is quite something.

God,

I can forget my troubles

for awhile being out here

this early morning/ the clouds

Underneath showing sunlight

While the top part are grey –

I can’t believe weeks ago

I was in this same spot

where he told me I was ADD

because I went from talking about one thing to being taken

by the clouds – I can’t being taken by Your creation – it takes

my breath away. I long for the guy I date next to embrace

my awe. The work of Your hands

Fmf: forget.

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Hello breakthrough, it’s so nice to see you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the blog. It feels like that anyway. The last piece I wrote was a flash fiction piece. This post is going to be a bit different—more of a life update and sharing of two mini courses that have changed my life.

 (There will be affiliate links to both so I will make some money if you choose to check it out and buy. I want to say that upfront. I will link to some of the other courses mentioned as well. They’ve been so healing for me. )

I’ve felt led away from doing editing for the time being only to realize God has had other plans—plans I’m still trying to work through. One of them being writing (which I want to talk about more soon.) and psychology thanks to therapy. The last two years have felt like a deep dive into healing. 

In July 2020, I felt led to do this online conference from Heart of Dating (they also have a real good podcast). A few month earlier, I met a guy in the HOD Facebook group who had invited me to to this in his own way. I felt peace about going through this and beginning the journey of dating for marriage, but this guy and would wind up not working out. We didn’t date, but God used the experience to grow me in trust. Deeper love for Him. I had a hard time letting him go. (Maybe more of this in the future.)

Since I had a year to go through the conference, I decided I’d let God guide when I’d watch certain videos— all throughout September-May 2021. I constantly felt the tug to watch and take notes. It felt like such an intimate time with Him for days on end and anticipation. And then that October, I felt led to start therapy.

By the middle of last July, I had finished what I needed from the conference. I felt empowered to date, ready for what I’ve felt God has been drawing me to for the last few years.  I also made a new friend, Katelyn, who was from also the HOD Facebook group. I replied to a post wanting to drop the hanky on a guy on a vacay and shared my own experience with doing something similar at the time. 

We became fast friends. The minute she wanted to voice memo, I was like, this girl is legit AWESOME. We continued sharing where we were in life, stories, faith, and went through Stephanie May Wilson’s LYSL and Kait Warman’s Heartbreak to First Date (both these courses have been so healing in my confidence and vision..but that’s a story for another day.) the rest of that year/this year at different times and supported each other through thrm. She’s been an answer to prayer for accountably & friendship. God does amazing things over the internet and is full of surprises.

So, this year in February she told me about a course she was by Alive and Free Consulting. She sent me the link to the website — checked it out & found the trigger training (how to walk through past triggers. This also brought deep understanding to me how I get triggered, to have compassion for myself.) & this course I want to talk most about:

The rejection detox.

It’s a 10 day course to heal from rejection. To be honest, I thought I was fine. I have been going to therapy consistently for a year and some, and knew God was/still is doing a deeper work. I don’t want to give too much away so you can explore yourself, but this brought a level of breakthrough I ever dreamed.

I will say what I loved and found challenging. Coming up with 50 things I love about myself. I had done something similar when I started counseling, when I had to put things I loved about myself. That was only three. This was 50. The cool thing about this is you could take what you don’t love and flip it to be true. Some things I put were: I love my feet. I love how I speak up, I love how I use my time wisely. (Still working on this.)

My favorite was learning to partner with love and compassion and break off the agreement of rejection and tell myself the truth. I read scripture and know it, but am often reminded of it when it’s needed. It was amazing to watch God showed up every time when I broke off with rejection, self hatred and others. Like telling myself I’m fearfully and wonderfully made from Psalm 139, to break off the lie of self hatred.

I cannot fully explain the way God has used this and is still using this course to bring me healing. To the way I see myself. I can honestly look in the mirror now and think to myself, Julia, you are beautiful. Hot stuff. (Something my dad used to call me.) I can send messages – voice/video messages and not cringe, but listen back and love who I hear/see.

I can try new things (learning Italian, applying for jobs, dating..) without fearing the rejection or needing to do things perfectly/or know everything as much. In the process of writing this post, I’ve been rejected twice by two jobs i applied for, and still know God has a plan though I can’t see right now. I can still go through what I learned in the course & let it strengthen. I’m still loved, seen and known.

There is a new freedom and wonder and excitement. 

Honestly, the way I feel about myself when I look in the mirror astounds me everyday.

And all I can think is, God, look what you’ve done. Thank you.

processing loss

When midnight came and went and all that was left on the road was a pile of bones, you wondered about the loss. Were they sleeping soundly through the night and exited the world? What was the last thing they ever spoke? Goodnight. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Did they check their email for one last 50% off sale? These questions shoot off one by one as you walk over slow, crunching gravel undertow. Your father always told you to pick your feet up, stand tall. You wonder if this person did as well. Did what their parent said, or did they ever rebel and say no.

You stand there in the middle of the road, right on the white line that divides the road from one car going to and the other going from, like a postcard. A letter. You wonder about the letter you sent to your best friend months ago. You told her you were sorry you miss her so much. You couldn’t help but share the latest song you were into and what you were going through. You hoped she was doing well. She wrote you back and said one sentence. Hey, I’m sorry this distance is too much for me. GB, Bee. It’s been sitting on your nightstand ever since, Tears dried on a single sheet off lined notebook paper with black pen. Permaence. 

