1/20/18

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Day 55

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Father,

In the midst 

of the cat puke

(really, so gross.)

& the flu coming 

steady, slow, You

bring the setting sun 

through the living room

window. I sit there & marvel

at something so quietly blinding. For a 

moment,

I let go. Frustration. Sorrow. 

They surrender as my heart 

to the glow. Darkness, no matter how 

small can’t comprehend You. Your love 

can not be controlled, matched, 

yet here I lay waiting again for You. Still 

me. Hush me with Your light speaking a 

silence 

our world demands be audible. 

Love,

your tender haired girl 
Ps. I love You. 

Previous letter. 

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1/19/18

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Day 54

//

Father,

You are intentional 

in the ways You answer

my prayers – I can ask 

again & again if I can have 

time with a friend & feel nothing 

in the asking, in the waiting. In the 

morning when the sun has yet come up, I 

sit in the dark and scribble out Your word. 

I don’t know how my imprisoned 

state could make another believer speak 

Your love loud. 

Or that the way I live turns someone away 

from desires (that bring upon regret). 

Could You settle down within me

now & wait patiently to experience 

how You feel like home? You are home. 

Love, 

Your tender haired girl 

Fmf: intentional // timer stopped at “desires”

Previous letter. 

1/15/18

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Day 50

//

Father, 

You have searched me

& found I love giving from 

a heart becoming full (never

let me get my fill-let me always 

hunger) of You. Pride and bitterness want 

me to exclaim,

I’m fine. I don’t need you. 

That is why I laughed when 

she wrapped her arms around me

in a long hug before she left. 

I could feel the I’m sorry. The

gentle strength pleading, forgive me.

 You can rest and cry. 

It broke some of my defense, some of my 

numbness away. But I didn’t break fully. I 

didn’t cry. I laughed the nervousness

away. I couldn’t let her into the 

brokenness – the pain of loving her. How 

I never gave (or want to give up) on her. 

How I long to live in unity – with/for, 

never at, against her. How I keep giving 

and giving little pieces of encouragement, 

my heart, memories & in that moment, 

Lord, nothing else matters. 

In the moments after, still I linger. 

And then I wonder as I do now:

Why do I want nothing back?

Why does my heart feel so content, 

compelled to keep loving even if the 

response is small or nothing at all? Why

does it leave me aching at a 

response or nothing, like it was 

a dismissal of my heart? Why do I want to 

see if you can restore trust? I know what 

You say, a friend loves at all times. 

You work all things for good. 

Show me, Lord. Bring my heart 

awake to the pain that is still hiding & 

give it a burial place. Show me Your 

redeeming grace. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I don’t want revenge – but more presence & laughter. A safe place to cry. 

Previous letter.

1/14/18

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Day 49

//

God,

You have searched me –

why do I think this is like 

I’m on the run & You are 

trying to capture me, punish 

me? Why do I still believe You

want to condemn me when You 

love me? I sit here, okay lay here, and 

wonder how well 

You know me. The way the cat

comes up besides with an almost demand 

to be held as the voices around grow loud 

– my heart is quiet and weary. 

How the courage came earlier 

to finally call her on the phone 

again. And my mostly speechlessness-

listening to her voice carry me before You 

to whisper the bloom of love awake. As if 

it were May. 

Okay, I made it more poetic, 

but I know I couldn’t speak 

when she asked if I fell asleep. 

How can I fall asleep when I felt 

wrapped in love over a phone line? I know 

the angels take the words and bring them 

before You, like a candle. The sweetest 

candle – maybe a bit like the joy & 

laughter candle sitting on the dresser. 

God, I don’t know how

to tell You thank you, for helping me 

listen & ask & linger with this friend. 

Even though it’s taken years and the 

distance makes me say, I wish we could 

sit on the floor again. Or, a song will put 

me back in a memory and I miss her 

again. But You were with me in the 

moments before I called & made the time 

still. You stilled me in silence and her 

laughter & the dreams yet to be fulfilled. 

Tonight, I remember all over how every 

good and perfect gift comes from You, my 

Father, who weaves friendship better than 

I could ask or know. 
love,

your tender haired girl 

Ps. She better hope I don’t learn how to write a more put together song because the majority of that will go:

I found you in the lone star state 

with dreams and fears

with a heartbeat similar to my own. 

Do you see me? 

Do you know the skies are big, but I need a friend, a smile to remind me I’m not alone? 

The sky isn’t always the limit, but the words God gives make me feel as though I can fly.

The miles I flew to see your face found me staring into grace, a whisper of belonging, of place. 

–what a song that is, God. Good thing You and her don’t mind the many poems, lol. L O L. Now I just want to hear that song and remember the late night talk and laughter. Mostly the laughter because slap happy and chocolate are the best.  And very good company. Ugh, I miss it. Her.  

Previous letter here

1/12/18

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Day 48

//

Quiet my heart,

Lord. You are mighty,

a comfort, my comfort 

in times of confusion &

wonder. Simplify my speech 

today so I can hear the pain, but take no 

offense. Help me rest in Your arms and 

speak what needs to be said and forget 

the rest. I am afraid of the way my flesh 

aches for revenge that is not mine to 

take. But You are the One who

brings jus(tice) & hope I can never muster 

on my own. It is raining – I know it means 

Your blessing – let it soften this wounded 

heart. I’m so tired of fighting to be seen, 

heard. Show me how to give healing as I 

receive from Your heart. Give us a new 

start. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl 

Fmf: simplify. 

Previous letter found here. 

1/10-11/18

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Days 46-47

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God,

I really like how You put on Ellie. I really think You do it on purpose sometimes because You know I’ll listen. Oh yeah, put on Beckah Shae. You know all I think of is Kallayah doing the wink clap thing. And now Ellie singing about how I’m loved even though I disobeyed you today. 

Please open the bottle I know You collect my tears in. 

I’m sorry. I’m going to cry a river. Oh yay, more Ellie. 

Help me to stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand. Help me to know that even if I lose my grip You won’t let go. 

Can You breathe new life into this mess I’ve made?
My portion and my strength, I need You. Heart hurts so much. 

Love, 

Your tender-haired girl 

Ps. Thank you for the Voxes from Kallayah in the middle of this. Thank you for your love. 

Previous letter here

1/7-8/18

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Days 44-45

//

God,

I’ll be alright. 

I may be confused 

by Your silence (maybe 

just me), but You are still

patient & kind. You are still 

holding out Your hand, ready

to twirl me round & round. Because what 

is better but to dance in gratitude? You 

teach me to be grateful that I am not

in control, even if I’d like to be. 

Yes, I’m in control of my tongue & 

thoughts but only You can say when

things start & end. When to give & take 

away. Only You come right on time with 

open arms with enough love 

to engulf all that is broken. Only You 

make everything beautiful again. Only 

You can sing a love song medley that 

calms all my fears. Tells me it will be 

alright. You will be holding my hand. You 

will be my light. What a friend, You are. 

The way You listen to my fear. I don’t 

know where we are going, Abba. I am 

afraid of love – that kind where my soul is 

find in the reflection of another. It is 

going to be alright – to know the current 

underneath my skin of fear –

I’m not alone here. I’m allowed

to not know what is going to happen, but

I can trust You,

Father, You know what I need 

when I need it. You get the glory. And I 

get to rest in Your favor & say, that’s my 

daddy. 

Let it be,

Your tender haired girl

Previous letter found here