processing loss

When midnight came and went and all that was left on the road was a pile of bones, you wondered about the loss. Were they sleeping soundly through the night and exited the world? What was the last thing they ever spoke? Goodnight. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Did they check their email for one last 50% off sale? These questions shoot off one by one as you walk over slow, crunching gravel undertow. Your father always told you to pick your feet up, stand tall. You wonder if this person did as well. Did what their parent said, or did they ever rebel and say no.

You stand there in the middle of the road, right on the white line that divides the road from one car going to and the other going from, like a postcard. A letter. You wonder about the letter you sent to your best friend months ago. You told her you were sorry you miss her so much. You couldn’t help but share the latest song you were into and what you were going through. You hoped she was doing well. She wrote you back and said one sentence. Hey, I’m sorry this distance is too much for me. GB, Bee. It’s been sitting on your nightstand ever since, Tears dried on a single sheet off lined notebook paper with black pen. Permaence. 

Here you are, standing on the white line in a sort of surrender. The letter an end to a friendship you hoped would be forever. You could bridge this distance, between you and this pile of bones. You stand there and think of Bee a little longer. The first time she met you, you had lost a love, the strong love of your grandpa. You weren’t sure you would get over this loss. You wanted to stay in bed, but you dragged yourself out to greet the day. , you both smiled at each other, waiting in the line at Starbucks. She reached her turn and turned back to you.

She offered to get you a mocha. Not just any mocha, but a Venti. And a bag of cake pops. 

Everyone needs to to celebrate the everyday, she said. You started to cry.  She took you into a hug. It’s okay to get overwhelmed by another’s kindness. Where everything begins. With kindness. 

Look at where we are now, Bee, you think to yourself. No cars have traveled this way yet. Being half past 5, you think one would assume you were looking to hitchhike. You don’t even know why you’re here on this road. You just had to get out of the house. Your husband doesn’t know. What would he say if he saw you sobbing over a letter from Bee. Of course he’d try and comfort, but no one can truly explain the loss of a friend.

Breakups? Sure. Divorce? Absolutely. But a friendship ending? No one ever talks about it. Do you cry? Do you try ti make a new one? 

You finally walk over to the pile of bones. It’s like immersion therapy — you are facing what scares you. You think about how all in a heap they are. How long had they been sitting there? Do you alert the police? You think you should—but back to the dust we go. You turn your face to the sky, Father, they are yours now. Whatever has led them here to decay on this road—I hope they’ve found their welcome home. 

Dawn broke with an audible crack, a back stretching itself out of a long nighttime cramp, and your own cry of release.

My first attempt at flash fiction. This was hard, and felt like pulling teeth in a way for someone who is more free verse poetry inclined. But it was a lot of fun and very thankful I took the jump to try Skillshare. Definitely going to try writing more. Also may have fallen in love with second person point of view.

keenly aware of my sensitive nature.

God,

I really need you here,

to nourish my hope

before I grow cold

with the winter –

the leaves

are falling

down

&

I am here

In wonder.

wander

how the distance

feels of wander

I will soon tread

over – snow & early

darkness where You do

Your best work, bearing with

to make sure of growth,

But

fmf: nourish + inspired by deal breaker by sara groves. This song hurts in the best way after this year, makes me want to write again, and was so worth the wait for the album.

ings doubt You showed Thomas scars for.

I listen as she sings

You will carry me through

the heartache this has caused

me—to turn away, turn in, carry

this inside and watch me cover up again.

You always know

how to pull out of

myself when my only

question rings: can I

truly trust You aren’t

going to pull away too when

I don’t give what You want?

God, I’ve changed so much

but this ache burns and br

This is brought to you by Ellie Holcomb’s new singles: I will carry you + Canyon + the prompt: she from five minute Friday.

I’m trying to make an attempt to come back to blogging on Fridays because I miss the challenging prompts, miss writing and the community blogging has brought me. I feel I’m prone to drop off the face of the earth again but this is an attempt to go back to what I know.

No back story or linking up. Just going to let the poems speak for awhile

I got you.

God, I don’t know

how to tell you how

lost I feel – inside

my chest, there is

a weight of grief

that finds my eyes

lately. I want to will the

tears forward. This cost

of leaving one place for

a trip back, it hurts leaving

the gift of a friendship I have

learned more about the power

of Your presence. I don’t want

to tell you how much it hurts because I’m so afraid it will mean I’m still the girl who

is desperate. I don’t feel like

that anymore. I feel quieter,

settled in prayer, telling you

I miss her and knowing you

are listening, you are near.

