12/4/17

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Day 26

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God,

How do I thank You for the fear inside my heart? How do I tell You I know it is my need for You? My need to be shown I’m not always in the wrong. I feel in the wrong, condemnation if I say goodbye because that means I didn’t stay faithful. I didn’t stay a friend when it isn’t about if I see, hear, or know that I am valued but that I love You. And that love, Your love for me, the love You give first should flow out like a river to refresh them again. And again.

But how can I do that when I struggle to receive the grace You offer me? Your favor, if You will. It is like the unopened package I left on my bed most of the day yesterday, when another friend asked me if I was okay. I said no. There was a pause, an I’m sorry, and a question about if I had received a package. Yes, I hadn’t opened it but I would.

Why haven’t you opened it?

Because I don’t know how to receive.

I don’t think I deserve it.

The next thing shook me with fear.

Then send it back.

It sounded like anger in my head reading it, but I know it was hurt

Hurt because I rejected her, her heart, instead of opening the package, immediately with joy and flooding her with gratitude.

I sat there immobilized for a while. I welled up telling You, I really do believe I have to earn love.

And I opened the package, telling You things can’t make me feel better. But it isn’t about that. It’s about receiving Your love for me. You. Making myself at home in Your love.

Letting myself delight in Your arms. Your smile on me. Your laughter. Your eyes which hold deep love and forgiveness so deep I don’t know how to grasp.

I don’t want to deny You, Your love, Your heart for me. This friend who sent the package really opened me to even if I hurt You, You’re still like, look at the kitty! Now the kittie(s)! And this hat!

It’s like I’m waiting for You to leave me, but You keep on showing Your heart to me. Mercy. Grace. Forgiveness. I know I keep asking, but keep showing me Your favor. Your kindness more than normal. Thank You for teaching me how to receive the good things even if it is like pulling teeth. For me. But You still stand here, I love you. Receive it, will you please?

Thank you for Teri, for her gentle but firm love, refusing to give up on me. And the book where I can experience Jesus everyday for a year. I can start now. And for the corn/peanut butter banana sandwich, Katherine wanting to send a Christmas card. This is how I #beatdepression today.

I don’t know why this verse: ‘ The blessing of the Lord brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God.) Proverbs 10:22 came in my head a bit while writing this, but okay. I know I’ve written about it before. Hm.

Love,
Your tender haired girl

Ps. I am undeserving, but You are so good to me. Thank You.

previous letter of letters from a tender haired girl found here.

 

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11/28/17

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Day 21

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God,

It shouldn’t matter if I hear back from a friend, right? If I am seeking the best for them. But still I question my value with one and not others. I want to give still, top. It’s the in-between time. The time when I start to doubt. Oh, I said something wrong. Oh, must not care. But something will make me think of them and I’ll have the desire to share again. Theres joy in it too. But the in-between/receiving make me uncomfortable. Scared. Sometimes empty.

It doesn’t make sense that I want to keep on loving this friend while also feeling hurt. Over not feeling connected and not feeling valued. But we’re both struggling and it’s weird not talking as we did before. And I still want to be there for her. I don’t want to be selfish. Not like I was earlier this year. You know how terrified that made me of myself. How I got so twisty.

I know the enemy wants me to focus on it. What a horrible person I am. How hungry I am for affirmation. Love. Al of which I know come from You. The people in my life help me focus on Your truth, too. I am loved even if I do screw up everyday. Selfish. You have to love humanity. I think serious sarcasm. I don’t want to be concerned for someone with the hope they’ll thank me. That’s selfish probably. Ugh, can I ask to see how You are unselfishly concerned for me? Please. For the love of who You are. Which is love. Over and over. In the small ways that make me smile.

And maybe You showed mw today. 1. My brother making up a song about me teaching math. 2. Josh Groban-Believe (I want to watch The Polar Express soon, please.) 3. Mozarella sticks/chocolate chip cookies from mom (still have to eat the cookies). And God, maybe I want to be selfish right now because if I cant see or really receive Your love for me, how can I truly love others well? Without a hint of I hope I’m doing enough, hear a thank you, wonder if they care.

