7/20/18

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Day 108

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God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 

fmf: way

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7/17/18

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Day 107

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God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

7/13/18

God, 

I want to be done 

with the dear fear,

the loss of control 

of what is to come now.

The fire inside my bones

grows & grows and I am 

pulled back to remember 

the wrong, what was said,

the anger, the sorrow of good

bye. What I don’t know is how 

to let be the past and open my 

hand to the embrace You spread for me – 

the dance in 

Your eyes oh, how it captivates

me, steadies me in this valley. 

Tell me, why do you love me?

How much do You love me? How do I 

chabg

fmf: done

I wanted to continue the poem with, how do I change Your heart to joy?, but I really like the new words πŸ˜‚ last week was “surfender” & this week it’s “chabg.” πŸ˜‚

7/6/18

Father,

I need a vacation 

From fear, judgement,

anger. Come in a little 

closer & whisper, I love you,

my youthful one. Let Me carry 

you close now, next to my beating heart. I 

cherish you more & more, even as the 

memories of what was take you over. 

How you wish you could start over. But 

my darling, there is better here & now as 

you sit here with that melody so close 

to your ear. I am right here, breathe Me 

in, Breathe Me out. 

My love will never plunder. I’ll stay here 

forever. I’ll always help you through 

surfender 

fmf: vacation 

*i love writing to the timer and leaving whatever comes out. You get words like surfender. πŸ˜‚

6/29/18

If I told You, God, 

the reason I want

gifts is because I feel

disconnected, will You 

shame me? Because when

some one who genuinely gives 

me a gift, I push back. I tremble   

You don’t do shame. I know this. You 

know the root that when I feel 

disconnected from

someone or unheard or invisible, I crave 

attention somehow and what better way 

than a gift. But You also know 

I am a quality time girl and a gift will 

leave me empty if my heart feels turned 

away. Hold me now. H

fmf-if. 

6/27/18

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Day 106

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The pain is scrunching

Aching flesh beneath

Gravitating me to numbing

Dialing back

And hanging up.

But I will not back away 

For this is where

You come close

I know I won’t fall apart

But together in You.

Now wrap me in Your arms 

And make me whole 

For even if I break

I know You’ll bend

To catch my chin

And whisper

Darling

We can always 

Begin again.

This poem edited by my lovely lovely friend, Anna. Friends who listen to you share your broken heart and then spongebob later. They are the best. Thank you, Jesus for the friends You’ve put in my life. ☺️

6/23/18

God,

One could say I have 

an ocean of tears welling 

from the inside & I’m sure 

You can see them as one fell

down and off my noise. I heard, 

the lie I know now I believe so

deeply: you can’t love with passive 

agreessive nature I don’t wish to have or 

knew,

the way I can quickly envy when minutes

before I was content to sit with you, be. 

You are faithful and true when you tell 

me you’re not leaving or forsaking me 

And to you I am 

Altogether lovely. And you’re planning 

good things for me, not to harm me. And 

you provide for me. Trust me, you say, 

fmf: ocean. 

Because the prompt is ocean, it reminded me of this graphic I made today:


This is from day ooe from Holy and Set Apart by my lovely friend, Kelly. A 30 day devotional to this:

Beloved, you are cherished – so don’t you dare doubt your worth. Your Papa is not a self-deprecating Being. You are no rough draft or a caricature version of Him. You are His masterpiece come to life! Your Father is proud to see Himself in you! You are holy. You are set apart by God, for God. When you know this personally, then nothing will stop you from living with purpose!

  I started it yesterday and had to stop to sink into the refresher in who God is: provider, LORD of Lords, Bright Morning Star, the God who hears, the Reseemer. Favorite part so far? The prayer at the end.  It really helped to be still and be guided into prayer instead of rambling. (Not that God cares about rambles. He loves them.) it’s just nice to be still from someone’s heartfelt and see what I stop on. 
I love this sentence from the today’s prayer. And the way this graphic of a girl staring at the ocean, how it flows in and out, kept in place reminds me  God keeps all things in order. There are bigger things. And I don’t have to strive, but rear in his love right now. He gives me what I need when I need it. He’s my father after all. 

He’ll come through. Always does, always will. 

I can’t wait to see today’s day, after these 30 days. And clearly I went from talking about the ocean to this devotional..but apparently I needed to preach to myself and remember who God is – the one who tells the oceans proud waves to hold up! with boundary markers. πŸ˜‚