I want to say more of how

I miss sitting in her car, and feeling your presence near

And the way she went up the porch and called the cat Biggie smalls and we’d laugh and stay up late with candy and face masks. And now we’re distanced

by miles but I know our hearts are knit together as a furry sweater. I want to close the distance again in your way and time, but I miss sitting in Barnes and Noble and buying books, coffee and dreaming of the future or sitting in Starbucks working on books together and just getting to be there. So much

healing. I miss my best friend and here is where the tears start

coming, the ones begging to fall

on the floor into your invisible jar.

The ones I know if I let flow, they will taste of salt. Like the popcorn we got at so many movies, Lord. So many with slushies and chats about them after. What have I done today to make me feel proud today, Lord?

Say thank you over and over and

let you hold me close, to hear you say, I know.

*fmf: cost

(It’s been forever since I did a side note); I had to stop the timer with the one. I paused it in the middle, resumed, and I think it was going to let me write for 3 hours when I put 5 mins.

I’ve been participating in Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) for the first time ever this month. It is why I’ve been quiet here. It has been a struggle in a few different ways.

  1. Comparison – I’ve watched God bring so much encouragement to me in the midst of it.
  2. A billion distractions – and my struggle saying no, I need to do this for awhile. I’m writing this novel, peeps. The recommended videos on YouTube can be a serious rabbit hole..
  3. Fear of what will come out, if I can finish, having no real solid plan in the beginning, just a vague idea.

I want to go into this last week with hope I can finish strong no matter the word count I finish at. I want to keep writing this into the new year. I would like some serious prayer to keep going. It is a small burning fire that won’t leave.

Thank you for any prayers/encouragement.

come closer.

God, 

Here I am 

In a season 

Of wait—

Waiting for grief 

To not undo me

So easy, for me

To lash out not in

Anger at those around me

& here I say again, I don’t know

How you can love me. Would you

Come up beside me & hold me?

Is this how Jesus felt—this deep, 

Abiding sorrow when he cried. 

Father, why have you forsaken me?

LORD, even though it has been days

Since the news I cannot cry. I’m so

Tired & here in this bed is where I want ti

Stay in the warmth, the quiet even as my

Mind goes astray. LOED

 

fmf:wait. 

7/17/18

//

Day 107

//

God,

can I tell You 

this heaviness of heart 

wants to crush me? I’d like

to cry my eyes out so You 

can take all this salty & pour 

all this water in Your bottle

especially marked, Julia. I can’t 

bear this alone. I need You, Lord. I need a 

friend to let me fall apart. I’m sorry for 

trying 

to make something work that 

isn’t supposed to now or maybe not at all. 

Hold me closely because 

I wish I could turn off that I care.

If I sit here & sway to the music,

will You meet me? Take this burden & 

bear this load. It is 

too much & Your shoulders are

greater than my own. 

3/31/18

//

Day 91

//

God,
I keep thinking of 

the disciples, the 

weight of sorrow 

I feel on this Saturday 

(Sadderday). Walking 

back together, these 

disciples, friends hope 

for Your redeeming power,

saving. You meet them on 

this road & they don’t even 

know it’s You. You ask, what 

are you talking about? but their 

down turned faces could tell You. Still, 

You want to know. 

You come alongside them in

their sorrow, grief too heavy. 

They tell You they thought Jesus was the 

Messiah, but 

after three days, there is still 

no sight of You. 

Lord, it is me,

sitting here & 

saying, I can’t 

see You. Though 

I’m sure I saw You

in his smile & almost 

twinkle in his eyes

down to his smile.

The joy because he 

knows I have a sweet 

tooth & a love of chai. 

How can tears still find 

me, missing her from a

book about butterflies,

or the Polish hamburgers/

cabbage & noodles? Or the

friend coming to mind again 

after accidentally stumbling

upon a glitter bomb, imagining 

the laughter? – the

ache even though I know 

tomorrow celebrates You 

coming to redeem, call me

Your beloved, to Your side.

Us all.

But today, Lord –

I’m tired. I am weary. 

Things I’ve said yesterday 

& spoke aloud to You today,

makes me think You have all

right to look away, leave me 

in the dark, but still I sit & listen 

to these songs, about your faithfulness, 

that You are here –

even if You haven’t given me 

what I want, You are still good. 

Surround me in Your shelter,

kindness yet again. 

I’m trusting, You, Lord,

& if You disappear from 

view again, let me remember 

the burning of my heart as You

whisper, I’m still with you. O my 

child, I’m still with you. 

It’s true. 

love,

Your tender haired girl 

A Place To Land (Book Review)

As soon as I saw Kate’s book, I knew I wanted to read it. Not just because the cover makes me remember the first time I went to visit a friend in Texas. Or that I’m captivated by how the sun looks, It was title and the blurb of how she struggled with her parents divorce and the longing for home. I felt interested that maybe someone could put to words what has been hard for me. She did. 

