You Are Always Love — Syl65’s Blog

This whole poem is lovely, but there is something about that ending that makes me think of falling into the safety of God’s arms. 😍 Wonderful job, Syl. ☺️

 

I want more of what you have to give, God A total makeover of spirit and soul Undoing the wallpaper before my eyes Revealing a picturesque new life Mending my broken trails one by one A now solid road I walk on Enjoying the scent of the rose more And feeling less the prick of […]

via You Are Always Love — Syl65’s Blog

Abba?

Five minutes 

is all takes for me

to look out the window

& see a butterfly pass 

by to the left — another

flies to the right. It’s an 

an invisible X marks the spot,

I am the seal upon Your heart.

The one You are jealous, whom

brings You delight–do I really,

fmf: five.

I originally wanted to write this about how it takes five minutes to sing to God. I changed it because writing to music means sometimes losing yourself in a song.. 

I love how if I stare out the window here at the table long enough butterflies will fly by, or do nose dives. Yesterday, one was flying really close to the window and stopped in the middle for a few seconds. Like it was looking at me, waving, “Julia! How are you doing?” And keeps going..

It is momentary delights that keep me hanging on during a week of temptation and a question to give up my dreams. Dreams that are still there but the motivation isn’t right. It is weird when you find yourself crying over a friend going after something you want, and all you want to do is rejoice but jealousy  has reared it’s ugly head. I hate with every fiber of my being, this jealousy. It convinces me there is not enough and there will never be so don’t you even try. But the beauty is this friend continues to encourage you on the path God clearly has you AND still asks for your help with her dreams.

And you sit there: God, I want to REALLY rejoice, not be all woe is me. And I still want to help. God, why does dying to self have to hurt so much? 

What is happening with my dreams?

And what is with the word ‘delight’ coming up everywhere?

And with all the random that are my thoughts, the word has been consistent either a bit before or after I read this in Breathing Eden by Jennifer J Camp. This book is so healing and there is no way I’ll be done by the release, Oct. 4th. But there is a depth in bein able to connect with 40 fictional women and have God’s responses somehow speak to you in some way every time, that is just wow. I feel this intimacy with God and just being able to let lose with a prayer at the end of every story. It’s so good.

This concludes my rambles for today.

I must wait, still

Listen, child.

I love you: the

way you laugh at

the cat as she gives 

a look – why are you

singing about dreams

this early? The way you

don’t know what’s happening,

But keep crying, father, where 

Are You? I need You? This hurts, this 

waiting with a pain

in my soul? I’m so prideful, selfish, want 

want want these 

desires fulfilled. 
fmf: listen.

Dear God, I am tired. I think it’s a little beyond that honestly. My prayers are random tears and anger and sadness. And last night the fear of the dark kept me awake until 3 in the morning. I feel like I’m being tortured inside. You made a mistake, Julia. You’re doomed. SHAME. I sit and wait for a pointed finger. There’s shadows light up the room with the nightlight. I try to cover myself up some more. Tell myself there’s no reason to be afraid. Close my eyes. Jolt up at every noise. You must have calmed me down after I turned off the music the second time. And now I sit with Your words before me. You keep track of all my tears. My enemies retreat when I call to You. This I know: God is on my side. Your faithful love endures forever. And I could keep going, but just got distracted AGAIN. Thank you for giving me love regardless of how I’ve been. Pumpkin muffins. A chocolate bar. Time to just talk to You. One of the skit guys liking a photo from years ago when there’s no way he’d be able to find it without You. There’s not an appropriate hashtag. How could I not trust You? How can I constantly turn my back and say: I still don’t trust You. You’re going to hurt me or tell me I need to achieve like I constantly hear in my head. And You give me this or I give you this, then there’ll be love. But all I keep hearing is, Come as you are. Okay. I’m here. I have nothing more than this broken heart and a mind that isn’t sure. I’m going to sit here and sing. Please show me there is more. In Jesus name, amen.

to save me?

When I am afraid
I will not heal though

I’ve read Your Word,

are You still holding my hand?

“Do not be afraid, I am here to help you.”

& I watch myself speak 

the words of pain that have 

Soaked my years before; rain

I could never myself dry myself from. 

