11/20/17

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Day 17

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God, 
I tried climbing up the stairs by myself today. The dog had to go the bathroom and kept doing that whiny thing he does and basically sat there waiting for me. Yeah, good. Play We’ve Got This Hope by Ellie again. And now, Songs of Deliverance. 

It takes me back to singing in Trisha’s car at the gas station. Or maybe it was to it. But before I go off topic, I was half way up there before I became afraid. And you know, I kept trying to think how proud Nolan would be. But then I started sweating. This is too high. I’m almost there. God, help me. 

Why is this my life? I’m not going to make it in time. Call Nolan. No answer. Until I went back down to put on slippers. He tells me later he’s not going to deal with my fear of the stairs anymore. Or something. And I already felt the disappointment because I only made it half way the first time when it was just you and me. 

Lord, even now I want to cry. Because while he played Elvis and sang along, I talked to You in my head. About my weakness or maybe the verse. Where Your power is made perfect in weakness. And I wondered why even though he wanted to help, it didn’t feel encouraging. Humiliating. That I’m afraid of falling. That I want Your presence encircling around me, Your smile asking me, come? It’s okay. I’m here. Your face. 

Because it’s easy for those who can walk to bound up and down the stairs (unless the person is afraid of heights) while I take my time. And yes, I’m a little cynical maybe that I feel like no one understands. And I know that’s not entirely true and everyone has fears. But sometimes I think you think I’m a baby because I’m afraid. And once I get upstairs, I find myself sobbing to Kallayah for reasons I’m unsure of. But I think it’s all this stuff you’re bringing to surface. Wanting intimacy with friends. Hating how I think of marriage. HATING. How the stairs are a small thing to be afraid of. And then I tell Trisha I’m randomly sobbing. And there’s so much I want to say but I don’t how to say it. 

Because you bringing all this to the surface is a lot. My heart aches. And I just want a breath. Breathe. It’s like declare all over again. Not that I don’t fit but that I keep crying. Over and over. I don’t want it fixed. But to sit with someone in it. And telling Kallayah I wish she could last night. Physically. But ughh I’m so thankful that this is coming to the surface even though it hurts so much. That she listens and prays and shares her heart with me. And her sensitivity. I can’t wait to give her a hug. And laugh in person. The wait will be worth it. You’ve gone above and beyond the last two years with seeing Trisha. So I need to trust the timing with this and grow in the meantime. I love you for giving me these friends I never expected. Thank you. 
No idea where I was going with this letter. 
love,

you tender haired girl

previous letter for Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

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11/19/17

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Day 16

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God,

I want to find You here,

my portion & my strength 

even as I cry tears that are 

so much a flood. I don’t see

how I, Your broken little girl,

am beautiful. 

The sorrow presses on my 

heart as if 

I’m still a seed buried in soil. 

It’s dark here, Lord. It’s becoming all I 

know. But 

as sure as the sun will shine

through the kitchen window, 

You will love me through this 

salty falling on my pillow. Be with me 

now, Emmanuel. 

I will never be the same as You

hold me as the child I am. 

Carry me to a place of peace

where I put to rest these beliefs-I will 

never be enough. I must earn love or it 

ends. 

Let me remember how You broke through 

my sorrow, how You love me best. Come 

quickly, Abba. I know when I call, You 

hear me. May the words I speak now,

reach Your ears. Do not hide Yourself 

from my suffering. It is too much & I am 

too 

tired.  Meet me here,

reminding me we’ve got this hope You do 

not abandon 

regardless of feelings. 

You see everything here

and can make good from 

the miserable. We will always

be with You, the Lord. Mighty

One who saves. You are here.

The God who sees, of all comfort. Near to

the broken hearted and crushed in spirit,

sing Your night song over again. Calm 

every fear, still 

every lie waiting in loom 

to entrap me. Come in 

the valley with a smile

warm enough to relax 

the winter from my heart. 

Man of sorrows, show me

You see me. All this pain. 

All this division. Be gentle, 

please, You who is full of

compassion and abounding 

in love. Mercy-

Come with Your rescue. 

