slow. But it’s worth it for laughter. To remember you are always welcome even if you’re talking too fast and you’re cutting out. And some anticipatory happines coming. And lingering in the silence. And reminder to not give up.  

There’s been a lot of praying this week and confusion, some anger which I think is serious deep sorrow, cat holding and late nights with tears that stopped my phone screen from working. Laughter from a typo that has turned into something without fail makes me laugh.

And this. And lavender sugar cookies. And playing fetch with the dog whose eyes gleam with God’s compassion. And I think I just named so many blessings. Abundance in the hard places. ☺️

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. 

o comfort all my woe

Steady me, Lord,

It is hard being loved

when my heart is broke 

& I don’t want to show 

the floods of anger that

flow out of my mouth with

out regard. I feel I give too much, Lord. 

That I have to fix 

what I can’t but I can’t. All I know is this 

hurts. This throbbing in my chest I don’t 

know what I’ve done, why this

distance is big, not in space physical but 

heart. I want to scream and shout, but I 

am too tired, so I’ll breathe in the wind 

imagine it’s your hand coming t

fmf: steady.

This week has been very hard. Hard in the sense my heart hurts. I’m going back through Bonnie Gray’s, Whispers of Rest because I signed up for the book club she’s hosting. I didn’t think I would because typically when I read a book it takes me a long time and I don’t want to read it again after I’m done. But with this, I’ve felt God move through it when I couldn’t really feel anything the first time. I still can’t but here’s how God works.

Yesterday, I pretty much lost it. I was losing it on the inside and then on my mom (bless her, Jesus. Seriously. Bless the way she sees the fact I’m going to blow, and reassures me a mother’s job (okay one of many) is to comfort me. She’s not going to leave me crying. I love she let me basically watch all of Miranda last night and made vegetable pizza with me. And softened the butter for the lavender sugar cookies we will make again), who really brought to view this verse: “I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child.””


^^ these will be making a reprise very soon 😋

‭‭I’m taking the out of context with Jerusalem (since that’s a city. I will forever think God is talking about an actual person or to me directly), but if God’s way of comfort is food and laughter, then my mom pretty much nailed that this week. Always seems to, too. When I’m in a sob fest rant of epic proportions about the unknown, the fear, feeling like I’m losing friends, losing myself, no motivation, unsure about my dreams, she is there with a hug. And singing Ellie Holcomb until I stop. And Sara Bareilles (serious flashback of my second concert with my mom and getting a battery operated fan stuck in my hair 😂). 

Sorry I told you, that’s not helping! quite a few times yesterday, mom. And my testy. And yes, I know my tone has been all wrong, but thank you for loving me through this and giving me truth. You’re a real somp. 🙋

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and reminding me of a song with this prompt. (You just love to sweep in. With love. Keep on please.)

find the tears fall.

God,

What is my worth to you? It isn’t in the things I do. Or don’t do. But maybe in the way I let myself hear, let me care for you. Care for me in the ways in the ways I need most for my soul. To sing to you, Lord, means more when I’m alone. Because I know in this quiet space with the cat, okay so maybe not alone, but absent people, I feel you sweep into the room. You are rushing to be near, to hear me open my mouth and proclaim to the closed window, I need you, I need you, I need you. I love you. And I 

fmf: worth

I sometimes hope that when I get to heaven, I’ll be like, God, Your love for me is fantastic. All the ways you pursued me through music. I felt like even in the broken body, the stillness at the table with the cat, You always found a way to make me dance inside and cry. It was beautiful. And now I can hear it forever here without ever turning it off and I can see your face now.

And he’ll smile and move in for a hug  because yes please and thank you ☺️🙋

But God seriously knows that I can lost in a song or artist for a while and I think I found a new one:

This drawing the cat finds better to sleep on is a visual for me to these lyrics: I know this might sound crazy/you’ve got the freedom to fail. – who cares–Carly Bannister (also, Ellie Holcomb’s sister. Serious talent and truth and good stuff from these two. Ugh.)

It’s like Jesus is singing it right into my soul. On a swing set.  To try and if I fail, it’s okay. It takes a long time for my heart to grasp things, especially that. I feel like I go slow enough the first time because I’m anxious to the point I don’t want to get it wrong or that I have to know things when I don’t. So this is basically like a reminder it’s okay to ask for help, need a friend. It’s okay to try again. 

And I really need to rest in that today. 

Help me, Jesus.

want to trust you.

God,
I didn’t expect to say no. Or get the email. It feels so weird saying no to something I know won’t give me joy. Like I’m supposed to do it because if I’d like it as my job one day than that means I have to say yes to all the books. Every single one. But you know it will make my soul heavy. This is weird space. This no. This waiting. This peace. And yet feeling like maybe I just denied your blessing. But I don’t want to be pushed by the fear of missing out. And granted I’m tired and may not feel this way tomorrow and will immediately want to sign up, but I 
fmf: expect.

Today I said no to the opportunity to be on a launch team. It’s so weird in the space of: I don’t actually want to read this. Then: shouldn’t I want to read it? I mean, what if it’s really good? Then I’ll be missing out..and I don’t want to miss out. 

But it’s not like God hasn’t continued letting me do this, even when I’ve said no 3 other times within the last few months. 

I need to remember this. He is always faithful. In the waiting, wondering, hoping. He is faithful and I will not miss out on what he has, even if there’s waiting, tears and panic. Resting is good. I want his best.

 The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead/But You’re asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead.

Looks like I’m singing this for awhile. Or all her songs. 😂