You care. And You know the struggle I have with feeling the seasons of friendships. And not liking how this one feels right now. But You are constant. You listen even if nothing changes. You know the hurt too. The hurt I have caused and am afraid to cause again. Please be near me. And bless this friend beyond what I ask or think. Make our friendship better than before. Wipe away my fear. Regardless what I hear back.

You are good.

You are faithful.

You are true.

You are hope.

You know my heart.

Thank You that You do.

love,
your tender-haired girl

Ps. The wishbone wish I made today and got the bigger piece, was that You too? Because I’ve never gotten that. At least I don’t think so.Is that a real thing?

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here.

11/27/17

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Day 20

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God,

I love waking up and talking to You. I feel more centered. Grounded. Held. I can feel You are doing some serious healing inside. Please don’t stop singing the truth to me. I want to know I matter to You. The more songs I add to this playlist, I feel You surround me. God, I will not let the enemy get to her No, no, NO. You are for peace, not chaos. You are for her. FOR HER. You are not angry. Small steps are big in Your eyes. There is no condemnation, but love in You, Lord.

I know I’m writing about the same friend over and over, but I really want to see You move in her life. You can do infinitely more than I ask or think according to the power working within me You are able to provide all she needs at all times so she can abound in the good work You have for her. You know the plans You have for her, plans to prosper her and not to harm, plans to give her a HOPE and a FUTURE. Everything is possible with You. You give focus, wisdom, courage, and hope, as she places herself in Your loving hands. You are faithful to the faithless. You are the God of hope. Compassionate. Abounding in love. Always chasing after her with love and mercy. They follow her all the days of her life.

Bring peace to her mind. Your peace that reassures the heart, stands guard. Help her make herself at home in Your love, that welcomes us each and everyday as we are, /your beloved children. And children yearn for that affirmation, we are loved even as we flail and struggle to make our way. But Your Spirit affirms we are Yours. We belong to You. She belongs to You. And You do not turn her away, or leave her orphaned, but come to her.

Come to her. Embrace her. Embrace her until the lies hush to whimper. She is precious, worthy and honored in Your sight. She is the apple of Your eye. I can’t take the liar anymore. I’d like to punch in the face actually. It makes me sad and angry to see all this darkness. How if we aren’t careful, it will slip in and blind us to the truth.

You are good.

You are faithful.

You love us.

You pursue us.

You are a mighty warrior who saves us.

You save us from the darkness.

You have, will and are the same

Yesterday. Today Tomorrow.

Thankful for today? 1. Time with You. Oh, how I crave it more and more. 2. Fruit bowl from my day. 3. Pretzel m&ms from dad. (I’d like more of those surprises please.)

#beatdepression with gratitude. This is becoming seriously enjoyable. And whatever this thing with favor that keeps coming up repeatedly, alright. Keep showing me, please. I don’t know how to deal with it—almost like I feel I don’t deserve it. Which I don’t. Help me embrace it.

Thank you.

I love you.

Love,
Your tender haired girl

ps. If You could bring her soon so we can have a dance party, it would be appreciated. Very. But I’ll wait and maybe dance over FaceTime soon. Maybe.

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here. 

11/26/17

 

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Day 19

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God,

You brought to life the part of me I thought had died
Cause You stood right there until I saw me through Your eyes.

Every time I hear Britt Nicole sing this, I start welling up. I don’t know if it’s because I yearn to see this or You’re working on it. I think You’re working on it because I’m starting to get some of my joy back. Over math. Helping her through it. I’m sorry I just cant get over it. Because I hate it, but I can stay on FaceTime (also freak out going on but never want to get off now) working on fractions and listening and making mistakes together and figuring things out together. And laughter. So much of that.

I don’t know how to thank You for whatever You’re doing. The space and time to pour into this friendship, To be a cheerleader for her. She’s going to pass, Lord. I can feel it. We will dance around in December even if we aren’t physically together. Though I don’t have to tell You that’d be cool if You could make that happen. Presence for Christmas. Yours and ours together. There would be way too many tears. And hugs. There will be way too many tears when she passes. Way.

