I got you.

God, I don’t know

how to tell you how

lost I feel – inside

my chest, there is

a weight of grief

that finds my eyes

lately. I want to will the

tears forward. This cost

of leaving one place for

a trip back, it hurts leaving

the gift of a friendship I have

learned more about the power

of Your presence. I don’t want

to tell you how much it hurts because I’m so afraid it will mean I’m still the girl who

is desperate. I don’t feel like

that anymore. I feel quieter,

settled in prayer, telling you

I miss her and knowing you

are listening, you are near.

I want to say more of how

I miss sitting in her car, and feeling your presence near

And the way she went up the porch and called the cat Biggie smalls and we’d laugh and stay up late with candy and face masks. And now we’re distanced

by miles but I know our hearts are knit together as a furry sweater. I want to close the distance again in your way and time, but I miss sitting in Barnes and Noble and buying books, coffee and dreaming of the future or sitting in Starbucks working on books together and just getting to be there. So much

healing. I miss my best friend and here is where the tears start

coming, the ones begging to fall

on the floor into your invisible jar.

The ones I know if I let flow, they will taste of salt. Like the popcorn we got at so many movies, Lord. So many with slushies and chats about them after. What have I done today to make me feel proud today, Lord?

Say thank you over and over and

let you hold me close, to hear you say, I know.

*fmf: cost

(It’s been forever since I did a side note); I had to stop the timer with the one. I paused it in the middle, resumed, and I think it was going to let me write for 3 hours when I put 5 mins.

I’ve been participating in Nanowrimo (national novel writing month) for the first time ever this month. It is why I’ve been quiet here. It has been a struggle in a few different ways.

  1. Comparison – I’ve watched God bring so much encouragement to me in the midst of it.
  2. A billion distractions – and my struggle saying no, I need to do this for awhile. I’m writing this novel, peeps. The recommended videos on YouTube can be a serious rabbit hole..
  3. Fear of what will come out, if I can finish, having no real solid plan in the beginning, just a vague idea.

I want to go into this last week with hope I can finish strong no matter the word count I finish at. I want to keep writing this into the new year. I would like some serious prayer to keep going. It is a small burning fire that won’t leave.

Thank you for any prayers/encouragement.

7/30/18

//

Day 109

//

 God,

When I was thirteen,

did I want to be in love

as I do now? Where I want 

to let my guard down to a guy

and share my love for You &

watch us grow together. One

conversation, and then again. 

one hand held, one laugh, one 

cry until we bloom. Not that the 

silly butterflies where my inside 

keep my feelings cocooned &

nervousness takes flight only 

to die in the height of infatuation, but the

kind,

patience that takes hold, root. 

I don’t want to let hope die, Lord. Can 

You show me this guy if he is here to 

hold? To 

build up. I don’t understand 

anymore, Lord. Nothing makes 

sense and I’m lost with a somewhat

guard against 

my heart & a wonder if 

Anything is real. If anything 

within the past few days 

is You or an imitation of light. 

I’m duped so easy. But I didn’t 

seek this out, it found me. And 

left me in shock that I am seen. 

I am remembered. I am lost. 

I want a friendship to bloom. 

I am afraid. But also okay. Guide my 

heart. 

fmf: thirteen

7/20/18

//

Day 108

//

God,

I can’t get last weekend 

out of my head, my heart. 

The way she came inside 

& within 5 minutes we are 

laughing outside as a branch 

falls out of the tree – & we are 

in the car on the way to a mystery 

restraint – restaurant. 

The laughter & jokes are flying 

as the sun flys in my eyes, looking for a 

song. Or the way

she looked me dead in the eyes 

late the next morning or early &

says, I’m in this. I want to stare so long 

because I see You looking back at me – so 

kind,

gentle, sincere. Am I really that 

afraid of being left behind? Yes, 

but 

fmf: way

6/27/18

//

Day 106

//

The pain is scrunching

Aching flesh beneath

Gravitating me to numbing

Dialing back

And hanging up.

