Gardenia bloomed here.
Sight still unveiling splendor.
Lord, awash wonder.
I don’t know
what to include
in this gratitude
poem – the fog
in my right eye
makes me wonder
If I’ve been crying
but there is no water.
This week has been
one where I’ve felt
the dark, the oppression
forcing me down, making me
look at the shadows – but then
You are there, listening to me tell You it’s
too dark and I’m afraid. But Lord, You are
to bring friends to ask me how I
am, to pray, to make me laugh
& remind me even if time has
(passed, Your love for me never
Your tender – haired girl.
Ps. Thank You for dad who apparently thinking about me quite a bit because he saw a j in the sky yesterday that I can’t see still – but from the picture it looks like a girl walking through fire or light with a ponytail and dress, got me a triple Mocha frappe and a little something extra – ghirardelli intense dark chocolate squares. Didn’t ask for them. I know I told You after he left I was going to ask for expresso m&ms because they are good. Really good. But I wanted to wait til Kelly and my girl’s weekend. But it’s just funny how You will surprise me anyway because you want, not just because I have to ask. Thank you. You are kinda doing abundantly more than I’m asking or thinking. We are up to 66 things on that gratitude list. Think You get to 100 or beyond by Wednesday?)
Fmf: include ( is where timer stopped.
I would like
to adapt to sitting
here & getting lost
in a melody that brings
back memory – walking
around her block with the
sunshine or the sun, but
always knowing on that
street I had a home where
I was welcomed with chili
or corn on the cob & Your
presence penetrating my
heart. I miss her & I cannot
hide it or the fact I’d like to
tell about the ways You are
lavishing Your love while I
sit here and recover from the
first cataract surgery. I wonder
if she’d worry. Even though we
can trust You with all t(hings, I felt loved
through the worry. It’s weird, I know.
And I’m sure she’d tell me to allow my
eye to heal, but I’m being rebellious
because it is hard not tell You thank You
for being so close to me during this
recovery. Especially earlier when I sat
on the floor waiting to see
if the cat got out while noticing
a huge bug climb up the wall.
You must love my exclamations:
That bug is huge! Oh Jesus! Ugh. I felt no
fear in my heart, but that You were beside
me, reassuring, it’s okay. She’s down
there. It’s okay. And I continue to freak
out, this is going to be my fault. How am I
going to explain this? You listen.
I call her again and just when I want to
lose hope, she comes up and I say, thank
Thank you for slowly opening my eyes
again to how deeply
You love me, especially when I
don’t deserve it, doing nothing
at all. If you could double or triple my
gratitude list from this week, it would be
cool. Thank you for always listening and
making me still to see.
Your tender haired girl
Ps. I can’t wait for the confetti canon. Seriously. The anticipatory happiness is building like crazy. I can see myself jumping around. )
*( where timer stopped
The day disappears.
Noises grow incessant.
God, shalom my mind.
Let me not stay
Stuck in the fear
Of what is to come.
My heart is heavy
For the waiting is
Long. Will I be able to
See any better after they
Remove the film making
The clouds come, grey and
Sometimes black surround?
Will Your kindness abound
Upon the waking up? Before?
Should I keep calling You good
In the meantime? Yes, You are,
Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor
& a song for me to sing along,
my faithful, steadfast God,
Your tender-haired girl)
*( where the timer stopped.
I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:
Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.
To Your face
Again — watch
The tears run. Love,
I’ve turned and run
To fix myself upon what
Is behind, where the sorrow wants
To bid my time/ I am, Lord. I am
Tired. Take this burden before I come
Undone, where my sobs will come.
Show me it is well, Lord, it is well,
You are ahead. And b
Cam we talk about Your extreme kindness last Friday? That word is defining this month, I think. But it started with a MOOOOOOO and ended in I think me asking, Did that really happen? Wow. We were looking at books—a regular thing between Shannan and me— books from audible (way to play this song right now. Now, I’m going to play it again, hahaha.) or OverDrive— what would be best. I remember saying I wanted to read A Wrinkle in Time with Kelly. Seeing it not available at the library & then she says she’ll buy it for me and Kelly and herself, too. And I say we can read it together. If that didn’t stop me in my tracks, the box sure did.
I couldn’t even open it. I just stared at it. For hours. I’m sorry. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I will not allow it. Let me experience Your joy, Lord. I don’t care what You have to do, but help me receive. But after the box was brought into my room, Shannan asked if I got the mail—the moo mail if You will. I told her I was waiting for Kelly, I think. And that the box was way too big to have just two books in it. She said, Open it!! And well, You know how I struggled with one side of the box and put music on. This song about the kindness of friends came on and I felt a little shaky. Or a lot actually. Because I mean, look:
And all I could do was stand there and shake inside and laugh. Because she did not just do that! The books are super shiny (I know there is something in Your Word about the allure of things, but seriously shiny.)
I still don’t know what to say about this. It’s like an explosion of kindness. And it has continued this week even though I’m not really feeling great. But I always see You well in these times. The little things. Dad making me grilled cheese and tomato soup yesterday. And the mini peach pie I haven’t eaten yet. But the way he said because it’s your birthday! The joy. And making me ramen with peas and carrots. And 3 new credits to get audiobooks from Nolan. The gardenia tree from mom. Spending time on FaceTime with Raechel and Kallayah. Thank You for them, how they make me laugh. They help me see You are seeing me right here in this valley.
Today as I spend time with Sarah (also HUGE BLESSING to be able to hang out with her), help me focus on Your face. Your smile. Help me see and receive Your little surprises. You are good, God. Open my eyes to see how kind You truly are. Be near me.
Your tender-haired girl
PS. Laughter would be awesome, too. Thank You.