Were You watching me sob into the couch 

wanting to love without fearing 

punishment was close?

When everything was dark,

were You readying yourself 

fmf: heal

I wrote today’s poem to music. I find it hilarious how Jesus still meets me in the noise because I can’t handle the quiet. Waiting is hard. Like super duper hard. To love where you are while waiting for new things to take place. Watching yellow butterflies fly on by and laughing because hello guidance & hope! and they are so pretty. Answers that still haven’t come and hearing your thoughts: oh, Jesus I hope you’ll come through! I’m afraid you won’t. What if I’m put to shame? I feel crazy. Is anything too hard for you? Show me which way..now, I have to trust you. Send me word of your unfailing love. The butterflies again! What is with them?!

It’s like he’s whispering, healing is here! but my brain is all, look at what you’ve done! taking risks and hoping Jesus comes through..do you see how big of a mountain that is?

Yes, I do but the mustard seed of faith I have is persistent. Jesus is FOR me and He LOVES ME, so I say, LORD break through because that is love and I long to love you as I let you love me.

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Daring Questions

The honesty in this post and what Jesus reveals back is so beautiful. Asking the hard questions isn’t easy, but the healing that comes is what makes us able to see Jesus and help others in their pain.

Joy of the Spirit Within

Do we always dare to both receive and ask the anguished, heartbreaking and deeply dusturbing questions? The question in the Bible that has perhaps the biggest potential to grow and challenge us is Jesus’ question to Peter:

Mark 8: 29 NIV

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

And I’m not talking about a rational, head-response, but a heart response. “Who am I to you, Anna?” He asks me.

Here is an insight into the kind of tough questions I asked of God a few days before I went into my first therapy session for PTSD, questions that would drastically change my heart response to the above question. I KNEW the rational head answers I’d read in the Bible, but I desperately needed God’s personal touch. And He heard my cry:
If You’re a Healer, then why did You not heal?

Jesus answered me by…

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what do I do?

This path, LORD,

has been full of fog.

Only enough moment 

for one step at a time.

& oh, how I want to run!

I want to do all the things, speak the 

many words that 

my heart has hiding from the 

world, & You. LORD, how You’ve

asked me to sit with You, & I turn back 

into a little girl: Abba,

I’m afraid of this unfailing love.

Daddy

fmf: path.

This morning I’ve been coloring this: 


when the basement door opens and a cold wind (may have been the air conditioner) comes toward me. But I’m more interested in the open door. 

Jesus, are you opening a door?! and I laugh to myself because I don’t understand this path but I do know I feel a sweet closeness. From the way I’ve been getting up early and wanting to read His Word. Or these opportunities He has opened to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my constant begging, my fear, but I’m pretty sure it’s His unfailing love. And maybe this invitation.


Yes, LORD, show me how I love making graphics for books You let me help launch. And go outside my comfort zone in my writing & a new place I’ve never been before. It feels too much like a dream and my trust is, okay. You sure, God? What if I’m second guessing this? You sure I’m not being pushy, because I can very pushy. Actually, impatient. Very impatient. But I want to see You restore all the locusts have eaten. To do more than I’ve asked or thought according to Your power working in me. How there is no condemnation for me who is in You. How since You didn’t spare Jesus, Your beloved Son for me, You graciously give me all things. Those that are best for me. Because You want to, not because You feel You have to.

O LORD,

satisfy me with Your unfailing love,

give me courage to accept this love –

let me embrace Your goodness & mercy.

& may I find myself safe in Your arms.

use you’ll turn in two 

as I write my past, I see all the ways 

You’ve been loyal–

saving me from a boy

I couldn’t let go of until

the day I found the courage 

to say no, giving me friends 

who have looked at my eyes 

full of fear & said, it’s okay, I still

love you. Or wrote in the miles that 

separate us. But here, lord,

there is fear that I can’t share the breaks 

that lead to this place, beca 
fmf: loyal.

God is loyal. Loyal to love when you don’t know. Loyal when you are in a state of shock. Loyal to love you when are so tired but somehow keep finding words to say.

And today those words are, thank you.