5/12/18

//

Day 104

//

Gardenia bloomed here. 

Sight still unveiling splendor. 

Lord, awash wonder. 

Advertisements

5/11/18

//

Day 103

//

Jesus,

I don’t know 

what to include 

in this gratitude 

poem – the fog

in my right eye 

makes me wonder 

If I’ve been crying 

but there is no water. 

This week has been 

one where I’ve felt 

the dark, the oppression 

forcing me down, making me 

look at the shadows – but then 

You are there, listening to me tell You it’s

too dark and I’m afraid. But Lord, You are 

faithful 

to bring friends to ask me how I 

am, to pray, to make me laugh 

& remind me even if time has

(passed, Your love for me never 

changes.)

Love, 

Your tender – haired girl. 
Ps. Thank You for dad who apparently thinking about me quite a bit because he saw a j in the sky yesterday that I can’t see still – but from the picture it looks like a girl walking through fire or light with a ponytail and dress, got me a triple Mocha frappe and a little something extra – ghirardelli intense dark chocolate squares. Didn’t ask for them. I know I told You after he left I was going to ask for expresso m&ms because they are good. Really good. But I wanted to wait til Kelly and my girl’s weekend. But it’s just funny how You will surprise me anyway because you want, not just because I have to ask. Thank you. You are kinda doing abundantly more than I’m asking or thinking. We are up to 66 things on that gratitude list. Think You get to 100 or beyond by Wednesday?)
Fmf: include  ( is where timer stopped. 

5/6/18

//

Day 102

//

God,

I would like

to adapt to sitting 

here & getting lost 

in a melody that brings 

back memory – walking 

around her block with the

sunshine or the sun, but 

always knowing on that 

street I had a home where

I was welcomed with chili 

or corn on the cob & Your 

presence penetrating my 

heart. I miss her & I cannot

hide it or the fact I’d like to 

tell about the ways You are 

lavishing Your love while I 

sit here and recover from the

first cataract surgery. I wonder 

if she’d worry. Even though we

can trust You with all t(hings, I felt loved 

through the worry. It’s weird, I know. 

And I’m sure she’d tell me to allow my 

eye to heal, but I’m being rebellious 

because it is hard not tell You thank You 

for being so close to me during this 

recovery. Especially earlier when I sat 

on the floor waiting to see 

if the cat got out while noticing 

a huge bug climb up the wall. 

You must love my exclamations:

That bug is huge! Oh Jesus! Ugh. I felt no 

fear in my heart, but that You were beside 

me, reassuring, it’s okay. She’s down 

there. It’s okay. And I continue to freak 

out, this is going to be my fault. How am I  

going to explain this? You listen. 

I call her again and just when I want to 

lose hope, she comes up and I say, thank 

you, Jesus

Thank you for slowly opening my eyes 

again to how deeply 

You love me, especially when I 

don’t deserve it, doing nothing 

at all. If you could double or triple my 

gratitude list from this week, it would be 

cool. Thank you for always listening and 

making me still to see. 

Love

Your tender haired girl

Ps. I can’t wait for the confetti canon. Seriously. The anticipatory happiness is building like crazy. I can see myself jumping around. )

*( where timer stopped

Fmf: adapt. 

4/27/18

//

Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.

4/20/18

//

Day 99

//

Jesus,

Turn me

To Your face

Again  — watch 

The tears run. Love,

I’ve turned and run 

To fix myself upon what

Is behind, where the sorrow wants

To bid my time/ I am, Lord. I am

Tired. Take this burden before I come

Undone, where my sobs will come.

Show me it is well, Lord, it is well,

You are ahead. And b

 

fmf: turn. 

4/18/18

//

Day 98

//

God,

Cam we talk about Your extreme kindness last Friday? That word is defining this month, I think. But it started with a MOOOOOOO and ended in I think me asking, Did that really happen? Wow. We were looking at books—a regular thing between Shannan and me— books from audible (way to play this song right now. Now, I’m going to play it again, hahaha.) or OverDrive— what would be best. I remember saying I wanted to read A Wrinkle in Time with Kelly. Seeing it not available at the library & then she says she’ll buy it for me and Kelly and herself, too. And I say we can read it together. If that didn’t stop me in my tracks, the box sure did. 

I couldn’t even open it. I just stared at it. For hours. I’m sorry. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I will not allow it. Let me experience Your joy, Lord. I don’t care what You have to do, but help me receive. But after the box was brought into my room, Shannan asked if I got the mail—the moo mail if You will. I told her I was waiting for Kelly, I think. And that the box was way too big to have just two books in it. She said, Open it!! And well, You know how I struggled with one side of the box and put music on. This song about the kindness of friends came on and I felt a little shaky. Or a lot actually. Because I mean, look:

 

And all I could do was stand there and shake inside and laugh. Because she did not just do that! The books are super shiny (I know there is something in Your Word about the allure of things, but seriously shiny.)

 

I still don’t know what to say about this. It’s like an explosion of kindness. And it has continued this week even though I’m not really feeling great. But I always see You well in these times. The little things. Dad making me grilled cheese and tomato soup yesterday. And the mini peach pie I haven’t eaten yet. But the way he said because it’s your birthday! The joy. And making me ramen with peas and carrots. And 3 new credits to get audiobooks from Nolan. The gardenia tree from mom. Spending time on FaceTime with Raechel and Kallayah. Thank You for them, how they make me laugh. They help me see You are seeing me right here in this valley.

 

Today as I spend time with Sarah (also HUGE BLESSING to be able to hang out with her), help me focus on Your face. Your smile. Help me see and receive Your little surprises. You are good, God. Open my eyes to see how kind You truly are. Be near me.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Laughter would be awesome, too. Thank You.