I can’t outrun Your love,

this I know. But how my 

soul aches now. 

Anchor of hope,

I am tethered with

Your love as the knot.

Do not let go, let me be

grateful for Your love now,

that You catch my tears in

a bottle. They are precious

to You, my need for You steady

into the glass. It goes, down.

down. down. Watering around

this stone of dead expectations, dreams,

my identity. I beg of You,

roll away the stone. Let me

see greenery-not of envy but

life flowering.  

love,

your tender haired girl 

ps. I place my hope in You, my steadfast friend. Come. 

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here

11/18/17

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Day 15

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God, 

I love the depth to our friendship. The way You make space for me to be real even if it scares me. A lot. But even as I’m saying it, I feel Your peace. I don’t want my own belief of marriage to stop her from sharing her heart. I don’t want to be cynical (cubical really doesn’t work. Haha.) toward love. Every time she tells me how this boy has loved her, my heart is so happy yet so doubtful it is real. Happy for her. Doubtful for me. And the fact she believes You will change the way I see marriage – really means more to me than I can say. 

If You bring a guy into my life, will he know to take care of my heart? Or that I like to be surrounded with words? Books. Notes. Texts. That I’d like to be held forever. Or at least a really long time. And flowers. I’d probably burst into a grin at his just because I love you. Will he want to stay up late with me to hear me ramble on about whatever and mostly You?

Will he let me sing in the car or just offer to put on my fave artist because he knows I love them and maybe likes to listen to me sing even if I get emotional? Will he encourage me to write even if it’s not something I ever get lots of moola, enough to live off of? Will he be understanding when I most likely cry if he talks about having kids and hold me because it’ll probably still hurt? Will he take me to see long distance friends? because we know I’m going to tell him all about the ones from my blog and launch teams. Will he understand that if at any time he hurts my feelings or we argue, that I need calm tones to get me to open up, or I will withdraw?

Will he read books to me or Your Word? Or both? Will he not even see my disability and my just my heart? That I want to love and be pursued? Will he sing to me?

Telling You all this makes me wonder. Will You bring this to pass? Will he be my friend? Because if he’s not that first, we will never work. I’m not breaking my heart again by trying to be a pursuer. Nope. Not happening. 

See? I just dreamed a little bit. And it makes me feel this swell of emotion because my heart maybe wants this. But I need this friend to keep on dreaming for me until I believe. And if it happens that I marry, please bring her to my wedding so we can thank You together. 

love,

your tender haired girl

Ps. and if he gives me dark chocolate – he’s a keeper. 

previous letter from Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here

11/17/17

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Day 14

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God,

I have no excuse not to tell you how I feel. And honestly? Confused. Hurt. Mystified. These aren’t words that accurately describe it. I hate that I think I hurt her feelings with how I feel about marriage. I hurt with the way I view marriage. Like its not worth it. You are going to wind up hurting each other or divorced. And you know where that leaves your kids? Confused. Hurt. Starving. And bringing all that hurt into other relationships. And it’s not like I want to believe this. 

five minute Friday prompt: excuse 

previous letter from Letters From A Tender Haired Girl found here

11/16/17

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Day 13

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God,

I love how that was timed. You knew I was going to look at that and have the memory of not knowing my place, leaving school and feeling like a failure all over again. It’s true though. I do. I have no drive or passion but to go one on one with people, as in friendship but not something I want to work toward to give me some money. It would be nice to be able to read again without becoming totally bored. I’m not with Your Word, but it took me forever the other day to finish a chapter of The Book Thief. I hope that doesn’t happen with The Shack. Please help me. 

And then I read this in the plan about Your favor: “The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit [assuring us] that we [believers] are children of God.”

‭‭ROMANS‬ ‭8:16‬ ‭AMP‬‬

And all I see in my head is You placing Your hand on my shoulder, telling me You love me. Or maybe it’s just the hand. And then in the next verse it says how I’m co heirs with You and if I suffer, I will also share in Your glory. I get it with the suffering. I do. It helps me see You in ways I wouldn’t be able to if things were all hunky dory. Really there is a better phrase other than ‘hunky dory’ but it’s what came to me.  

