a tired plea

God of all comfort,

come with Your songs

of deliverance – may

they be as loud as the birds

surrounding me now. They know

the worth of singing in the middle

of a storm, when the world is in

upheaval, nothing

stops their fighting songs

from greeting the morning.

You are their and my portion

& my strength – to face another

day to see another magnolia

bloom & perfume this swollen

earth.

I got you.

God, I don’t know

how to tell you how

lost I feel – inside

my chest, there is

a weight of grief

that finds my eyes

lately. I want to will the

tears forward. This cost

of leaving one place for

a trip back, it hurts leaving

the gift of a friendship I have

learned more about the power

of Your presence. I don’t want

to tell you how much it hurts because I’m so afraid it will mean I’m still the girl who

is desperate. I don’t feel like

that anymore. I feel quieter,

settled in prayer, telling you

I miss her and knowing you

are listening, you are near.

I want to say more of how

I miss sitting in her car, and feeling your presence near

And the way she went up the porch and called the cat Biggie smalls and we’d laugh and stay up late with candy and face masks. And now we’re distanced

by miles but I know our hearts are knit together as a furry sweater. I want to close the distance again in your way and time, but I miss sitting in Barnes and Noble and buying books, coffee and dreaming of the future or sitting in Starbucks working on books together and just getting to be there. So much

healing. I miss my best friend and here is where the tears start

coming, the ones begging to fall

on the floor into your invisible jar.

The ones I know if I let flow, they will taste of salt. Like the popcorn we got at so many movies, Lord. So many with slushies and chats about them after. What have I done today to make me feel proud today, Lord?

Say thank you over and over and

let you hold me close, to hear you say, I know.

*fmf: cost

(It’s been forever since I did a side note); I had to stop the timer with the one. I paused it in the middle, resumed, and I think it was going to let me write for 3 hours when I put 5 mins.

I’ve been participating in Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) for the first time ever this month. It is why I’ve been quiet here. It has been a struggle in a few different ways.

  1. Comparison – I’ve watched God bring so much encouragement to me in the midst of it.
  2. A billion distractions – and my struggle saying no, I need to do this for awhile. I’m writing this novel, peeps. The recommended videos on YouTube can be a serious rabbit hole..
  3. Fear of what will come out, if I can finish, having no real solid plan in the beginning, just a vague idea.

I want to go into this last week with hope I can finish strong no matter the word count I finish at. I want to keep writing this into the new year. I would like some serious prayer to keep going. It is a small burning fire that won’t leave.

Thank you for any prayers/encouragement.

make us ready.

Father

He tells me

he is the last to know

we are not together anymore.

I want to know why he even cares – it takes my mother to

◦ pull me back to reality – to

◦ Say do I really want to go

◦ Down that road again? You want a a guy who has religion in his life. There are guys like that out there. You can be flattered but don’t respond. I don’t want to be flattered though. I want to be

◦ Honored, respected. I don’t need to be ea(ting from the tree anymore, letting the serpent tell me, don’t you want this? No, I actually want someone who will carry me around, will see my worth the first time and his words and actions match up. So, here I am blocking the holes that got you in the first time, praying, Father, keep me safe

and prepare me for the man who

lives a life of integrity in light of Your love, to have & to hold,

to cherish me forever.)

fmf: last.

*( where timer stopped.

come closer.

God, 

Here I am 

In a season 

Of wait—

Waiting for grief 

To not undo me

So easy, for me

To lash out not in

Anger at those around me

& here I say again, I don’t know

How you can love me. Would you

Come up beside me & hold me?

Is this how Jesus felt—this deep, 

Abiding sorrow when he cried. 

Father, why have you forsaken me?

LORD, even though it has been days

Since the news I cannot cry. I’m so

Tired & here in this bed is where I want ti

Stay in the warmth, the quiet even as my

Mind goes astray. LOED

 

fmf:wait. 

don’t let go.

Lord,

I never quite see

how You are active

In this world. I only

know when I sit sully

and ask You to come in

& do something on another’s

behalf – it’s as if Your spirit

dances & breathes where no

one else sees. Yes, indeed, I’ll

move the mountains to their

unbelief. To yours, my beloved.

I’ll kiss your cheek with mercy

to start again, to keep the fire

burning because it is Mine to

keep ablaze. The love with

overflow – the smile will grow.

You just watch what I’ll do.

I’m so near,

fmf: active.

in every way

God,

I feel the fear

creeping over my heart

that I’ve messed up again.

it begs my question come

to the surface again: are

You as kind when I fall short

of Your glory even now? My heart shivers with the lies: no

one will love you when you fail,

look at you now. I want to be held, to be reassured again & bask in Your love for me in the

biggest to the smallest of ways.

Lord, I need you. I need you to

show me I am the o(ne you go deep for each & every day.)

fmf: deep.

self pep talk

dear sad girl,

i know you’re tired today. so tired you want to sleep the rest the day away. that hat is on its way to remind you God is in high pursuit of you. waves of goodness. let it overwhelm you. crash over you. open your mouth & let God fill you. let him draw close to you. play with that playdoh, making flowers. or hearts. turn up the music loud and sing in the shower, not caring who hears you.

when you get your haircut this weekend, remind yourself you are beautiful. and when you remember that one time your grandma said you looked a bit Justin Bieber when she took to get your haircut once, laugh.

it’s fall. watch the leaves fall. drink all the apple cider. embrace everything God is giving you right now. himself. family. friends that will listen and pray. that make you feel included and loved from miles away. the encouragement to keep writing.

God is surrounding you.

keep your eyes on the horizon.

j

ps. If you ever get the chance to thank hollyn for this album you can’t turn off, do it.

since the beginning.

Dear sad girl,

it’s a success

you woke up

this morning.

I know you’re hurting,

but there is something

on the horizon. There

will be a man who will see

you are worth more than

worldly distraction. He will

treat you as beloved. A queen

with a smile better than a

diamond. He’ll give you the

the time of day & surprise you.

but for now, look around you.

Look at the one who’s been

fmf: success.

him?

It is a challenge,

LORD, to not sit here

& go back to the look

On his face when he said,

I don’t know why I’m telling you this…”

And then my sinks, goes so quiet

I’m not sure it beats but a whisper now.

I remember nothing else but feeling

Lost for days after. And the last time 

We were together, feeling that push 

Away. And I sat there, empty.

I dont what to say to people,

Was I just a figure head to

fmf: challenge.

11/23/18

//

Day 127

//

God,

there must be

value in the way 

You say. it is well

& I can count on You

to fulfill this desire 

when the time is right

But for now, I’m gonna

Listen sd You sing comfort

My heart. Hold me. Still.there

is a part of me that is thinking of

him–for you to move in & show

Who You are. I remember when

he said he loved me & if that any

Of true, I hope we can talk one day

soon, so I can tell him see

fmf: value.

Because God, I still want to have hope You roll away stones. You open eyes physically and spiritually. You give peace. And You know I’m a little crazy to myself, but I can’t let go. So I’m going to keep crying out & see what You do.