9/15/18

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Day 116

//

God,

In a crowd,

I feel small & lost,

But I’m with You in my

Thoughts & I want to hold

Your hand or someone’s

That I know believes in me

Enough to stick around even

When my actions are less than

Admirable—who still sees potential

& will hold my hand to remind me

I’m not alone. Your peace fills &

Guards my heart, but sometimes,

Okay all the time, I want to know 

Someone is in this life with me. 

 

fmf: crowd. 

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9/7/18

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Day 115

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God,

I need You

to bring rain

to his heart –

wash it clean,

open his eyes

to see You give

all of us a brand

new start. You don’t

give thought to the regret,

the pain – all You ask is for

an open heart. I can hear

a curiousity how I’ve gotten

here with You, where I’ve come

to know
fmf: rain.

Jesus, I really don’t understand what is happening to my heart. I do know I can’t stop praying for this friend. I keep finding myself on the phone longer than I like being on the phone at all. And genuinely smiling. Laughing. And mostly, quiet as I listen to myself and him.

It’s different – this opening of my heart. Slowing letting in someone with disabilities similar to mine who isn’t a girl or my friend. It is unexpected. Almost like a rain of blessing I can’t see yet.  The distance is hard and my heart has a longing I don’t get – and I block You out of it, telling You I don’t want it.  I was fine. I tell you over and over again this can’t be from You and I can’t feel like this and how on earth would it work?

 

God, You know what it is? I don’t trust You. I’m terrified to believe this is true. I’m afraid to believe You–what he is saying. I can feel the fear rise to the surface when before I would eat those words, swallowing them for hope they may be true from any guy who would tell me.

But now? My heart is closed, shut off, stunned, guarded. It has been years since I’ve liked someone outside of butterflies, oh please love me! God, I want to try with him–I’m so stuck in my head and my heart is afraid I will be crushed. I need You, Lord. I meed guidance. Peace. There’s too much I want to tell you. You need to be in the middle of this. And I can’t believe he knew that I used to hide in music, just like I do now.

I feel peace when I talk about him and I don’t want to assume he’s the one because I don’t know. I just know I would like a chance. That’s all. And for You to guide and get all the glory. And I will say thank You.

 

And it has been awhile since I’ve rambled. Jesus, help me trust You. You are scary, safe.

9/2/18

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Day 114

//

God, let us move

slow into this unknown

place — where I am smiling

too much & hiding in fear

of meeting his compassion

too soon. There is no soon

in coming to see You again

& again, but I didn’t expect.

This. I don’t want to rush into

anything and the distance

makes it easy. I can say no

to the call of concern & the texts, but I don’t want to. It’s

the vulnerability I fear – the

thought this isn’t real. But there’s a hope

in my heart

 

fmf: rush.

that maybe it could be.

 

8/24/18

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Day 113

//

God,

I see the way

You surround me

with Your loyal love –

forgiveness of loans,

books left from a neighbor,

This lemonade, that Blue 

butterfly landing on the driveway 

reminding me 

with its wings to breathe –

in, out. In the way he texts 

me sweet dreams & sends

help to try for looking for a job,

a girl’s night tomorrow. a friend 

making me laugh. The breeze. 

the smell of the flowers. You are close, 

but I’m lost

fmf: loyal 
After writing this poem, I saw a yellow butterfly, white butterfly, and then another yellow one. I know yellow means guidance and now I’m curious what fun and exciting thing is on its way. 

8/17/1&

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Day 112

//

God,

I don’t know why 

this is coming around 

but there has to be a reason 

for now. He makes me smile 

at the randomness of this – not

Random to You, I know. But it’s 

the way I can talk to him like myself. I’m 

not trying to hide, but I’m on guard, but 

they are 

falling down to how loved I feel 

inside, not desperate but a gentle tide 

rolling in. His words 

remind me y(ou see so much 

more than the fear seeking to 

cloud my view.)
fmf: loved. ( is where timer stopped. 

Today’s theme reminded me of Ellie Holcomb’s song, You are loved. It made me laugh because this is something God is definitely working on getting through to me. No matter what I’m loved, even if I haven’t felt lovable lately. Or push away in fear, You don’t let go of me, Jesus. Ever. 

8/10/18

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Day 111

//

God,

I can’t get the woman 

from the episode of call

the midwife out of my head. 

The way she swayed back 

& forth in that dress. The way 

the guy looked at her as if she 

was all he saw in the crowd of people. 

That isn’t what fully gets me. It’s that 

they both have disabilities, but it doesn’t 

hinder their love. It only seems to deepen 

it. The way they gave themselves to each 

other – even though they weren’t 

married & I’m not a fan of that – 

even though they lost the baby,

even though they were separated, he still 

went to such 

(great lengths to show her she was cared 

for by him, seen. With that sweater and 

that little 

note that said something, but all I saw 

was “love forever, Jacob” – they were in a 

home, but it doesn’t hinder – and now, I 

wonder if it stays or ends. How does it 

endure that kind of distance? Why does it 

get so deep into my heart that it twists 

me up? Maybe because it’s 

showing me what I’m going 

through in my own life to a degree –

a guy who has come back in 

my life unexpectedly & says he 

has always seen me. And I’ve questioned 

it, thought about it, said it. I never 

thought you noticed me. 

He says something like, oh believe me, I 

noticed you. 

& I’m quiet. So much so he

asks if I’m still there. God, 

I’m not saying this will go anywhere, but 

there is something. A kindness,

patience I’ve yet to understand 

between us – I never expected 

to have all these feelings come

up & out – these memories of 

the past of another guy who 

said similar words, but he’s 

not the same: this guy has 

a disability too, so there is

a level of understanding. 

& even though we are miles 

apart, I feel he sees my heart. 

I can’t deny my feelings, 

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. 

But I want us to go slow, let 

a friendship bloom & grow. 

& if You move us into something new 

where You 

let us have a try, I pray it brings 

glory to You. Now & always.) 

fmf: woman. 
Sometimes God will speak to you through a tv show and then you have to write about it because it’s hitting close to your heart. A little too close. And then through a friend sharing a song. And then some more songs. Thank you, God for disarming every fear even as I’m confused. But you’re not confused. You know what You are doing. You are in control. You will guide all of this, whatever this is. You have this. 

And thank You for the Call the Midwife. So so so good.

8/5/18

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Day 110

//

God,

On my anniversary,

I hope my husband 

Looks at me & says,

I’m glad I didn’t give up

On you, You’re stubborn,

But worth the wait  Worth 

All the time I spent trying

To get to know you & you

Pushed me back, saying

You couldn’t let me hear

Your voice yet. You couldn’t 

Bridge the distance between 

Text & awkward silence, but oh

How I waited. And now, your

Laughter meets my ears without

Relent & your tears bring a shiver

I wish not to quit. Because darling,

Your smile is what I strive to bring

Up  A flower in bloom brought by

The days of tarry until we’d meet

 

fmf: anniversary