Kate Motaung’s memoir, A Place to Land tells her story of her struggle growing up torn. From her parents divorce when she was young and all that went along with that. Two separate houses. Holidays. Friends that had married parents. To moving to Cape Town, South Africa where she met her husband and the longing for there and home in America.

Kate also tells of her mom’s battle with cancer. I had a really hard time reading parts where she longed to be with her mom, but couldn’t be because she was on the other side of the world. Her bond with her sister, Sarah during this time was fascinating to me. Through all of the stress and just complete overwhelm during that time and even after, the bond between them only strengthened.

Through all these changes, Kate’s faith remained steadfast. The way she cried out to God with each new change gave me hope. Her story gave me hope that God does hear us when we call to Him. He comforts us when things are hard and loss is heavy. God remains faithful through all things.

I learned a lot about South Africa culture while reading this book. Table Mountain sounds really cool to look at in person. Wine Gums are not anything to do with wine, but are fruit flavored gummies that taste really good. I even asked two friends about them who live in Cape Town about them and took the plunge to buy them. 


Also, Sweppes isn’t ginger ale like it is in the U.S, but seems like it would be good to try. I also learned Rand is African money, tripe is the second stomach of a cow (yes, I know a really random fact, but I never knew.) and vulvuzelas are plastic horns.

I loved Kate’s writing throughout the book. It felt like I was sitting down with a friend, listening to her tell me her story while being reminded of God’s faithfulness again. That He is the giver of all things and where we find true belonging.

Some of my favorite quotes:

“When you notice that you’re getting to the last of the presents under the tree, you start to unwrap the gifts more slowly and deliberately, careful not to tear any piece of the paper-thin moment.”

“Though the Lord doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want, He always grants the gift of His presence.”

“We’re all needy—in desperate need of grace and redemption, groaning to be clothed in our heavenly dwelling (2 Corinthians 5:1–2). We’re all living in a temporary homeless shelter, ready and waiting for something better—for a home that lasts.”

“Some people say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I say absence just plain makes the heart hurt.”

“Sometimes it just takes the right words at the right moment from the right friend to shift perspective and help the light come into view.”


If you are going through or have struggled with:

• Divorced parents

Moving frequently

• Feeling unsettled

• Longing for more

• Dealing with cancer

• Grief

• Loss of a mother (or loved one)

• Living cross-culturally

 

this book will bring hope and comfort. It definitely has to my heart. 

Read a free chapter here

3/15/18

//

Day 84

//

Jesus,

This grief wants to crush me,
But I want to keep telling You—
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. But
You know the truth. I’m not.
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m tired.
I keep wondering why the sorrow
Is a sudden free fall begging out —
Lord, I don’t know how to say goodbye,
Nor do I really want to, or feel I have
Any right to grieve what are shadows.
I want to crumble into You, into arms,
Into words without the shouting I hear
In my head: how could you not know?
How can you be so blind? How can you
hold out such hope, be kind? Are you mad?
You just want to continue to be walked on,
Used? But at the same time, anger sits
Wanting revenge. It is not mine to take,
Lord. You ask for mercy, to show it &
I try, but the hurt aches inside my eyes
For all the tears I want to cry. What healing
Has come from this or the way I was broken
With my head on her lap, asking why he had
To tell me goodbye? Over a text message. Or the way
I watched family become fam-ily, with the same desire
To fix, hold together, know I am loved. Where has it all
Pushed me, Lord, but into Your arms. How am I any
Better than I was?

Your tender-haired girl

PS. Because I still yearn for a physical person to hold me while I cry.

3/13/18

//

Day 83

//

Jesus,

Thank You for
Bringing the sorrow
To spill so freely & I
Beg You to hold me—
It happens so quickly
How I feel so unworthy,
Only here to do for, not
Be with. Is this how You
Felt when You came to set
Us free? Did not the Pharisees
Ask for miracles? No, they wanted
To clarify what was in the word when
The Word was standing right before them.
But I wouldn’t know (still don’t sometimes)
When love and mercy & faithfulness—You
in all Your glory are in front of me. When
You just want to hug me, ask about my day,
Share a meal with me. Laugh with me. Catch
Salty tears in Your hand—watch them dissolve
Into Your palm, nailed down to set me free. To
Be near me. To touch my face & call me lovely
Though today I see a girl empty. A girl who feels
Pressed in by darkness heavy, seeking the silence
Of me.

Lord, have mercy on me.

Your Tender-haired girl