Day 86


Lord, have mercy, please.

The day is falling to grey.

Light a mystery.



Your Tender-haired girl




Day 85



You give
Your ears
As I provide
The words I
Stumble over
To say goodbye
When I’d rather
Hold on, wait it out
& see—but You say,
Do you trust me?
& for some reason I do
Even as tears want to
Spill & my chest wants
To ache. I can question if
I said it, right, but I have to
Trust You know what is best
For me and her and our friendship,
Still I wish I would’ve seen the season
Running dry & known what to say before
I questioned why. Am I worthy? Why do I
Not want to give up and try try try? God,
For now, I still feel horrible at goodbyes –

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I leave them open ended
It’s an eternity thing, isn’t it?

pps. And this?  YES. I love You. Always showing up really when I need. miracles and wonders please.


fmf: provide. 

I accidentally set the timer for 5 hours instead of 5 minutes, so most of this was written in 9 minutes and some now. lol.





Day 84



This grief wants to crush me,
But I want to keep telling You—
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. But
You know the truth. I’m not.
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m tired.
I keep wondering why the sorrow
Is a sudden free fall begging out —
Lord, I don’t know how to say goodbye,
Nor do I really want to, or feel I have
Any right to grieve what are shadows.
I want to crumble into You, into arms,
Into words without the shouting I hear
In my head: how could you not know?
How can you be so blind? How can you
hold out such hope, be kind? Are you mad?
You just want to continue to be walked on,
Used? But at the same time, anger sits
Wanting revenge. It is not mine to take,
Lord. You ask for mercy, to show it &
I try, but the hurt aches inside my eyes
For all the tears I want to cry. What healing
Has come from this or the way I was broken
With my head on her lap, asking why he had
To tell me goodbye? Over a text message. Or the way
I watched family become fam-ily, with the same desire
To fix, hold together, know I am loved. Where has it all
Pushed me, Lord, but into Your arms. How am I any
Better than I was?

Your tender-haired girl

PS. Because I still yearn for a physical person to hold me while I cry.



Day 83



Thank You for
Bringing the sorrow
To spill so freely & I
Beg You to hold me—
It happens so quickly
How I feel so unworthy,
Only here to do for, not
Be with. Is this how You
Felt when You came to set
Us free? Did not the Pharisees
Ask for miracles? No, they wanted
To clarify what was in the word when
The Word was standing right before them.
But I wouldn’t know (still don’t sometimes)
When love and mercy & faithfulness—You
in all Your glory are in front of me. When
You just want to hug me, ask about my day,
Share a meal with me. Laugh with me. Catch
Salty tears in Your hand—watch them dissolve
Into Your palm, nailed down to set me free. To
Be near me. To touch my face & call me lovely
Though today I see a girl empty. A girl who feels
Pressed in by darkness heavy, seeking the silence
Of me.

Lord, have mercy on me.

Your Tender-haired girl



Day 82



I don’t know 

what is happening

anymore. I just know 

there is quiet in the 2am

hour & before: I can’t like 

a guy I’ve only met once 

before. Oh, here come all

these feelings again. Ugh. 

There’s the peace again. 

You know we used to laugh 

so much before, joke around. 

What happened to that? Where 

did it go? Did I go too deep too soon? Why 

am I somehow not 

completely panicked about these things 

like is generally typical? One is new, one 

has been around awhile, but

this peace inside feels as if You’ve 

stepped into the room.

I see you. I hear you. I love you. 

You can keep talking, child. I love to 

listen to you. 

& I beg You for healing, Lord,

for my family, for a friend’s back, for 

time with another friend at the movies, 

favor with a sweepstakes for a book the 

movie is based on (and yes, I know 

there’s like 9000 people so far and five

books being given, but it’d be cool to be 

one of five, like willy wonka & a golden 

ticket. My ticket is Your listening ear), for 

a friendship to be restored, and maybe 

a start with that guy even if it turns to 

nothing more. A way to do that psalms 

bible plan with the friend who hurt her 

back —

the patience to wait and see,

to be still before You, Jehovah

Sabaoth- sa-ba-oath (who promises to 

always love me) and sends His angel 

armies to 

help me. Help me be still & know You are 

God. You are peace & You know the fire 

deep in my soul. Loves me

when I fall & surrounds me 

with love & kindness because

even as the winds blow & I don’t know, 

You crown me

with goodness to awaken 

the little girl who knows

she is royal. 

Thank You for 

being loyal, my 

dear Savior. 

The sparkle in 

Your eyes. 


Your tender haired girl.  


Day 81


There is beauty
If we open our eyes
To see. A mother dancing
With her child. A father adding
Honey honey & brown sugar
To 2 cups of chai tea – or asks
What chocolate I will pick –
Would I like a rueben?
& then the anger
Over delayed
Delivery. & I
Beg for
Let me

Your face.
Shalom in
The midst
Of darkness-
Waves crash
Over phone lines:
Forget it. Take it

What now?

But for me to
Remember the 7
Seconds of the song
With truth: don’t stop

For a touch of grace.

Lord, mercy us
With the kindness
Of Your face.

Your tender- haired girl


Day 80


I’ve seen that verse twice today: ‘Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.’ (psalm 23:4) Not in the NLT version, but two others. I’m stuck on the staff part. Protection. Comfort.

I want to tell You the pain that is in my heart. It started yesterday morning when I heard the song, Shut Up & Dance on the radio. All this sorrow washed over me – the opening act for that concert covered it. I remember the tears that wanted to fall then. Over a happy song. I watched her dance and sing along. I think she said it was one of her favorites or she loved it. Maybe then I wanted to cry because I typically do that with anything overwhelming, good or hard.

But this time? It wasn’t because I was so overwhelmed. This time it felt like loss. Waves of grief I wanted to cry out, but I swallowed them. Because I don’t know how to cry these out. I can tell You again that I miss her, her laughter, but there’s nothing there between us—at least that is what looks like. And I’m okay with that right now—the attachment feels lost, but I’m holding out hope You can turn things around.

Faith not by sight.

And then the reminder that divorce can make me feel small, insignificant, empty in a second. It makes me want to run for cover, hide, disappear. But even in this fear, I’m not feeling the desperation to be rescued, saved. You know how it can drive me to text friends with things like, please come get me! Please, please! Ugh, I hate this. Last night, I texted two friends and another this morning – told them some of the pain & the sweet release, Lord, not begging them to save me. I almost did last night, but I didn’t. I think that’s a victory. Right? I mean, I really want to hang out with two friends, but I love that You are here and I didn’t cave — I know its okay to ask for help, but not that way. You are the only Savior. Mine.

But You are also my friend. The One who has sat with me in this basement on this bed. Or on the couch with the journal/books & my mouth open for Your ears to hear me speak, Or cry. Ot silence. I love You. Thank You for not giving up on me.

Gratitude list:
-Be anxious for Nothing by Sherri Youngward
A Place to Land coming today! Can’t wait to give it to Kelly! We really are becoming book-y. Hahaha.
-some kind of Chinese from mom
-praying friends
-Your shalom.
Redeeming Love-Amy Stroup
-Tea from dad
-Angelah Johnson’s comedy – seriously, I want to watch all her stuff now

Your tender-haired girl