But I will not back away 

For this is where

You come close

I know I won’t fall apart

But together in You.

Now wrap me in Your arms 

And make me whole 

For even if I break

I know You’ll bend

To catch my chin

And whisper

Darling

We can always 

Begin again.

This poem edited by my lovely lovely friend, Anna. Friends who listen to you share your broken heart and then spongebob later. They are the best. Thank you, Jesus for the friends You’ve put in my life. ☺️

4/27/18

//

Day 100

//

God,

Let me not stay

Stuck in the fear

Of what is to come.

My heart is heavy

For the waiting is

Long. Will I be able to

See any better after they

Remove the film making

The clouds come, grey and

Sometimes black surround?

Will Your kindness abound

Upon the waking up? Before?

Should I keep calling You good

In the meantime? Yes, You are,

Wrapping me up in Your fa(vor

& a song for me to sing along,

my faithful, steadfast God,

friend,

 

Love,

Your tender-haired girl)

 

fmf: stuck

*( where the timer stopped.

 

I feel the title of the poem should be : A prayer for kindness with cataract surgery. God has already provided by:

  1. Friends praying.
  2. Call the Midwife on PBS. One of the Sisters in the show has cataracts. Even she is a lot older, it’s been reassuring to see how instead of being told, get over it -it’s a routine thing. She is told it is okay to be afraid. And she also says she’d rather live in darkness and bolts out if the doctor’s office when it gets too much. I haven’t bolted, but I’ve told God, can’t You just take them away, please? This is my deepest fear. But I’m keeping my eyes peeled to see how he comforts me after. The Sister had a woman she wound up becoming friends with and Kelly told me she’ll be coming after with a milkshake and a movie that I will gladly watch with one eye. And maybe some confetti? #lastchallengeof100daystobrave
  3. Helping another friend with math. Learning when and where to use the distributive property is SO FUN. I don’t even know I still remember some of this math..but I love  how God is showing me again we need someone to believe in  us& struggle with us and show us, hey, we’re not alone.
  4. Pasta salad for dinner tonight. I am pumped.
  5. Starting A Wrinkle in Time the book with Shannan and Kelly. I’ve already told Shannan time is getting wrinkly. lol day folding into night. the title could inspire a poem.

Writing all this will help keep my eyes on Jesus, not on Monday. Though Jesus will be there Monday. Like he is right now.

4/18/18

//

Day 98

//

God,

Cam we talk about Your extreme kindness last Friday? That word is defining this month, I think. But it started with a MOOOOOOO and ended in I think me asking, Did that really happen? Wow. We were looking at books—a regular thing between Shannan and me— books from audible (way to play this song right now. Now, I’m going to play it again, hahaha.) or OverDrive— what would be best. I remember saying I wanted to read A Wrinkle in Time with Kelly. Seeing it not available at the library & then she says she’ll buy it for me and Kelly and herself, too. And I say we can read it together. If that didn’t stop me in my tracks, the box sure did. 

I couldn’t even open it. I just stared at it. For hours. I’m sorry. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I will not allow it. Let me experience Your joy, Lord. I don’t care what You have to do, but help me receive. But after the box was brought into my room, Shannan asked if I got the mail—the moo mail if You will. I told her I was waiting for Kelly, I think. And that the box was way too big to have just two books in it. She said, Open it!! And well, You know how I struggled with one side of the box and put music on. This song about the kindness of friends came on and I felt a little shaky. Or a lot actually. Because I mean, look:

 

And all I could do was stand there and shake inside and laugh. Because she did not just do that! The books are super shiny (I know there is something in Your Word about the allure of things, but seriously shiny.)