But I wouldn’t mind some days of hunky dory or for me to be excited. Which I am about reading The Shack with Kallayah and getting cupcakes when I finish reading all of Your Word at the end of the year. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m so focused and pumped on finishing it. But I am. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t really hitting it for me this year. Then again, holidays always seem to be a bit harder every year. But you’ve put some awesome friends in my life that remind me of Your presence and the atmosphere of the family changes a little on the day. 

God, I just want to see this, to know it: When you know you are loved, and you know who you call family, and you know your name is Daughter, Beloved, Chosen One, you can rest, and you can live, and you can be free.  

This from the loop devotional. I need help knowing I am loved. Please please please. And resting in it. I know I’ve seen glimpses but I need more. And it’s hard right now. I feel like a crazy emotional person who can’t give as much as she’d like to, who really wants to rest. Sleep. And then wake up, I wonder what God has for me today! But that last part isn’t me. Because if we are going to be honest, I wake up like, ugh what? Need to get dressed. God, pants. Shoes. Okay. I’m going to sit here and stare into space. 

And then I come up here, sit at the table and work through oatmeal and tea. And look at stuff. And then start thinking, wonder if Sarah will bring coffee? She has been awesome and so kind with the randomly (You are never random) bringing me coffee. And it makes me think of one of my soul sisters-Hollie. Pretty much every time. And we know what I’m getting Sarah for Christmas now. But honestly, that and wanting a friend to just text me. Or come over and just sit with me. But I think I’d be delirious either way. 

And yes I know so much wanting and mememe. But I love that You are okay with it. I only have enough space for some people right now and even that is a challenge. And maybe it’s not so much about me but to experience with these friends. One who is right now floating in my memory. 

You know, when I said sometime in the car to, savor the Saviour. Yep. I don’t remember exactly why I said it. I’m pretty sure I smiled though. I think I thought it was funny, how it came out of nowhere. Or You. It’s been rolling around in my head though. How this year has been a deep savoring. Or complaining. Or fear. But I want to savor Your love. So,

Thank you for no spider dreams. Thank you for the oatmeal. And the pears. And the chai tea. And the sun. And the devotional that made think of some friends. And getting to the book of Galatians. And my moo who let me complain this morning. And this jacket. 

I need you. 

Love,

your tender haired girl 

previous letter for Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

And to know more about Loop, click here. (It’s really good stuff.)

11/15/17

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Day 12

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God,

I don’t want to sing right now. If I don’t though, my soul will sink. My heart. It is cold in this kitchen. This hat makes me think I’m in the Arctic (I’ve been spelling/saying that wrong all along I think.), but I don’t want to be cold. Or make my ear hurt. I feel pressure in both now. 

I’d really like to sleep and not worry something will go wrong if I’m not awake. Like the dogs will go nuts. And then I’ll wake up. I’d like to stop dreaming of spiders, too. Looking up the meaning of them I can’t even get past the picture before jumping like it’s in front of me. And then seeing that they mean manipulation – God, I’m sorry if I am doing that anyone. Really, the amount of fear it put in my heart freaks me out. Because you know I want things but honestly I just want to be still with You for a while. And sleep. And if I’m being manipulated at all, we both know I never know or I’m being kind. Or trying to be which most likely means I’m trying to please. Never goes well. Ever. 

I don’t have energy for people. I mean, I do for the one relationship I feel peace. And honestly, I think You’re giving me the energy for it. But everything else feels off. Makes me tired, wears me out. I’m weary, God. And I want to tell another friend how I am, but I think about what I could type or call and say – which could be a whole lot of rambling – but I’d like to ask if she’d come sit with me. I feel so much peace in writing that even though I know that unless you did a miracle, it can’t be today. 

Thank you for the quiet and doing the dishes with Nolan. And this jacket with fur inside. And the water. And this hat. And the slippers. And mom checking on me. And the dogs being good. And a conversation with Raechel. And the show Speechless. Thank you there’s a show where an actor who actually has a disability plays the person with the disability. And for the way the cast is so patient with him. Helps me see You. I love how the mom of the show is so focused on listening and making sure he is heard. Ugh. They all are but You know how I am with the moms. And reminding me I can expect good things because I’m precious to You. 