I really wasn’t expecting this. That I would make math easy for someone to understand. Me. Of all the people. To get up everyday lately and be excited to go through this with her. It’s like a fire inside. And going through Your word together and talking about hard things. Seriously, this bible plan is a deep one. It scared me looking at some of the days so far, but ugh, it’s so good to be able to talk about stuff. It’s teaching me to listen and ask questions. And not be so afraid to share my heart. How hard it is to apologize because I feel so bad when I hurt someone. And then I think they wont’t love me anymore.

It’s silly, I know. It is not all about me either. But here’s what I’m going to thank You for today.
-the cat.
-fruit. Especially those tangelos
-working on math and talking to you all the through. (I really want to know what the answers are..)
-making this playlist for her. The joy inside, Lord, that I have, digging it.
-noise canceling headphones
-tea. Chai, you kniow
-being a cheerleader. (not literal, but I think pom poms would be cool. Maybe a shirt that says You go, girl! Hahaha.)

And this is how I #beatdepression today.

Love,

your tender-haired girl

 

previous letter from letters from a tender haired girl found here.

11/24/17

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Day 18

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God,

Everything feels different today. I feel strangely happy. It is not familiar to me to be pumped to teach someone math when I’m not really qualified. But just sitting here waiting to get a Vox or a call on FaceTime with this friend makes me feel like I have purpose. I don’t why that’s so weird. But You know I sat there the other night like, I just want to stay up til 2 am helping you with math! Lord, I don’t even like math. Any of it. Not just the really hard stuff that I learned in pre algebra or geometry. Please no thank you. And when I’m telling her, I hope 

Letters From A Tender Haired Girl previous letter found here. 

Five minute Friday prompt: familiar.

I think I’ve missed two more days of writing…or actually a lot of days according to my last blog post. 6 since my last post. But God is mostly definitely doing something in me. Makes no sense at all. But it makes me really REALLY happy. And it is also hard, but still. God is helping and I know he is. Because me wanting to do this has to only be him. I don’t get pumped about math. But the last few days I’ve been getting up like, YES LETS DO THIS! Let’s study some math! And a devotional! Woo! Who’s excited? It is strange for me. But I know this is God. Because math is definitely a weakness for me to do and try and help someone with. And the fact that Kallayah is so open and doesn’t care that I take a while to explain stuff, is a serious blessing I want to thank for. Because if his grace is resting upon me in this than I have no clue, but it is so cool. I’m just really excited about all this stuff. It’s like Christmas and it’s not even here yet! 

Side note: Sara Groves new hymns album is so goood! That is all.

11/7/17

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Day 6

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God,

I’m pretty sure I dug into keeping pace with my sister today while taking a walk with the dogs. It’s always that I have to keep pace because no one will slow down for me. At least that’s what I believe. I hear my thoughts. I have to keep up. I’m going to make it. Keep focused. Eyes ahead. 

But You, my living water love to whisper: You are loved. Through Megan’s reminder My love will stay. To remember I will fight for you, My love. Even if it hurts to walk from trying to keep up. Even if you weren’t running. Through your walk with your sister & her offer to get Starbucks. Through a text from Trisha. Through the leaves covering the sidewalk, just as I cover you. And the hard places just to delight you. Through Anna and the email hugs and a song to remind you I am with you in the valley low. Through your brother calling you Julius Burger. And the Voxes from Kallayah to check on you just now. And the GIFS with your moo. Just because you don’t know what I’m doing and feel no one gets you doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. Ever. Child, I am faithful. 

So how can I not be grateful for your love today, God? How can I continuously remind myself, don’t forget His love, Julia? when my soul is crying, Jesus, I hurt for all these people I love and myself. Do You see? Do You hear?

But then I put Ellie just now and the memory floods back to singing we’ve got this hope on the floor of Trisha’s guest room. I didn’t think I could get up, but she let me stay there and Your love broke through the minute I sang. Though I was scared and trembled, You were there. 

You are so gentle & tender and my soul needs constant reminder You see me here. And Your goodness will follow me everywhere and go before me in the valley, calling Yahweh, the One slow to anger, compassionate, and abounding in love. Today I’m alert to this, but tomorrow I’ll forget. 