 

I still don’t know what to say about this. It’s like an explosion of kindness. And it has continued this week even though I’m not really feeling great. But I always see You well in these times. The little things. Dad making me grilled cheese and tomato soup yesterday. And the mini peach pie I haven’t eaten yet. But the way he said because it’s your birthday! The joy. And making me ramen with peas and carrots. And 3 new credits to get audiobooks from Nolan. The gardenia tree from mom. Spending time on FaceTime with Raechel and Kallayah. Thank You for them, how they make me laugh. They help me see You are seeing me right here in this valley.

 

Today as I spend time with Sarah (also HUGE BLESSING to be able to hang out with her), help me focus on Your face. Your smile. Help me see and receive Your little surprises. You are good, God. Open my eyes to see how kind You truly are. Be near me.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Laughter would be awesome, too. Thank You.

 

 

 

4/14/18

//

Day 97

//

God.

I know no other way to tell You of these flashbacks. On this day last year, to was Good Friday, but I really never saw the good in having a hysterectomy. I woke up crying. And ice chips. And my brother wearing plaid and walking toward the bed to hug me. He was so happy to see me awake. Then the next day which would be today. I am having flashbacks of the music playing in my ears. I am drifting. A knock. Two knocks. She comes in with the coloring book and the colored pencils I used today today to color more of the leaves in the book. The only difference? She isn’t here (on this planet, yes. In my life, no. I hate how the memories hit me gently like taps on the shoulder: hey, remember this song? And then I tell You I’m thinking of her again. And then I want to cry. And now, this song is playing, You know, Ellie Holcomb’s, He Will and ugh, more far away, but close up memories-the painted He Will in green on the paper and my pain in my heart of feeling stolen from when I originally wanted to share. This weird feeling I couldn’t share my heart, I couldn’t have more taken away. But music is meant for sharing. And she shared two books, two of her faves—one I’m still working through. There was the chaos of goodbye. When I read that in the book thief earlier, it really does describe my struggle with letting go. But this space has given me time to see I want to be a better communicator— a better listener, encourager. Not so, oh what about me? What about me, God? It doesn’t help anyone or me. I know You understand it. My ability to turn things to me when they should be on her. I know there is a time and place for me, but You are greater and You can put things back together better than ever. Seriously, I think You’re taking over my spotify with all these hope songs…)

Love,

Your tender haired girl

 

fmf: other.

*( where timer stopped.

4/11/18

//

Day 96

//

God,
I heard Your voice far away and close up today. Her gentle words to give it time. It’s okay. And to rest in You today. And the receptionist excited about my middle name. And the woman who took the time to say my birthday was soon before taking blood. I’m sorry for my complainy nature today. Seriously shouldn’t get trippy over letting the dogs out. It’s so easy to get upset or give vent to my anger. When really nothing is that upsetting. It’s just easy. I don’t think I’ve taken notice of the way I can get trippy. So here’s how I am going to change it:

Your favor today:

1. Sarah getting me the venti Java chip frappe and vanilla bean scone (I don’t know how they make it taste good when I thought scones aren’t supposed to be sweet)

2. Hot shower

3. That new light that dad put up that totally pulls out the steam

4. The sun

5. Trisha – I felt like I got to go long distance shopping with her and sip on coffee at the same time. But seriously. I’m thankful she will listen and tell me truth and handle my silence and send happy txt a while I’m at the doctor’s right when I must of been getting blood work. You did it intentionally, didn’t You?

6. Woman who mentioned my middle name – that you don’t get many Lindsay’s with an a.

7. The doctor saying she’ll pray for my cataract surgeries and that people see better after them.

8. The woman who took my blood saying my birthday is soon. It was kind and unexpected.

9. Teri. I love that she shares her life with me. She’s really making me want to watch The Greatest Showman now. But I shall wait.

10. Kristene DiMarco. Her music is lifting my spirits

11. Cookie n Cream cupcakes  Sarah knows me well.

12. Kallayah. I love You for putting us in each other’s lives.

 

And that’s all I got right now. I need sleep. You give rest to Your beloved ones. I really need to take it. As well as receiving Your goodness. Oh and thank You for mom taking me doctor and getting corn and making it and mashed potties. Simple, but good.