Please help me see Your favor today. I don’t know why it’s so fascinating since the verse I showed You yesterday, but I will not leave me so here’s me asking again. Thank You. 

Love, 

your tender haired girl. 

Ps. And thank You for the skit guys thanksgiving goodness video. So good.

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previous letter from Letter From A Tender Haired Girl found here. 

11/14/17

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Day 11

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God, 

Can we talk about this verse for a minute?

And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity. (‭2 CORINTHIANS‬ ‭9‬:‭8‬ AMP)

You know what I’m stuck on? What is in the brackets after “every grace”. [Every favor and earthly blessing.] It is like a hush and something whispered in my ear: hey, you know God is able to bring every favor and earthly blessing come to you. I mean, I’ve read this verse before in other versions and have always been stuck on: abounding in every good work. Not exactly what You can give me. And yes, even thinking about it now holds some kind mystery. Because I want things. Like it would be awesome if Sarah texted randomly (I know it was You) asking if I would like Starbucks again. Just the being asked does something to my insides. You see me. It’s always when I feel like crap — where You seem to surprise me most, where my heart remembers again You see. Me. 

I know this verse isn’t talking about what You give me because I know what You give goes beyond just me. But I’m so stuck on the favor. And the earthly blessing and what that means or how to even see Your favor. Would you show me these today. Please. Is it like yesterday when I bought books for me and Kallayah, even though money is tight, but I still want her to know she is loved? And that I see her and want to read through The Shack together as we wait for you to give us the go for meeting each other? 

Because I think I take Your favor to mean sometimes that someone will give to me. Or that You will honor me somehow. Make me smile. I don’t know why I think of You pointing a finger, that’s my girl and I’m going to love her today. And I think Your love lately is time to rest, and pour into as I’m being poured into, too. You’ve given me time, God. Time I don’t think I would’ve had if I would’ve kept going a few years ago pretending I was fine. 

I did really well with that. Pushing away friendship for a degree that was being pursued more out of fear than to better myself. I ran away, but You’ve refused to leave me.

When death came so suddenly before Christmas and I knew nothing but crying. And just feeling lost. Confused. Aching. But you deepened Megan and my friendship. She brought laughter at random times when I didn’t think it was possible. And listening ears. And cake pops. And hugs. And book recommendation. And prayer. The days I listened to Sara Groves on repeat, feeling You just surround me. 

And then at the end of 2015 and sorrow over wacky hormones and blood. So much blood. And crying. And why is this happening. And Gwen, who sat there with me for a week, just her presence alone makes me relax (I know you know this) and let me drink tea and vent and cry. About a myriad of things. And read parts of a book to me. I felt small in the best way. Like Your child, wrapped in love. And how she played Come Be Who You Are by Sara Groves one day and by the end of the week, we were singing on a bench together. 

And then last year, the idea of getting a hysterectomy (really this year too.) terrified me. The loss of not being able to have kids and just yearning to spend time with You was overwhelming. To be able to read and talk to friends. And just the loss of energy, not really wanting to do anything. Oh wait, I think I colored still. 

And this year, the hysterectomy had to become a real thing. And the fear and the worry surrounded my heart. What will happen? What if I die? But the doctor’s eyes held so much compassion. I never thought I’d like staying in a hospital because a nurse went out of her way to feed me jello and talk about her life to me. Just being with me and allowing me to be. 

I don’t know how to tell you that in all of these memories, Your favor was with me and blessings too. I just wish I was more present in the moment, instead of looking back, oh, that was you. Help me. Be present to You. 

Love,

Your tender haired girl. 

Ps. This ear infection really will help me be still. And hear You. To know You are God. And you know my heart. Intimacy or group. One on one or group. God, You know I’m leaning toward intimacy more. I think that’s what I’m going to do. Fear of missing out shall not plague. I’m not missing out when I’m doing something with you. 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl. <—-previous letter here.