And yes, I know I’m writing to Ellie’s music again but ugh, the pull is magnetic. God, please bless her. You have given her such a gift with writing songs with Your Word. I wish I would have told her, You help me remember God. Thank you. But instead I said, I’ve been wanting to meet you forever & I want to write a song with you so much. 

But you knew the right time to let me see her in concert. I didn’t 2013 would find me sitting on the floor in my grandma’s house captivated by her song, Magnolia and hearing my name instead. And how I felt the tears. Because I didn’t want to try anymore. And I ran right back to a place I said I’d never go anymore. Ever. I said this many times actually. 

But I did, and Ellie singing the Truth of who You are has carried me this far. All the nights I cried listening that You wouldn’t let go. And that You can turn the broken beautiful opened me up. Or the time I got rejected by a magazine and felt crushed but then sang marvelous light. Or maybe it was before. But I do remember telling mom or singing it to her. Or the time Gwen came and we sang how we shall always be with You, Lord. We were going to the mountain, but I remember the way Gwen harmonize. 

I felt fear, but I think pushed through it a little. Because I could feel you there. Sometimes, I think (okay all the time) You overwhelm me. 

Like that. This version of My All in Thee by Young Oceans (never heard before) where Ellie sings along with them. I honestly think You do it on purpose sometimes. Play songs with her singing along. It’s the vulnerability and how every song is like a prayer. Not just the joy (which I need to hear), but the lament. You are the man of sorrows and her honesty gives me hope You understand the tears I can’t explain lately. 

May I continue to see Your love never fails. Tonight. Tomorrow. I want to be free to bask in it. Laugh in it. Rejoice in it. Not just the sorrow though I know You love me deeper and I recognize You. But God, let me see You in the joy too without thinking something horrible will happen tomorrow. 

You are good. You are faithful. And the only hope I’ve got is You. I can ramble when music is on. I don’t know where this focus is coming from or how I can write this when I just want to sing along. 

Seriously getting emotional. Thank you for reminding I am loved. And now the fighting words song:

I will fight the lies with the truth 

Keep my eyes fixed on You…

You say I’m worth fighting for..

Seriously going to start quoting songs to you. 

I know You’ll come around

I know You’ll hear my cries 

And there in my weakest hour

You offered grace 

You gave me love unfailing..

I know You’ll answer me

You’ll give me love unfailing 

Keep singing the songs of deliverance, please. Thank You for doing it now. And wow, these suggested songs, right to heart. Seriously, God, how do You do that?

Love,

Tender-Haired

Letters From A Tendered Haired Girl 

(Previous letter with link to others at bottom of posts.)

11/6/17

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Day 5

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God,

I know you watched my emotions today. Frustrated. Tired. So very tired. But how is it that I’m still so loved? Blessed with a season of waiting for what I still don’t know. Because in this valley, you still see my heart. And though the distance seems so far, you don’t let go. Even while I sit on the floor trying to put dishes away. Or pans. And I just wanted to give up for fear of doing something wrong. 

Same thing with earlier today. Always this fear I’m doing something wrong. Or have to hurry. Or that maybe just maybe you really aren’t as patient. 

But miles away is a friend who tells me I’m not alone. And I just want to hug her. You. Because the worry is too much for my heart. The sorrow that my dreams were stupid and I don’t know who I am anymore. But to walk through the wait and the ache and ughh always leads to more laughter. 

Because God, I may not be into reading anything more than your word and a few blogs. And maybe a book. Which I started and really liked but then stopped. But when I get on Voxer, I feel different. A me that seems more me, more open and vulnerable. and I just feel you there. The peace that surpasses all understanding. Your mercy is severe. Your grace. I have messed up beyond what I think is redeemable. And really me.

I don’t see how I am precious, Lord. Or anything of value. But you are even showing now, everyday that I do. I am. But I need it sink in.

Please. 

Please?

Love,

Tender-Haired

Letters from a tender haired girl.       

(previous letter with links to the others at the link at the bottom of the post)