I’ve seen that verse twice today: ‘Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.’ (psalm 23:4) Not in the NLT version, but two others. I’m stuck on the staff part. Protection. Comfort.
I want to tell You the pain that is in my heart. It started yesterday morning when I heard the song, Shut Up & Dance on the radio. All this sorrow washed over me – the opening act for that concert covered it. I remember the tears that wanted to fall then. Over a happy song. I watched her dance and sing along. I think she said it was one of her favorites or she loved it. Maybe then I wanted to cry because I typically do that with anything overwhelming, good or hard.
But this time? It wasn’t because I was so overwhelmed. This time it felt like loss. Waves of grief I wanted to cry out, but I swallowed them. Because I don’t know how to cry these out. I can tell You again that I miss her, her laughter, but there’s nothing there between us—at least that is what looks like. And I’m okay with that right now—the attachment feels lost, but I’m holding out hope You can turn things around.
Faith not by sight.
And then the reminder that divorce can make me feel small, insignificant, empty in a second. It makes me want to run for cover, hide, disappear. But even in this fear, I’m not feeling the desperation to be rescued, saved. You know how it can drive me to text friends with things like, please come get me! Please, please! Ugh, I hate this. Last night, I texted two friends and another this morning – told them some of the pain & the sweet release, Lord, not begging them to save me. I almost did last night, but I didn’t. I think that’s a victory. Right? I mean, I really want to hang out with two friends, but I love that You are here and I didn’t cave — I know its okay to ask for help, but not that way. You are the only Savior. Mine.
But You are also my friend. The One who has sat with me in this basement on this bed. Or on the couch with the journal/books & my mouth open for Your ears to hear me speak, Or cry. Ot silence. I love You. Thank You for not giving up on me.
-Be anxious for Nothing by Sherri Youngward
–A Place to Land coming today! Can’t wait to give it to Kelly! We really are becoming book-y. Hahaha.
-some kind of Chinese from mom
—Redeeming Love-Amy Stroup
-Tea from dad
-Angelah Johnson’s comedy – seriously, I want to watch all her stuff now
Your tender-haired girl