Here you are, standing on the white line in a sort of surrender. The letter an end to a friendship you hoped would be forever. You could bridge this distance, between you and this pile of bones. You stand there and think of Bee a little longer. The first time she met you, you had lost a love, the strong love of your grandpa. You weren’t sure you would get over this loss. You wanted to stay in bed, but you dragged yourself out to greet the day. , you both smiled at each other, waiting in the line at Starbucks. She reached her turn and turned back to you.

She offered to get you a mocha. Not just any mocha, but a Venti. And a bag of cake pops. 

Everyone needs to to celebrate the everyday, she said. You started to cry.  She took you into a hug. It’s okay to get overwhelmed by another’s kindness. Where everything begins. With kindness. 

Look at where we are now, Bee, you think to yourself. No cars have traveled this way yet. Being half past 5, you think one would assume you were looking to hitchhike. You don’t even know why you’re here on this road. You just had to get out of the house. Your husband doesn’t know. What would he say if he saw you sobbing over a letter from Bee. Of course he’d try and comfort, but no one can truly explain the loss of a friend.

Breakups? Sure. Divorce? Absolutely. But a friendship ending? No one ever talks about it. Do you cry? Do you try ti make a new one? 

You finally walk over to the pile of bones. It’s like immersion therapy — you are facing what scares you. You think about how all in a heap they are. How long had they been sitting there? Do you alert the police? You think you should—but back to the dust we go. You turn your face to the sky, Father, they are yours now. Whatever has led them here to decay on this road—I hope they’ve found their welcome home. 

Dawn broke with an audible crack, a back stretching itself out of a long nighttime cramp, and your own cry of release.

My first attempt at flash fiction. This was hard, and felt like pulling teeth in a way for someone who is more free verse poetry inclined. But it was a lot of fun and very thankful I took the jump to try Skillshare. Definitely going to try writing more. Also may have fallen in love with second person point of view.

longing for wonderment

I sit here and listen to

the crack of a Netflix fire

& a worship song announcing

You are king – my expectation

is high this season, Lord to watch you come

in & restore

my joy again – it is lost within

the coming winter wind & the new variant

of Covid – bring

the laughter again, let it come

as if from a dream I had nights

before where I see reconciliation,

hugging & coffee shared, caught

up on life again, connection

found. I love this winter,

Fmf: expectation.

keenly aware of my sensitive nature.

God,

I really need you here,

to nourish my hope

before I grow cold

with the winter –

the leaves

are falling

down

&

I am here

In wonder.

wander

how the distance

feels of wander

I will soon tread

over – snow & early

darkness where You do

Your best work, bearing with

to make sure of growth,

But

fmf: nourish + inspired by deal breaker by sara groves. This song hurts in the best way after this year, makes me want to write again, and was so worth the wait for the album.

me with the rainfall.

Here we are in

summer—the sky is cloudy &

my chest wants to cave under

the weight of this grief, a new

layer You’ve access to. Lord,

it’s my honesty, it’s too much- his

desire for me when I don’t see a

desire for You, too. When I speak

Up & say, this is too soon. We are

not in a relationship yet…

with my

chest almost like a trigger of

memories from a year ago, except

a year ago I wouldn’t have said

no. So, this is new & I hear You

whisper: I’m proud of you. But yet

here I sit with the swirling

thoughts: ghosted again. Why

couldn’t we just talk about it or

for him to say sorry, this isn’t

going to work? But I spoke up

again. 2 times in 2 days. That is

something to behold. The anxiety

only goes to show me I’m afraid

of physical intimacy a little too

soon—break off my fear before

the summer is up. Show me a guy

can have interest but respect too.

I’m worthy and I’m finally

starting to believe it. Shame can’t

cover me when I’m looking to

You. You who is faithful and true.

One who is looking out for me.

Hold

– five minutes Friday prompt: summer, written for 15 mins.

God is teaching me I have a voice and totally say can no through a dating app. The prayers that hurt, but make me grateful for God coming through.

foggy but my heart is thankful

I sit in the not so quiet

with You—a lawn mower

is running to my right, birds

are chirping in the distance—

everything is loud & I’m still

holding onto a truth, an opposite

of a lie, he’s one man, not all.

even if I can’t fully believe this

now, yet, I fully expect You to

show me how, Lord. You are

faithful even now in this miracle

yet to unfold. My head is

Prompt: quiet.

can’t wait for what’s next.

I hear that song

from last season,

last year when I was

bent on dreaming of

a slow love from someone

who in the end was only

deceiving. Lord, the lyrics

still ring true: my heart is

struggling not to get hurt

again, not to cower in fear

again because I’m open &

vulnerable & broken & healing.

I want love in this season from

a man who also knows he’s

healing – but we are committed to

loving You and living out Your

love from now until You call us

home. I

Prompt from fmf: slow. + another of writing a poem about how you feel after listening to a song. So mine was slow by shy martin thanks to shuffling.

You are sure in the details, Lord. Thank you for always encouraging me + keeping me close + healing me like no one else through ways I’m not expecting.

ings doubt You showed Thomas scars for.

I listen as she sings

You will carry me through

the heartache this has caused

me—to turn away, turn in, carry

this inside and watch me cover up again.

You always know

how to pull out of

myself when my only

question rings: can I

truly trust You aren’t

going to pull away too when

I don’t give what You want?

God, I’ve changed so much

but this ache burns and br

This is brought to you by Ellie Holcomb’s new singles: I will carry you + Canyon + the prompt: she from five minute Friday.

I’m trying to make an attempt to come back to blogging on Fridays because I miss the challenging prompts, miss writing and the community blogging has brought me. I feel I’m prone to drop off the face of the earth again but this is an attempt to go back to what I know.

No back story or linking up. Just going to let the poems speak for awhile