Love,

Your tender-haired girl

 

PS. Not writing doesn’t do it for me. At all. I feel better.

3/10/18

//
Day 80
//

God,

I’ve seen that verse twice today: ‘Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.’ (psalm 23:4) Not in the NLT version, but two others. I’m stuck on the staff part. Protection. Comfort.

I want to tell You the pain that is in my heart. It started yesterday morning when I heard the song, Shut Up & Dance on the radio. All this sorrow washed over me – the opening act for that concert covered it. I remember the tears that wanted to fall then. Over a happy song. I watched her dance and sing along. I think she said it was one of her favorites or she loved it. Maybe then I wanted to cry because I typically do that with anything overwhelming, good or hard.

But this time? It wasn’t because I was so overwhelmed. This time it felt like loss. Waves of grief I wanted to cry out, but I swallowed them. Because I don’t know how to cry these out. I can tell You again that I miss her, her laughter, but there’s nothing there between us—at least that is what looks like. And I’m okay with that right now—the attachment feels lost, but I’m holding out hope You can turn things around.

Faith not by sight.

And then the reminder that divorce can make me feel small, insignificant, empty in a second. It makes me want to run for cover, hide, disappear. But even in this fear, I’m not feeling the desperation to be rescued, saved. You know how it can drive me to text friends with things like, please come get me! Please, please! Ugh, I hate this. Last night, I texted two friends and another this morning – told them some of the pain & the sweet release, Lord, not begging them to save me. I almost did last night, but I didn’t. I think that’s a victory. Right? I mean, I really want to hang out with two friends, but I love that You are here and I didn’t cave — I know its okay to ask for help, but not that way. You are the only Savior. Mine.

But You are also my friend. The One who has sat with me in this basement on this bed. Or on the couch with the journal/books & my mouth open for Your ears to hear me speak, Or cry. Ot silence. I love You. Thank You for not giving up on me.

Gratitude list:
-Be anxious for Nothing by Sherri Youngward
A Place to Land coming today! Can’t wait to give it to Kelly! We really are becoming book-y. Hahaha.
-some kind of Chinese from mom
-praying friends
-Your shalom.
Redeeming Love-Amy Stroup
-Tea from dad
-Angelah Johnson’s comedy – seriously, I want to watch all her stuff now

Love,
Your tender-haired girl

2/20/18

//
Day 70
//

God,

I’ve been reading Jesus Every Day and part of the prayer is remembering 20 ways You’ve been good to me. It’s a bit of a struggle right now, but here You go:

  1. The cats. Juno provides a comfort You knew I needed when I came back here. I find it hilarious she kneads me like I’m her mom. And Baby—since she had her surgery shortly (or the same day as my hysterectomy) and can’t go outside, she seems to find my room a sanctuary. It’s nice.
  2. Jamie Grace. Specifically how You used her music to comfort and help me cry out to You. And getting to see her/meet her with Megan. I’ll never forget when we waited in line and Megan goes, You’re like a kid in a candy store. But most of all, I was glad she was with me There is no one else I want to go on adventures like that – really any adventure.
  3. Adventures in the valley—Ellie Holcomb concert/meeting her, Marc Martel, Skit Guys. All with Megan. I really never imagined any of that would happen. Or that I would go to that many concerts and that Megan loves music as much as I do. All the Jesus jams. It just amazes me when I thought my only concert would be Hilary Duff.
  4. Grandma/Grandpa/Grandna from Dad’s side. They taught me so much about presence. Giving time, themselves. From the symphony, fish fries, the movies almost every weekend and lunch, the library. Everything always felt so precious, sacred. Like grandma making dinner and putting on Reba. Or when we made fun of the side effects of medicines. Or mimicked the weatherman’s sweeping hand motions. Or watching the food network Or the time she gently and firmly told Michael that I understood that I was beautiful when he just kept telling me over and over: you are beautiful, did you know that? Over cantaloupe. The way she told me I’d look back and wonder why I dated him just as she did with someone.
  5. The way You saved me from Michael. The way You gave me the courage to say no to going further than I was willing. The way mom pumped up S Club 7 and drove through a storm so we could get home earlier. I know now she wasn’t trying to ruin fun (there wasn’t any), but You were protecting my heart through her knowing we had to go. I love her so much for that even though I was stubborn (still am) and wanted to be in love. Still do.
  6. Just like when he broke up with me over text weeks after, asking how my mom was(still will never forget it), and gradually moving into we need to see other people. But I still have the words from a coin he said made me think of him. One side said: Love is patient. Love is kind. The other: True Love Waits. I’ve never forgotten it. Even though uncle Scott has the coin now. I know now You were reassuring there would (will?) be a guy who will wait for me. And now, I think You’re gently telling me to wait and see.
  7. This bed and the bath chair 2 ways You provided abundantly. In the midst of grief when mom’s mom passed.
  8. This computer from dad.
  9. When the neighbor from the old house came over before getting it and abruptly (okay maybe not) sang a song about waiting for You. Showed me the verses in Lamentations and reassured me she had to wait a long time too. Still not sure if she meant in general or specifically. But it was so reassuring in the moment.
  10. Sara Groves music. Her vulnerability. And meeting Momsie from fmf, who also loves her stuff too.
  11. The whole five minute Friday community, which I didn’t know existed until Trisha encouraged me to try it one Friday in October and almost 4 years later, I still love it. I look forward to it every week. And, I get to be a part of Kate’s launch for her book. Seriously? All You!
  12. As is the 12 launches I’ve been part of before where I’ve met, Teri, Julianna, Shannan, Kallayah, Mandy, Jamie, Tonya, Deanna… Also, wouldn’t even know what a launch if Trisha didn’t tell me she was applying to one..and I wanted to do one..and then Emily Freeman did a post about her’s and boom. Has it really been 12?
  13. Anna. Who I met through the happiness dare. I will forever forget time difference. When we start sharing our hearts and music, everything fades. I love that You know my heart so well and the people I need. The Netherlands need to be a little closer.
  14. Kelly. She’s helping me become more myself. Seriously, one of these days I feel she may try to make me have a car concert. I think about this and I want to laugh and laugh. But I want to have many many more car jams to Beckah Shae with her. And movies. And deep talks. And grilled cheese from Panera. Hahaha. I’m so thankful for her and her love for You.
  15. Declare last year. From the first class flight (which Kelly said was Your favor. Funny it’s my word this year.), to meeting Miah, to more time with Trisha, meeting Desiree and Kayla. Winning the unashamed book (THIS BOOK, LORD. I don’t know what You are doing, but it’s intriguing) to someone buying me coffee, all the sobbing, meeting Linda, the rainbow, Brahms’s ice cream (take me back please ), time with dad in the convertible and whattaburger, that sunset.
  16. These pajama mom got before the hysterectomy. I love you more too, God.
  17. The doctor who did my surgery. And the nurses. I saw you so much.
  18. The time you’ve given with my family. It is hard, but there are moments that can overwhelm me at the goodness, like watching a movie or laughing about the dog. Small stiff.
  19. My blog. I didn’t know You could and still are bringing so much good from the pain I needed to get out. It’s beautiful. And I’ll never forget when I freaked out on Gwen about taking the step and she was chill and excited about it. Thank You that she continues to encourage my writing and be a friend and know when something is up from so very far.
  20. You. That listen to me and let me go on and on and on. Being with You like this makes me so happy.

I think this is more than 20 and I could do way more I think. But I’m going to jam to Beckah Shae. Seriously just want to head bob all night. And also? The majority  deals with presence. Relationship. It’s very interesting.

Love,
Your tender haired girl.